Talk:The Monster Ball Tour/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: CallMe Nathan   &bull;  Talk2Me   01:43, 10 June 2011 (UTC)


 * Will begin posting review momentarily. In order to avoid edit-conflicts, and loss of time and work, please do not edit this page until placed on hold. Thanks.-- CallMe Nathan  &bull;  Talk2Me   01:45, 10 June 2011 (UTC)

Lead

 * was the second worldwide concert tour and the first headlining tour by American recording artist Lady Gaga -> For high quality prose, refrain from repeating words often, especially in the same sentence
 * done.
 * Revised after only a few months of performing due to Gaga's concern of the original version being constructed within a very short span of time -> difficult to read, try using punctuation or revising
 * revised
 * had a stage alike a frame with forced perspectives with everything fitted within it -> difficult to understand
 * revised
 * Gaga, gaga -> try and switch it up a bit
 * canceled, cancelled -> be consistent
 * our with Kanye West -> West is sufficient
 * while elements of the cancelled tour with Kanye West still remained in some parts. -> Do you mean physical parts, such as staging and costumes, or conceptually, like set-list, vision etc.?
 * elements would imply some of all of these.
 * the revamped shows had a New York theme and portrayed a story set in New York where Gaga and her friends got lost and had to find their way to "the Monster Ball" -> several issues. Repetitious usage of New York. Also, didn't we establish that the theme was human evolution?
 * clarified that human evolution was for original shows, Oz theme for revamped shows.
 * Both versions of the show were divided into five segments with the last being the encore. -> missing comma
 * Segment, segment, segment
 * That sentence is not very clear
 * Cleared
 * Contemporary critics praised the show; -> a bit strong; it makes it seem as all critics favored the production.
 * Clarified what they praised
 * You realize that pompous isn't exactly a completely positive thing? I suggest another word as you are writing that they were impressed by it
 * also impressed by the pompousness and the theatricality of the show -> pompousness and theatricality
 * prompting the organizers -> remove the
 * from 200 reported shows -> they didn't repost one?
 * No. They clubbed the MExico shows together.
 * drawing an audience of 2.5 million -> an estimated
 * highest-grossing tour ever -> when you write "highest grossing," its not necessary to write ever. The use of the word in that context sounds unprofessional
 * At the 2010 Billboard Touring Awards -> is it an actual ceremony?
 * Not a staged ceremony if you mean that, but awards nevertheless.
 * during Gaga's February 2011 shows at Madison Square Garden -> This means they are edited to include performances from all the nights there. Is this right? Or is it one fluid show recorded from one night?
 * Not one night.
 * The special, the special
 * received mixed review from critics -> care to give us a small sentence on why? length, editing, production?
 * Clarified. — Legolas ( talk 2 me ) 07:47, 10 June 2011 (UTC)

Background

 * Initially, hip-hop artist Kanye West and Lady Gaga had plans to launch a joint tour together. "Fame Kills: Starring Lady Gaga and Kanye West", as the tour was known, was confirmed in September 2009. -> Kind of choppy, also with joint, together is redundant
 * In the aftermath -> following
 * take a break from the music industry -> You don't take a break from the music industry, you break from recording music or being active in the industry
 * better?
 * You call West a rapper in the lead and a hip-hop artist here. Be consistent
 * Women in Music luncheon where she cited -> Women in Music luncheon, where she cited
 * "[Kanye] is going to take a break, but the good news is, I am not." -> how does that mean "creative differences"?
 * It doesnot. Gaga is saying she is not taking the break.
 * The photo is not necessary. Why show us a comparative layout of each tour when we haven't even discussed its development
 * The photos throughout the article talk about the different aspects of the tour. It is not necessary that they should only be present in the said section.
 * After ensuring -> assuring
 * You repeat "tour" too often
 * The first instance cannot be avoided.
 * Versace 676 sunglasses -> By mentioning the exact glasses, you are implying that it was in part of some deal with them
 * No? Where are you getting that?
 * Contraption isn't the right word here. It is usually used to describe an object negatively
 * Its a gyroscope.
 * who introduced the "Free I.P." program, offering fans who volunteer their time to homeless youth organizations access to free show tickets. -> tense issues

