Talk:Ventus (Kingdom Hearts)/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: DragonZero (talk · contribs) 08:56, 14 June 2013 (UTC)

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria


 * 1) Is it reasonably well written?
 * A. Prose quality:
 * B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:
 * 1) Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
 * A. Has an appropriate reference section:
 * B. Citation to reliable sources where necessary:
 * C. No original research:
 * 1) Is it broad in its coverage?
 * A. Major aspects:
 * B. Focused:
 * 1) Is it neutral?
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * No edit wars, etc:
 * 1) Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
 * A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:
 * B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * Issues must be addressed to pass. Suggestions are only suggestions. Failed due to inactivity.
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * No edit wars, etc:
 * 1) Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
 * A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:
 * B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * Issues must be addressed to pass. Suggestions are only suggestions. Failed due to inactivity.
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * Issues must be addressed to pass. Suggestions are only suggestions. Failed due to inactivity.

Issues

 * "warriors with the weapon Keyblade" Awkward Sentence? Keyblade is a noun, if you replace that noun with sword, it'll sound like "With the weapon Sword"
 * Someone fixed it


 * "When Terra goes on a mission to find the missing Master Xehanort, Ventus follows him as he starts getting concerned about his fate." Awkward sentence. It would sound better if you omit the missing, finding will imply that person's location is not known. Also, the second idea in this sentence is confusing for non-experts.
 * Someone fixed, and I also rewrote


 * "Ventus learns about his origins and his relation with Xehanort and his apprentice Vanitas." Awkward due to having two ands in succession.
 * Rephrased


 * Terra and Aqua not linked in Appearances.
 * Fixed


 * "Roxas's birth" -> Roxas' birth
 * Fixed


 * "publications still discussed" continued to discuss
 * Fixed


 * "Videogamer.com writer Emily Gera stated that players may know little about them due to their role in Kingdom Hearts II, but with Birth by Sleep, players will be able to know about them." Not reception.
 * Cut


 * Ventus's -> Ventus' Happens multiple time in the article.
 * All fixed


 * "in what appears to be the" We've been over this before. The wording suggests O.R. Is it the Land of Departure or not?
 * Made concrete


 * "Vanitas's being revealed" Vanitas being revealed is not a possession.
 * Fixed


 * "During development of Birth by Sleep, the Osaka team in charge of making it thought that Ventus should be related with Vanitas". "Osaka team in charge of making it thought" -> "Osaka team in charge of developing the g
 * Rephrased


 * "had to face the fact that Ventus and Roxas were identical, and also had a spiky hair like Sora." Not reception
 * Cut


 * IGN and RPG Gamer choosing Ventus' scenario first isn't a reception for the character.
 * Cut


 * "In contrast to 1UP's comments towards Ventus's actions in Cinderella's world, VanOrd commented that such interactions to be "more bothersome than boisterous" 1UP's comment wasn't there. Also, this isn't reception. It's saying the Cinderalla level for Ventus was bothersome.
 * Cut


 * "Following their release" Their reveal?
 * I dont think so, I think its release, meaning after the games came out, because players would not know the games plot from the reveal, but from the release when they got to play it.


 * "Their battle takes place in the Keyblade Graveyard, where he is restrained by the Unversed as he is forced to fuse with Vanitas to create the χ-blade, his body ending up under Vanitas's control." You can leave out unnecessary detail like the Unversed restraining him. Try this "Their battle takes place in the Keyblade Graveyard, where Vanitas merges with Ventus and obtains the χ-blade"
 * Rewrote


 * "At the start of the game, Ventus is goaded by Vanitas into following Terra after he is sent by Eraqus to seek out Xehanort, fearing for his friend's well-being." Something awkward here. See if you can fix it.
 * Still kinda rough, but better


 * "Despite similarities with Roxas, Nomura wanted Ventus's personality to more closely resemble Sora's, which led to his forward attitude, yet at the same time, he wanted him to be slightly more serious as the game continued in order to differentiate them." Awkward and a bit vague towards the end. Suggestion Cross off "Despite similarities with Roxas" which suggests that his appearance should have influenced his personality.
 * Rewrote


