Talk:Tayutama: Kiss on my Deity/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Juhachi (talk · contribs) 02:37, 17 May 2012 (UTC)

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria


 * 1) Is it reasonably well written?
 * A. Prose quality:
 * B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:
 * 1) Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
 * A. References to sources:
 * B. Citation of reliable sources where necessary:
 * C. No original research:
 * 1) Is it broad in its coverage?
 * A. Major aspects:
 * B. Focused:
 * 1) Is it neutral?
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * No edit wars, etc:
 * 1) Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
 * A. Images are copyright tagged, and non-free images have fair use rationales:
 * B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * No edit wars, etc:
 * 1) Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
 * A. Images are copyright tagged, and non-free images have fair use rationales:
 * B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * Pass or Fail:

Comments

 * Lead
 * "and was followed by an all-ages release"; this is a little misleading as the infobox states it had a D rating.
 * "The game received a fan disc titled Tayutama: It's Happy Days" ...'in 2009' or 'in May 2009' after the game's title would be good
 * The lead should have a least one line about the game's reception.
 * ✅; added a sentence about the Bishōjo Game Awards.
 * The lead should have a least one line about the game's reception.
 * ✅; added a sentence about the Bishōjo Game Awards.


 * Gameplay
 * Not really an issue with the section, but something I've been thinking about adding to the general gameplay of VNs. Do you think we should include the fact that choosing the wrong choices can lead to bad ends where the game unexpectedly ends? A line was added to Ef: A Fairy Tale of the Two during it's GAN a few years back. Sometimes bad ends are necessary in order to progress the plot, as in Little Busters!, or in order to see certain CGs. I was also thinking about added a line about one of the goals of a VN is to complete the set of CGs.
 * I guess that depends on the game. Some games like Shuffle! does away with bad endings iirc, and others like True Tears' and To Heart 2 bad endings are just simply endings where you don't end up in a relationship (though the latter's was expanded with the release of Another Days). If bad endings are necessary for progression or completion, we can mention their existence after the sentence "...progress the plot toward a specific heroine's ending" in this article (not that I am planning to use this exact phrasing for future articles, since I only worded it this way because it can be cited), and include a note that it's a prerequisite similar to how you mentioned the "Air" and "Refrain" arcs in Air and Little Busters!.


 * Plot
 * "Supernatural phenomenon is a" --> Supernatural phenomena are a
 * "in various forms such as humans"; using 'such' here implies there should be at least one more form listed, so I'd recommend writing "in various forms, including humans"
 * Shinto is already linked in the setting/themes, so delink it in characters and story
 * "in Yuri and Mashiro's attempt." This needs clarification. I'd suggest rewriting the last couple sentences into:
 * Mashiro Mito (泉戸 ましろ), the main heroine of Tayutama, is a Tayutai girl with a high understanding of spiritual powers who is the incarnation of the goddess Kikuramikami no Hime (綺久羅美守毘売). She falls in love with Yuri soon after being left in his care, to the extent that she claims to be his wife.
 * "in Yuri and Mashiro's attempt." This needs clarification. I'd suggest rewriting the last couple sentences into:
 * Mashiro Mito (泉戸 ましろ), the main heroine of Tayutama, is a Tayutai girl with a high understanding of spiritual powers who is the incarnation of the goddess Kikuramikami no Hime (綺久羅美守毘売). She falls in love with Yuri soon after being left in his care, to the extent that she claims to be his wife.
 * Mashiro Mito (泉戸 ましろ), the main heroine of Tayutama, is a Tayutai girl with a high understanding of spiritual powers who is the incarnation of the goddess Kikuramikami no Hime (綺久羅美守毘売). She falls in love with Yuri soon after being left in his care, to the extent that she claims to be his wife.


 * Several characters become involved in Yuri and Mashiro's attempt to create a world where both humans and Tayutai can coexist together.
 * ; I rephrased this to something similar to what you have here, but I decided to leave a sentence in Mashiro's bio that describes her wish for human-Tayutai harmony.
 * "into the Flawless department" / "from the Flawless department." Can these just be "into Flawless" and "from Flawless"?
 * "and later finds Mashiro as a grown adult," is slightly misleading, as she later starts attending Flawless, so she at least appears the same age as Yuri and the others.
 * ✅; switched to teenager. I hope that fits.
 * ✅; switched to teenager. I hope that fits.


 * Development
 * "The limited edition of the It's Happy Days" --> The limited edition of It's Happy Days
 * The link of visual fan book to art book should go in the first instance of the term 'fan book' in the first line of this paragraph
 * ✅; didn't bother with the original game's art book the first time I worked on this article.
 * "An all-ages version"; as mentioned before, it's not exactly all-ages
 * ✅; I got rid of any mentioning of "all-ages" right now. I would add in a sentence about the removal of adult content, but I don't have a source for that.
 * Ending the sentence with 5pb. should probably be avoided because of the double period. How about "5pb. released..."
 * Link drama CD to audio drama or Radio drama in Japan
 * Link drama CD to audio drama or Radio drama in Japan
 * Link drama CD to audio drama or Radio drama in Japan


 * Printed media
 * "was published by Enterbrain." --> were published
 * ❌; The subject here is "series", which is singular.
 * Then might I suggest rewriting the sentence starting with "Enterbrain published a series..."--  十  八  21:46, 17 May 2012 (UTC)
 * "The anime was first broadcast in Japan between April 5 and June 21, 2009 on the Chiba TV broadcasting network as a UHF anime." I realize how difficult it is to cite air dates, but try to at least cite the initial airing on Chiba and the fact that it's a UHF anime.
 * ; I cited the first episode's air date to an official blog post, but couldn't find any sources mentioning the last episode's ( and that should be June 27; my apologies actually, that should be 21st; I blame the lack of a source). The fact that it's a UHF anime should be somewhat evident from the blog post because of the listing of the various independent stations, but I can take that part out if that's not good enough.
 * The UHF thing could be seen as a synthesis or original research if not explicitly stated, though, which I do not believe that cite does. Also, the official website lists the first air dates for the episodes.--  十  八  21:46, 17 May 2012 (UTC)
 * ✅; changed the wording so it only mentions other stations and not UHF anime. --  クラ  ウド  ６６８  04:13, 18 May 2012 (UTC)
 * ✅; changed the wording so it only mentions other stations and not UHF anime. --  クラ  ウド  ６６８  04:13, 18 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Music
 * "The first music album release was a maxi single entitled" A single isn't an album. Try "The first music release was a maxi single..."
 * "Of the thirty-one tracks" should probably be converted to 31.
 * You're missing some releases, including the anime's ending theme and OST, and any other albums
 * ✅; eh, somehow I never bothered with this section. I rewrote part of the first paragraph (hopefully not turning it worse) to cover the 360 version's theme songs, and included the other releases in the second paragraph. The anime didn't get a soundtrack release.
 * You're missing some releases, including the anime's ending theme and OST, and any other albums
 * ✅; eh, somehow I never bothered with this section. I rewrote part of the first paragraph (hopefully not turning it worse) to cover the 360 version's theme songs, and included the other releases in the second paragraph. The anime didn't get a soundtrack release.

--  十  八  02:43, 17 May 2012 (UTC)
 * Reception
 * Luckily, the game came out right before Ecstasy, so there's an archive at PC Press for the game you can add.


 * Added most of the fixes. Thanks for the review! --  クラ  ウド  ６６８  10:42, 17 May 2012 (UTC)

Great work with the article and the various improvements. Now on to the next project!--  十  八  10:45, 18 May 2012 (UTC)