Talk:Toussaint Tyler/GA1

GA Review
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Reviewer: Wizardman  Operation Big Bear 15:41, 28 April 2010 (UTC)

Overall this article is pretty good, though I found some issues:
 * "That year, the Huskies accumulated seven wins and four losses, not making a bowl game." Not sure if this sentence is really necessary in the lead.
 * Removed Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)
 * "He then went on to a short stint with the Oakland Invaders, and then tried to make the Minnesota Vikings." 'make' is a little jargony in this case I think; reword.
 * "reworded to "earn a spot" Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)
 * "The El Camino team won the California Interscholastic Federation (CIF) district title this season." What season/year?
 * Moved year from next sentence to this one. Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)
 * I would tweak the second college paragraph to make it more based on Tyler, rather than the Huskies team.
 * I've added info on his first collegiate game and a relevant poll of sportswriters Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)
 * "the back now needed 65 yards to tie Credell Green for tenth on Washington's list of career rushing yards leaders." when did he need it? also, you can use Tyler rather than the back; doesn't need to be that impersonal.
 * What do you mean by "when did he need it"? He didn't need it per say, but to accomplish the task (tenth on the list), he needed to gain 65 more yards. Also, I like the occasional use of "the back", as it's a good replacement "Tyler" and "he"/"his"/etc. Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)
 * "To conclude the season, Washington, then number 13, upset the Texas Longhorns, favorites by one touchdown, 14–7. After winning their first ever bowl game outside the Rose Bowl, the team finished 10–2, unbeaten in conference games. Taylor rushed 19 times for 70 yards." Starts to get tangential again. Also, who's Taylor?
 * Both fixed. Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)
 * "Washington then beat Stanford 27–24." When was the game? also I'd combine this and the next sentence together.
 * Isn't it clear that this game was after the one previously mentioned? And I did combine this sentence and the next one. Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)
 * "Washington beat USC 20–10; this clinched the Huskies a trip to Pasadena, California for the Rose Bowl on New Years' Day, and proved that they were the best team in their conference, regardless of eligibility." both tangential and POV
 * Yeah, sounds much worse now that I read it over. Cut Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)
 * "In a scoreless first quarter, it was originally ruled a touchdown when Tyler dove over a pile near the goal line. After the officials conferred, however, it was decided that Tyler had fumbled at the one-yard line, which he later admitted to." I think better context and rewording is needed for the fumble.
 * Not sure what you mean here. Could you clarify? Thanks, Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)

I'll put the article on hold for five days and look over it again when the issues are fixed. The major underlying issue I think, is that the article seems to stray from Tyler to talk about Washington football a little too frequently. Be careful about language as well. modifiers like "poorly" or whatever shouldn't be used unless sourced and necessary. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 15:41, 28 April 2010 (UTC)
 * Yeah, not sure how I slipped that "poorly" in there. I've responded to all the issues you're brought up. Thanks for the review, and sorry for the slow replies. Cheers, Mm40 (talk) 16:19, 2 May 2010 (UTC)
 * For the first point, I meant what was the timeframe for when he needed the 65 yards, as that was unclear at first. For the second point, I mean it just says now there was a touchdown by him and it was ruled a fumble. With it being mentioned in the lead though, I presumed it must have been a major point. This part is probably okay and I'm just overthinking it. Wizardman  Operation Big Bear 14:13, 3 May 2010 (UTC)
 * I think the 65 yards is clear once the sentence is read, as it says "career" later in the sentence. If you feel it still needs clarification, I can clarify. Mm40 (talk) 19:42, 3 May 2010 (UTC)
 * Sounds a bit beter, though still not perfect, when I read it, so I'll pass the article as a GA. Wizardman  Operation Big Bear 18:38, 4 May 2010 (UTC)