Talk:Spencer Stone/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Miyagawa (talk · contribs) 21:49, 23 August 2016 (UTC)


 * Grabbing this for a review, probably tomorrow. Miyagawa (talk) 21:49, 23 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Thank you, Miyagawa! Can't wait to work with you to make this into a GA article! Ḉɱ̍ 2nd anniv.   23:14, 23 August 2016 (UTC)


 * Ok, let's get this going. Again. I say again because I completed a review for this article this morning. Then, and I have no idea why I did this, when I finished I closed the browser instead of saving the edit. Total facepalm. Let's see how much of the earlier review I remember! Miyagawa (talk) 13:45, 24 August 2016 (UTC)


 * Lead:Per MOS:LEADCITE, you don't need quite so many citations in the lead. As a rule, I'd personally only include them where something is contentious or where there is a quote. So in this instance, I'd keep the cite after the first sentence to prevent good natured editors from attempting to "fix" the rank back to the one he held at the time of the train incident. Then I'd also keep the reference for the medal citation as well, but drop all the others.
 * "Gaining international fame for his heroic actions" I'd do a double edit here. First, the "heroic" bit hits upon WP:PEACOCK. By all means, quote someone saying that he's a hero, but don't say it yourself. Then I'd simply change it to "Gaining international fame," as the medal citation talks of his actions.
 * "Stone recovered, and was released from the hospital on October 15, a week after he was stabbed" to avoid repetition, I'd drop the third part of this sentence entirely and just have it be "Stone recovered, and was released from the hospital on October 15."
 * Duplicate link from staff sergeant at the end of the lead.
 * Sorry, that was pretty ambiguous of me. You had two links to staff sergeant in the lead - I've removed the second. Miyagawa (talk) 22:28, 25 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Early life: Add a comma after "a California Highway Patrolman in Redwood City, California" to improve the break between the brother and the sister.
 * For balance, is there anything that could be added regarding the profession of his sister, or his parents?
 * I don't believe there is anymore information to add about his sister or mother, but his father is mentioned in personal life. Ḉɱ̍ 2nd anniv.   17:57, 24 August 2016 (UTC)
 * And thinking about it now, simply say Everett rather than Everett Stone as the surname is inherent (and that way you present both the brother and the sister in the same format).
 * "Dave Nobis, remembers Stone since when he played basketball in junior year and until senior year in his psychology class." This needs a bit of a overhaul. Perhaps "Dave Nobis, remembers Stone as he played basketball in junior year through to senior year when he was also in Nobis' psychology class." Check the source to see if that's correct though. Have a play with it and I'll come back for another read through of it.
 * Career: Was it the children or Stone who was trained at Azores? At the moment it states "who needed to be treated and was trained". If it's Stone, then put a comma after "treated" but if it was the children then remove the "was"
 * "2015 Thalys train attack (see below)." - drop the "(see below)" and remove the space between the punctuation at the end of that phrase and the following citation
 * The second paragraph needs to be re-ordered to make it a bit more chronological. I suggest this: "In January 2015, Stone started education at the Airman Leadership School to learn how to be a non-commissioned officer and lead others. Stone announced in December 2015 that he will be leaving the United States Air Force in November 2016 after meeting with U.S. Ambassador to France Jane D. Hartley further piqued his interest in international relations. He plans on pursuing a degree in international relations at the University of California, Los Angeles or the University of Southern California."
 * You also don't need to repeat citation #14 three times in that paragraph - there's nothing contentious, so just cite it at the end.
 * "He stated that "I was thinking about survival,"" - Is that a quote by Stone or Sadler, because right now it reads as if it was Sadler. Is that correct?
 * Pipe links to Minister of the Interior (France) and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
 * Stabbing: "UCDMC medical staff determined" To avoid repeating "UCDMC" in rapid succession, I suggest changing that start of this sentence to "On arrival, medical staff..." or similar
 * "On December 1, 2015, Tran again appeared in the Sacramento Superior Court for a bail review hearing. Superior Court Judge Ben Davidian postponed the hearing until January 7, 2016, and ordered Tran to continue to be held without bail." To avoid the repetition of dates, I'd simply summarise this by saying "This was subsequently postponed, with Tran held without bail."
 * Has there been any update on the case after the end of March?
 * ❌ — adding information on the case should not affect the status of this GA nomination–and I have not seen recent sources discussion the case further in depth.
 * Personal life: "to sit in box" - I'm not familiar with State of the Union terminology, so if this is right then ignore this one, but should it be "to sit in a box" or "to sit in the box"?
 * ✔️ – correct terminology
 * "Thalys train attack, Stone giving her a hug in response" swap out the comma with a semicolon
 * Drop the piped link to Barack Obama as you've linked to him previously.
 * Cite #1: This doesn't actually say that Stone was a Baptist - it only quotes a Sacremento Bee article (which I presume you've used elsewhere) regarding Stone, but talks about Sadler's Baptist Minister father.
 * New York Daily News citations - use either NY Daily News or New York Daily News for all the citations, as right now both appear
 * Cites #5 and #6: US Air Force shouldn't be in italics
 * ❌ – That is out of my control. It is the template making it italic.
 * Cite #7: Yahoo! News, not just Yahoo!
 * PEOPLE.com cites - these can just be People, rather than PEOPLE.com
