Talk:Shiroi Heya no Futari/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Alexandra IDV (talk · contribs) 16:06, 31 January 2023 (UTC)

Love seeing all your manga GANs! Please ping me if I haven't returned with a review in a week from now.--AlexandraIDV 16:06, 31 January 2023 (UTC)

Comments from Shikeishu

 * Beautiful and very interesting article, thank you so much for this and all of your other work on shōjo. I definitely think it should be considered a Good Article. I read through it and have some comments/thoughts:
 * In Reception and legacy it says "The series was favorably assessed". But since it's a one-shot, it's not a series, right?
 * Revised. Morgan695 (talk) 17:05, 1 February 2023 (UTC)
 * Some of the transliteration seems inconsistent. Why not Maya no Sōretsu, Shōnen Kenya and Sōji Yamakawa?
 * Revised. Morgan695 (talk) 17:05, 1 February 2023 (UTC)
 * I wonder if Fujimoto, Friedman or others give any more examples of which concrete yuri titles or artists other than Citrus used the Crimson and Rose archetype.
 * Listed some examples per Fujimoto. Morgan695 (talk) 17:05, 1 February 2023 (UTC)
 * I would be interested in why Yonezawa and Takahashi call some of the output of Ribon Comic radical.
 * Revised. Morgan695 (talk) 17:05, 1 February 2023 (UTC)
 * I noticed that you don't mention the Year 24 Group. It would be interesting to note how Yamagishi is considered part of it and how Shiroi Heya no Futari relates to the movement.
 * Noted Y24 in Context and lede. Morgan695 (talk) 17:05, 1 February 2023 (UTC)
 * --Shikeishu (talk) 08:29, 1 February 2023 (UTC)

Lead and infobox

 * Seems fine.

Plot

 * Would avoid calling Simone "beautiful" in WP's voice without attributing it. You could choose to reword this to be from Resine's perspective (she does explicitly think of her as beautiful when they first meet), which might be helpful in establishing that this isn't just a one-sided attraction.
 * Revised.
 * I think saying Simone died in a brawl is underselling it a bit - she tells her boyfriend that she loves someone else and has no feelings for him, and goads him into stabbing her.AlexandraIDV 10:51, 6 February 2023 (UTC)
 * Revised.

Context

 * These shifts [...]; this shift feels repetitive, and could probably be improved by removing the second "shift".
 * Revised.
 * of which Yamagishi was a member. Due to the addition of Y24 to this article, this is now the first time Yamagishi is mentioned in the article body - so we should call her Ryoko Yamagishi and link her here, while the first mention of her in the next section should be just "Yamagishi", unlinked.
 * Revised.

Development and release

 * Shueisha collected the manga along with two other short stories by Yamagishi) - only one parenthesis appears here. Either remove it or add the missing one, whichever you prefer.
 * Revised.

Reception and legacy

 * consider Shiroi Heya no Futari to be to be a typical of the "radical" social issue-focused output some extraneous words, or possibly some missing
 * Revised.

"Crimson Rose and Candy Girl"

 * Erica Friedman has already been introduced in the preceding section, so we can just call her Friedman.
 * Done.
 * gay panic leads to that awful legal defense. I don't know if homosexual panic or homohysteria are exactly right either - it might be best to leave "lesbian panic" unlinked.
 * Done.

Images

 * Seems to be in order

Lovely article! I will put this on hold for the standard seven days - please ping me when you've addressed the above, or if you have any questions!--AlexandraIDV 10:27, 6 February 2023 (UTC)
 * Hi, reply above. Morgan695 (talk) 20:41, 6 February 2023 (UTC)
 * Thank you very much! I will promote this in just a moment.--AlexandraIDV 10:09, 7 February 2023 (UTC)