Talk:Trevor Hoffman/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Wizardman (talk · contribs) 17:09, 13 November 2011 (UTC)

I'll review this article. I should note that due to the size/detail of the article, the review will be over the course of a few days, probably a week. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 17:09, 13 November 2011 (UTC)
 * My apologies for the delay here. I took on a couple other reviews for classes so given the time factor I gotta get them wrapped up first. Give me another few days. Wizardman  Operation Big Bear 17:26, 20 November 2011 (UTC)

Here's the review finally:
 * "filling in if the designated singer or the national anthem did not show up." tweak to 'designated or national anthem singer..'
 * "Ed would often bring Hoffman to the games with him" I'd change Hoffman to his son, since in this case using a last name is odd.
 * The fire sale link is now circular, so that should be fixed.
 * "However, this is also the year during which he developed his changeup." the however doesn't add anything, so remove that.
 * I'm not convinced that the SI cover issue is a necessary non-free image, as the 99-02 paragraph sums it up quite nicely.
 * "In a 4–3 win over the Chicago Cubs on September 14, he worked a perfect ninth" I get what the second part means, but lay readers may not get what a perfect ninth is.
 * "after converting 53/54" 53 of 54
 * "Hoffman would save 56% " Hoffman saved 56% is a bit crisper; same for the two sentences after that.
 * "including one that trimmed the tip of his scapula" linking scapula would be helpful.
 * "DHL Presents the Major League Baseball Delivery Man of the Month " can probably be cut down to DHL Delivery Man of the Month.
 * "Hoffman signed a $13.5 million, two-year contract that included a club option for 2008. "It came down to me making a decision for my family and not disrupting what we have going on," said Hoffman. "This is probably the most significant signing that I've had," said then-Padres general manager Kevin Towers. "This guy is the face of our organization. I can't put into words what he means to our community."" the cite at the end goes for both quotes right/ Ideally it should come after both to be on the safe side but I won't make a stink about it.
 * "after being 10–11 " 10 for 11
 * "Hoffman won the Rolaids Relief Award for the second time in his career, and he was awarded The Sporting News NL Reliever of the Year for the third time.[79][80] and He was the runner-up for the Cy Young Award for the second time.[81]" these two sentences can be combined, with he in lowercase where it's capitalized.
 * "Hoffman was named to the NL All Star Team for the sixth time in his career." hyphenate all-star.
 * "Hoffman ended the 2008 season 3-6" make sure this dash is consistent with the other dashes in the article.
 * "making his seventh appearance, and first as a Brewer." comma not needed here, though not sure if the first as a Brewer part is necessary at all since it was his only.
 * "In April, Hoffman pitched 9 innings" nine innings
 * "which he throws with a palmball grip, from teammate Donnie Elliott in 1994. However, he did not use the pitch in a game that year" which he threw, and the note about him not using in in 1994 isn't really needed since the next sentence suffices.
 * The legacy section feels to be a bit on the long side. For example, the playoff section could probably be shortened as an example since it's basically a paragraph noting one thing.

I'm a little concerned about the tone after the career section; I know Hoffman was well-regarded but it does feel over the top in some areas.

I'll put the article on hold for these issues to be addressed. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 04:23, 27 November 2011 (UTC)
 * Thanks for your comments. I've updated per your suggestions with the following notes:
 * "filling in if the designated singer or the national anthem did not show up." tweaked instead to "designated national anthem singer"
 * "Ed would often bring Hoffman to the games with him": Manual of Style/Biographies says to use the surname only for the subject of the article. If you still think it is confusing, I would suggest using "Trevor", but would prefer to leave as "Hoffman".
 * "The legacy section feels to be a bit on the long side. For example, the playoff section ..." Since his playoff record is noted by many sources when recounting his career, I feel its due weight. For neutrality, explanation beyond the raw number of saves in the playoffs is needed.
 * "I know Hoffman was well-regarded but it does feel over the top in some areas." Perhaps since his career was in San Diego and not a media-intense city, the press never dug up much dirt on him. I'm open to any suggestions on adding missing material you are aware of or changing of existing wording.
 * —Bagumba (talk) 18:57, 28 November 2011 (UTC)
 * My issues wasn't with the lack of criticism (besides his final year there was little), but rather with the fact that the article does push his good nature a bit too much. After reading the article again though, it's not that bad in this regard. As such if you're looking at FAC for this, I would go to PR first to get that looked at. I will pass the article since I think it's GA-worthy though. Wizardman  Operation Big Bear 16:08, 1 December 2011 (UTC)