Talk:Sudharmono/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Jens Lallensack (talk · contribs) 21:34, 20 January 2022 (UTC)

Reviewing now, comments follow soon! --Jens Lallensack (talk) 21:34, 20 January 2022 (UTC)

Note: The article has major language problems. I did copy edits as I went, but I am not a native speaker myself so I certainly missed a lot. After the above points were addressed, I would therefore like to call for a second opinion regarding good article criterion 1 "well written". Thanks. --Jens Lallensack (talk) 16:09, 21 January 2022 (UTC)
 * First sentences of lead has commas where I wouldn't place them.
 * serving from 1988 until 1993. – "serving" is twice in the sentence, "from 1988 until 1993" is enough I think.
 * Previously, he served – maybe "Before his Vice Presidency, he served"?
 * which he completed the course in 1956 – "the course" doesn't fit in here grammatically. Both in lead and body.
 * Sudharmono was moved from the position of Cabinet Secretary to the State Secretary – again, not sure how this needs to be formulated
 * Following the end of his term, he – refers to Suharto, is that correct?
 * Sudharmono was extremely active in governing – suggest to drop "extremely" per WP:PUFFERY
 * the son of a carik (secretary) of the Village of Kabalan – "from the village" or "in the village" (he had his job there?). Village in lower case.
 * While his mother was Raden Nganten Sukarsi, the daughter of a priyayi from Bojonegoro. – Remove "While"
 * He was the third child of four children, having 2 older siblings. An older sister, Mbak Siti, and an older brother, Mas Sunar – connect both sentences.
 * Though before he died, his father had been moved back to Tambakrejo, Bojonegoro. – I'm wondering if this detail about his father is really relevant here? That looks a bit like random detail; the remainder of the article is not that detailed.
 * Sudharmono also covered for other ministers when they were unable to perform their duties; – I'm worried here (see also WP:PUFFERY), and it doesn't contain any facts. I would remove this part. --Jens Lallensack (talk) 22:23, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
 * to see the implementation and consolidation of Golkar policies – "oversee"?
 * Suharto was aware of this and before ABRI could do anything, Suharto placed ABRI commander Benny Moerdani as Minister of Defense and Security, a position which had no direct line of command to the troops. Replacing him with Try Sutrisno, who had been Suharto's adjutant.[27] – needs reformulation; second sentence not complete, maybe combine
 * While the ABRI faction's nomination was delayed, with Benny Moerdani continuing to procrastinate by claiming that he had not discussed the Vice Presidential nomination yet. – needs reformulation, I don't understand.
 * Though ABRI's support was likely only in opposition to Sudharmono. – not sure here, too. --Jens Lallensack (talk) 22:47, 20 January 2022 (UTC)
 * Concurrently, a book was also released called Kesan dan Kenangan dari Teman: 70 Tahun H. Sudharmono SH ("Impressions and Memories from Colleagues: 70 Years of Sudharmono"), which talked about Sudharmono from the point of view of those who he had worked with. – Author?
 * Due to the close release of his books and the 1998 MPR General session, – not sure if this works if you formulate like this …
 * Thanks for taking the review. This article was my first ever GA nominee, as such it has quite a number of grammar issues. I intend to fix it in the coming days, but I'm currently a bit busy IRL. I can still respond, though a bit slower than I'd like to. So when I have the time, I'll fix 'em. Cheers, The man from Gianyar (talk) 00:20, 24 January 2022 (UTC)
 * Sure, we are not in a hurry. --Jens Lallensack (talk) 07:44, 24 January 2022 (UTC)
 * I don't think I have the time to do this GA right now, I think it's best that you just fail this @Jens Lallensack. The man from Gianyar (talk) 03:50, 8 February 2022 (UTC)
 * OK, will do. Thanks for letting me know. --Jens Lallensack (talk) 09:42, 8 February 2022 (UTC)