 * Cite #11: The Daily Telegraph rather than Telegraph.co.uk to match the other cites
 * Cite #21: Capitalise "The" in "The Guardian"
 * Cite #22: Drop BBC News from the article title
 * – Further explanation needed.
 * I've done it for you. You had "- BBC News" at the end of the subject heading for the cite. Miyagawa (talk) 22:28, 25 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Cite #25: Remove the all caps from US Department of Defense, and the italics too.
 * ❌ – Template is the one making it italic, out of my control.
 * Cite #27: Change latimes.com to Los Angeles Times, and blank out the surname/firstname unless you have an actual person's name to put in there.
 * Cite #29: Change sacbee to match the other Sacremento Bee citations
 * External links: Remove the Facebook link per WP:ELREG
 * That's everything. I know I've missed a couple of things from the stupidly unsaved review (still facepalming) but I also know I've added a couple of things I'd previously missed. Swings and roundabouts and all that. Placing this on hold for seven days so you can take a look - ping me back when you're done or if you need more time. Miyagawa (talk) 13:45, 24 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Miyagawa, thank you so much for your wonderful review! I will fix what you have suggested and let you know when I get it done! Ḉɱ̍  2nd anniv.   17:38, 24 August 2016 (UTC)
 * , I did what you have asked. Cheers! Ḉɱ̍ 2nd anniv.   04:34, 25 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Great. I've made a couple of edits above where you asked for clarification, I figured it was easier if I just did them. The only thing I would suggest (and I'm not holding back the promotion for this) is to swap out citation #1 with the Sacremento Bee news report it discusses in it, rather than use the tertiary source. But that's a minor tweak, and I'm happy to promote in advance of that. Miyagawa (talk) 22:28, 25 August 2016 (UTC)
 * ✅ — thank you so much for your time and effort into your wonderful GA review! So glad we can work to make Wikipedia a better place~! Ḉɱ̍ 2nd anniv.   00:01, 26 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Cites #5 and #6: US Air Force shouldn't be in italics
 * ❌ – That is out of my control. It is the template making it italic.
 * Cite #7: Yahoo! News, not just Yahoo!
 * PEOPLE.com cites - these can just be People, rather than PEOPLE.com
 * Cite #11: The Daily Telegraph rather than Telegraph.co.uk to match the other cites
 * Cite #21: Capitalise "The" in "The Guardian"
 * Cite #22: Drop BBC News from the article title
 * – Further explanation needed.
 * I've done it for you. You had "- BBC News" at the end of the subject heading for the cite. Miyagawa (talk) 22:28, 25 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Cite #25: Remove the all caps from US Department of Defense, and the italics too.
 * ❌ – Template is the one making it italic, out of my control.
 * Cite #27: Change latimes.com to Los Angeles Times, and blank out the surname/firstname unless you have an actual person's name to put in there.
 * Cite #29: Change sacbee to match the other Sacremento Bee citations
 * External links: Remove the Facebook link per WP:ELREG
 * That's everything. I know I've missed a couple of things from the stupidly unsaved review (still facepalming) but I also know I've added a couple of things I'd previously missed. Swings and roundabouts and all that. Placing this on hold for seven days so you can take a look - ping me back when you're done or if you need more time. Miyagawa (talk) 13:45, 24 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Miyagawa, thank you so much for your wonderful review! I will fix what you have suggested and let you know when I get it done! Ḉɱ̍  2nd anniv.   17:38, 24 August 2016 (UTC)
 * , I did what you have asked. Cheers! Ḉɱ̍ 2nd anniv.   04:34, 25 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Great. I've made a couple of edits above where you asked for clarification, I figured it was easier if I just did them. The only thing I would suggest (and I'm not holding back the promotion for this) is to swap out citation #1 with the Sacremento Bee news report it discusses in it, rather than use the tertiary source. But that's a minor tweak, and I'm happy to promote in advance of that. Miyagawa (talk) 22:28, 25 August 2016 (UTC)
 * ✅ — thank you so much for your time and effort into your wonderful GA review! So glad we can work to make Wikipedia a better place~! Ḉɱ̍ 2nd anniv.   00:01, 26 August 2016 (UTC)
 * External links: Remove the Facebook link per WP:ELREG
 * That's everything. I know I've missed a couple of things from the stupidly unsaved review (still facepalming) but I also know I've added a couple of things I'd previously missed. Swings and roundabouts and all that. Placing this on hold for seven days so you can take a look - ping me back when you're done or if you need more time. Miyagawa (talk) 13:45, 24 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Miyagawa, thank you so much for your wonderful review! I will fix what you have suggested and let you know when I get it done! <b style="color:limegreen">Ḉɱ̍</b>  2nd anniv.   17:38, 24 August 2016 (UTC)
 * , I did what you have asked. Cheers! <b style="color:limegreen">Ḉɱ̍</b> 2nd anniv.   04:34, 25 August 2016 (UTC)
 * Great. I've made a couple of edits above where you asked for clarification, I figured it was easier if I just did them. The only thing I would suggest (and I'm not holding back the promotion for this) is to swap out citation #1 with the Sacremento Bee news report it discusses in it, rather than use the tertiary source. But that's a minor tweak, and I'm happy to promote in advance of that. Miyagawa (talk) 22:28, 25 August 2016 (UTC)
 * ✅ — thank you so much for your time and effort into your wonderful GA review! So glad we can work to make Wikipedia a better place~! <b style="color:limegreen">Ḉɱ̍</b> 2nd anniv.   00:01, 26 August 2016 (UTC)
 * ✅ — thank you so much for your time and effort into your wonderful GA review! So glad we can work to make Wikipedia a better place~! <b style="color:limegreen">Ḉɱ̍</b> 2nd anniv.   00:01, 26 August 2016 (UTC)