Talk:Twintelle/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Haleth (talk · contribs) 09:45, 17 August 2021 (UTC)

I'll take this one. BRB with comments. Haleth (talk) 09:45, 17 August 2021 (UTC)

Most issues are prose-related. Broadness of coverage from sources is fine, though one particular article is useless in my opinion and does not contribute anything towards quality. I have listed my concerns below. Haleth (talk) 15:16, 27 August 2021 (UTC)
 * Dusa has had a lot going on recently (we know each other off-wiki) and I offered to take over the review for her since it's been going on for so long. I assume this is fine - if so I will go over the issues you listed either today or over the weekend.--AlexandraIDV 07:57, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * I have responded to each of your points - some of which were already handled by Dusa - please let me know if there's anything else, and I will take another look.--AlexandraIDV 13:30, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Hi there, thanks for stepping in on Dusa's behalf as I was going to follow up by pinging her, and I hope she's ok. Anyway, everything I have raised has already been addressed and the article looks good. It's a pass for me. Haleth (talk) 05:33, 12 September 2021 (UTC)

Lede

 * Suggest adding player between "other" and "characters" and whitelink it as player character
 * Done--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * , perhaps depicted would be more apt? My impression is that it is more then throwaway flavor text since the body states that she is the in-universe owner of one glamorous-looking stage.
 * Done--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * I believe, from re-reading the original source, is that the process is more "complicated" then "difficult" if we have to use a word to summarize the design process.
 * Fair, done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Suggest moving as the opening sentence of the second paragraph. The next few lines deal directly with her popularity anwyay.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Should be merged into the sentence about her Nintendo Direct reveal and fan favorite status.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)

Concept and creation

 * "black and French" should be "a Black French person" (whitelink), swap featuring to with.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Could do with a brief description of who Adeyto is.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Suggest she fights with her hair unlike other fighters who utilize their arms
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Too many repetitive uses of "she is" to start sentences throughout the first paragraph in my opinion. A bit of variation would be good.
 * Sorted.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * This sentence does not flow well and probably unnecessary, as the previous sentence already made it clear that other Nintendo divisions were contacted for their opinion on the character's design.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Again, I never got the impression from the reading of the original source that the character was explicitly spelled out as "difficult" to design. It simply stated that the team was worried about her concept without specifying the exact reason why they are worried, though it does say they made a conscious decision to put more time and effort into her design.
 * I have tweaked this, how does it look now to you?--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)

Reception

 * should be omitted. It seemed like a puffery term to me. Previous sentences have already stated facts about the extent of her popularity.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * should be led to.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * alludes to some quality about the character but is kind of vague. Neither source specifically spell out or include any terms that correlate to "sex", "sexy" or "sexuality" or discuss anything along these lines.
 * The Kotaku source does not seem to want to say "sexy", but very much implies it when discussing how the fanart depicts her. I have changed it to the milder "attractiveness".--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * repetitive use of "suggested". Prose could use improvement.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Why does a listicle from a Geek.com writer get a sentence all to themselves when the other critics who want Twintelle for Smash in articles of a similar style is compiled together in one sentence? I feel it is undue.
 * Agreed.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Omit to do.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * I am a bit confused by this sentence. Does Shonte Daniels from Paste use or insist on "they/them" pronouns, and does "their hair" refer to Daniels' hair or Twintelle's hair? If so, why in the next sentence is the female pronoun used as in ...or does "she" refer to Tanya DePass from Mic?
 * She uses "her" on her website. I suspect this was a placeholder - regardless, I think this is sorted.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * The source does not actually say that Serena acknowledges her body to be "masculine", but that it is "muscular". "Muscular" is not synonymous with "masculine".
 * Yeah. I don't know what happened here, but done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * flauints should be flaunts.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * unique character designs should be singular not plural.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * I think "sex appeal" conveys the intended meaning better, but its your call.
 * Agreed. They're similar, but "sexuality" can also evoke "sexual orientation" or "libido".
 * I object to the inclusion of this article, which for some reason is no longer accessible other then through Internet Archive. The only thing that is relevant within the context of this page is that Twintelle is mentioned, fleetingly, on a list of top black characters published in celebration of Black History Month, where pretty much the entirety of its body talked about Reggie Fils-Aimé, who isn't actually a fictional character, and there is zero commentary to be found about her.
 * I agree. Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * Whitelink Grand Valley State University.
 * Done.--AlexandraIDV 13:08, 10 September 2021 (UTC)
 * I think there's room for improvement to paraphrase the point that Alisha Karabinus is trying to make in her article. Perhaps something along the lines of, ''but felt that they are not insurmountable issues, and said the key issue is a lack of representation and that there should be more playable black female characters in video games".
 * Well... I read the article, and I think your suggestion is an improvement, so I just went ahead and implemented it.--AlexandraIDV 13:28, 10 September 2021 (UTC)