Development

 * The theme of the show was evolution. -> avoid choppy sentences
 * was based on her integrity not to use any of the things that they had designed together. -> contradictory to what was said in the lead
 * clarified that unwillingly, substance from the cancelled tour were incorporated in the monster ball.
 * Later, she agreed that the tour with West was "the great lost tour". -> I don't see what you are implying. Maybe, "she later described that the tour with West was "the great lost tour." Better, since its a direct quote, so it need to be introduced as "she described," not she agreed. The latter makes it sound as if they are not her words
 * agree
 * The talk about Gaga's hairstyle is trivial. It doesn't belong in this section for starters, and doesn't seem to have any introduction for this section
 * Its not talking about Gaga's hairstyle, its talking about the performance.
 * In December 2009, Gaga revealed that for her 2010 concerts, she planned to cancel the whole concept of the original show, and start afresh. -> talking about the Kanye tour or her previous one?
 * but she did not want to disappoint her fans and not tour over Christmas. ->> This sounds like a fan-page
 * Hence she wanted to promote The Fame Monster for her fans and was able to put together "something that, in truth, I never would have done if I had a longer amount of time" -> I don't see what this has to do with the tour, more-so with the album. Again, not very clear
 * For the next version of the Monster Ball, -> when was there a first?
 * Its already established that she cancelled the original version.
 * starting with arena shows in the United Kingdom from February 2010, she wanted a complete revamp of the show. -> where is she saying that next quote? On stage where? Makes it seem as though she says it in the UK, although that contradicts what was said in this sentence
 * It also incorporated a number of contemporary and old musical pieces, -> covers of older songs?
 * No, then I would have said cover versions of songs. Musical pieces are different. For eg, the "jingle bell jingle bell" is a musical composition, and its universal, while "I Wanna Know What Love is" is a song, but nevertheless universal due to its reputed covers.
 * A number of surprises were mentioned by her. -> short and poor sentence
 * Removed
 * A new keytar was constructed for the show. -> choppy sentences
 * The instrument was created by the Haus of Gaga and she said -> doesn't read well. Not a smooth transition
 * Unclear with all these mentions of past version of the Monster Ball. I wasn't aware, nor do I understand from the article that there were past version of it.
 * There is only one mention of a past version and that is described in the original concept. I don't understaqnd from where are you reading multiple versions.
 * Again, the issue of its theme
 * She explained with Rolling Stone in July 2010 her inspirations -> can be worded better
 * called Nadine -> the car or boy?
 * Its clear that it refers to the car.
 * These photos are problematic. At first glance, it appears as though they will be used to compare and contrast same performances and moments in each tour, and try and show the reader the change. However, all I see are facts about different songs, which, while nice, doesn't help us understand the revisements made.
 * The original and revised shows are not compared side-by-side, that's not the purpose of the article and that's not what happened also. The whole show was changed from 2010 February, so it cannot be compared side-by-side. But elements from the performances which are described in the article and can visually aid in the reader's understanding, are added.
 * As symbolism -> not grammatical
 * she also decided to turn the car into a piano -> poorly written
 * Gaga chose to wear a nun's habit which she believed portrayed -> Gaga chose to wear a nun's habit, which she believed portrayed

Concert synopsis

 * As a note, this section needs to be copy-edited. Its very difficult to find a fluid read in this section. Please read through again with a fine-tooth comb
 * laser lit -> ?
 * and sang her song "Dance in the Dark". -> good thing you told us that, I thought it was a cover of an MC song :P. The latter part can be worded better
 * Dancers, dressed in white balaclavas and white jumpsuits, moved around her. -> try to incorporate into another sentence
 * The scrim, resembling an electric mathematical grid, was eventually lifted during the performance -> You are making it seem like we knew about its presence already. Try to introduce it, because frankly, I don't quite understand it.
 * It is present in first line. But rephrased it nevertheless.
 * with a video screen behind her. -> trivial unless you tell us what played on it
 * This was followed by a brief video intermission and Gaga returned with an off-white costume that resembled an alien ecto-skeleton while the dancers wore skeletal headgear. -> proper punctuation needed
 * he started performing "LoveGame" which ended -> he started performing "LoveGame", which ended
 * Upon a digital background, -> better wording required
 * her song "Alejandro", -> as noted above, it is not necessary to tell us its her song. When it isn't, then tell us by who
 * male dancer, male dancer
 * It continued with two songs from The Fame Monster: "So Happy I Could Die" and "Teeth", where she removed the feathered dress. -> very choppy. Significant re-write necessary
 * and continued at the piano -> when did she start. Also, c/e needed
 * she played the piano while balancing on her piano stool
 * song "Make Her Say" which contains -> song "Make Her Say", which contained
 * This segment was followed by the performance of "Fashion" and "The Fame", during these performances Gaga wore a gold -> repetitious -> during which Gaga wore
 * The dress was compared to the garment of a viking. -> choppy
 * Upholster isn't a word used with people or dressings, mainly with furniture and construction. Re-wording necessary
 * leather boys -> ?
 * Bondage inspired black leather dress with guns hanging from it and a hat made of muzzles -> very confusing and poor sentence
 * were worn during "Poker Face" and Gaga pumped her hands in the air while performing the song. -> you tend and try to connect two halves of most sentences with and. I see most of them here are two part. The first describing the setting and fashion, and the second Gaga's actions and performance. Connect them with other words and punctuation
 * better?
 * Another video interlude followed displaying arty poses of Gaga in gothic looks. -> Another video interlude followed, displaying arty poses of Gaga in gothic looks.
 * She returned on the stage -> to the stage
 * A backdrop of stars were shown during the performance. -> choppy
 * Latter issue persists throughout section and article
 * This was followed by "Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)", which signified her rebirth as she descended from the top amidst white lights and mechanical fog. -> The source implies that "EENEICS" and "Bad Romance" signify her rebirth
 * Ugh, I did not even notice that the main description was removed. Must be the slow-poison of the article while I was away. Terribly sorry for that.
 * She wore a giant human sized gyroscope -> human sized?
 * Still not clear when these revision were made?
 * Sush, you know :D
 * It began with a projected video onto a curtain which contained images of Gaga smoking a cigarette while a club remix of "Dance in the Dark" played -> run-on. In desperate need of punctuation
 * Em-dash
 * flashing different commentaries were revealed -> commentaries of what?
 * she poked around in the bonnet of a dilapidated green Rolls Royce -> what does this mean? A bonnet is a hat
 * Gaga then went into "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich" while scaling various pieces of scaffolding[15] and subsequently "The Fame" where she rose from beneath the stage, playing her keytar Emma, while wearing a giant red cape. -> needs significant re-write
 * "LoveGame" saw the beginning of the Subway section with Gaga -> "LoveGame" saw the beginning of the Subway section, with Gaga
 * Habit over-link
 * The song was performed with the aid of a gilded subway car[29] and a "disco stick"[15] while her next number "Boys Boys Boys" featured muscly male dancers cavorting in spandex shorts. -> needs proper punctuation. Plus, what does muscly mean
 * After a costume change, Gaga burst into "Money Honey" with an extended keytar solo after emerging from beneath the stage as the New York scenery disappeared around her -> This read much better -> extended keytar solo, following her emergence from beneath.
 * As she walked towards the Glitter way -> what, where?
 * A piano is then brought in and Gaga -> stick with one tense. In the previous section, you described the shows in past tense, here you went out of line a bit
 * goes into the song -> better wording available
 * Again, inconsistent tense issues
 * Her dancers conglomerate around her near the end and Gaga reveals herself to be covered with blood. -> told you about this and thing
 * that it bleeds for anyone -> not clear
 * Gaga then returns and sings "Poker Face". -> when did she leave? Also short and choppy
 * She then leaves for the Monster Ball -> what 'is'' the monster ball? I don't recall the article explaining that even at this point

Critical reception

 * I find that this whole section is a pattern of "So and so from newspaper said" and just pasting a quote. I think this section needs significant re-constructing. It would read much better if you put a lot of it into your own words, and minimalizing your usage of such large quotes. It reads like a quote farm to be honest.

Commercial reception

 * to announce that Gaga will return to the U.S -> would
 * Consistency with U.S. and US.
 * announced, announced
 * Additional shows were announced, and Semi Precious Weapons will continue on the road with Gaga until the Monster Ball ends. -> tense
 * Fogel commented on Gaga's lack of experience in a tour and said that it was an opportunity for her -> punctuation needed. Also, what kind of opportunity?
 * oronto, Vancouver and San Jose who were compelled to add second dates in each city. -> oronto, Vancouver and San Jose, who were compelled to add second dates in each city.
 * Billboard estimated that by the time the tour wraps up in 2011, it would have grossed close to $200 million worldwide. -> tense
 * The ticket money from the final performance at Radio City, was donated for the Haiti earthquake relief. -> Comma not needed
 * with an audience of 1.3 million -> an estimated
 * The top grosser was Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey -> not good wording
 * April 22, 2011, performance -> no comma needed
 * came from the Nashville market with 14,925 in the house -> needs better wording
 * The tour played the Atlanta market on April 18, 2011, with 10,864 tickets sold at the Arena at Gwinnett Center and closed out the week in New York's Long Island area with a sellout crowd of 13,195 at Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum in Uniondale on April 23, 2011. -> very run-on. Also, why tell us about these small arena shows. Why not about the 55K plus shows at Foro Sol?

Broadcast and recordings

 * HBO filmed a special of The Monster Ball Tour during Gaga's February 21–22, 2011, shows at Madison Square Garden -> source?
 * in May 7, 2011
 * showed the special -> aside from aired, there are better words than showed
 * She struts through the neighborhood and into an SUV. She pulls up to Madison Square Garden and greets her fans. -> merge
 * fans are once again backstage as Gaga -> sounds like a promoter
 * "loser", -> ,"
 * Prior to its release, a number of previews from the broadcast were released by Gaga including one where she calls herself a "loser", herself walking the streets of New York dressed in a studded leather jacket and high platform ankle boots as "Born This Way" plays in the background. -> lacks fluidity. Towards the middle gets confusing
 * and the spectators pouring in Madison Square Garden -> into
 * Same issue as Critical reception

Box office

 * The Belle Center shows grosses are problematic. First of all, i checked through the sources, and those numbers are not found. Also, are implying that tickets were an average of over $220 a ticket!? That is unheard of, and doesn't add up with the average $80-$120 average on all other shows.
 * Overall a very informative article. However, a lot of prose related issues are found throughout. On hold for seven days. Feel free to comment on any points I made. I have watch-listed this page.-- CallMe Nathan  &bull;  Talk2Me   03:48, 10 June 2011 (UTC)
 * Partly done, don't check now. — Legolas ( talk 2 me ) 07:47, 10 June 2011 (UTC)
 * Legolas, we are already 6 days into the allotted 7 day time limit for reviews. I appreciate the effort that has been made to address certain said issues, but time is ticking. If needed and requested, I can give you a few more days, but please notify me on the reviews status.-- CallMe Nathan  &bull;  Talk2Me   03:40, 16 June 2011 (UTC)
 * Spot on! Spot on!. He he Nat, I will complete it today. (I'm kinda obsessed with Family Guy now) — Legolas ( talk 2 me ) 06:24, 16 June 2011 (UTC)


 * Haha, I love that show :) Don't worry, just want to make sure you didn't forget :P I don't mind waiting two more days.-- CallMe Nathan  &bull;  Talk2Me   08:57, 16 June 2011 (UTC)


 * Fail - We are already 10 days into the review, and Legolas has already notified me that he does not believe he will have time to make the fixes. Good luck next time!-- CallMe Nathan  &bull;  Talk2Me   09:49, 20 June 2011 (UTC)