 * "Nomura had troubles designing Ventus's, Terra's and Aqua's armors due how they would be able to summon them." Awkward
 * Rewrote


 * "Writing for GamesRadar, Crhis Antista later called Ventus a "Roxas-clone", and commented that he still did not understand the importance of him and the other characters being briefly featured in Kingdom Hearts II, although it could be explained once the player finishes Birth by Sleep." Lots of things wrong here. I'll get back to this later.
 * Totally rewrote


 * "Nomura stated that his nickname was Ven, having been first mentioned by the character Lingering Sentiment in Final Mix, while his full name was still unrevealed." Awkward phrasing
 * Rewrote and split


 * "Ventus refuses to battle Vanitas to avoid creating the χ-blade, but is forced to after Vanitas threatens to kill Terra and Aqua if he does not." Wouldn't Vanitas kill them regardless? If so, you can leave out the "if he does not"
 * Rewritten


 * "where Ventus's heart is, having searched for Terra, Aqua, and him over the past ten years." Awkward second thought?
 * Rewrote


 * "with one of the game's mission being exploring his true identity" Does being need to be here?
 * Rewrote


 * "would be Sora before being born" Being -> he was?
 * Scrapped


 * "Nomura thought that the heart" Does it mean this is what he thought happened or originally conceived to happen?
 * Totally rewritten


 * "but nevertheless, his role within the game has been well received." Unclear? "But nevertheless" implies that his resemblance to Roxas impacted whether he was positively or negatively received.
 * Rewritten


 * "In the making of the endings, Nomura had only drawn the settings of Terra, Aqua and him, but after finishing them, he had drawn their faces." Unclear on settings.
 * Rewrote


 * "Despite not revealing their identities, Nomura still said that they were characters from the past from the Kingdom Hearts series." I am confused here. "Still said" -> "rd"?
 * Rewrote

"They were", "They aevealere"? "from the past from the Kingdom Hearts series" -> "from the past of the Kingdom Hearts series"?
 * Rewrote


 * Speculation on the character should be summed up as a whole instead of specific reviewers because it isn't that significant. Like the last sentence in the first paragraph of reception which uses "sites"
 * We trimmed a lot of reception already, perhaps you can cite some examples of this problem for me to rephrase or trim.


 * "Ventus was designed by director Tetsuya Nomura who wanted him to have an important connection with the series' main character Sora." Vague. Was the character designed because he wanted a character with an important connection to Sora, or was designed to have an important connection to Sora?
 * Rewrote


 * Development section needs some encasement at places. Either that or they are unsourced.
 * Encased


 * "Therefore, the name Vanitas was also made to link it to Ventus's name, with both of them having similar meanings." Clarify.


 * Rewrote


 * ", something which Nomura liked as he wanted to add more connections to the game" separate this into another sentence if the previous suggestion was taken.


 * Rewrote


 * "Losing his memories," Implies he's continuously losing them. I don't think you mean this.
 * Rewritten


 * "Wayward Wind (フレッシュブリーズ)" Nihongo wasn't used right here. Wayward Wind, known in the original Japanese release as Fresh Breeze (フレッシュブリーズ). Only use lit (combined with Nihongo3) if it is a Japanese translation and not Japanese phoenics for an English word/s.
 * Fixed I think


 * "Ventus is also shown in a cameo in Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days when Xion, a replica of Sora, is seen as Ventus while fighting Xigbar." Clarify. It might need to be expanded into more than one sentence.
 * Rewrote

Suggestions

 * "smiling all of a sudden" All of a sudden is too unformal, you can probably remove that part.
 * Rephrased


 * "commonly nicknamed Ven -> commonly refereed to as Ven" I think this is more accurate, it's not a nickname, it's a shortened version of his name.
 * Rephrased


 * "Ventus bears an extremely striking" -> "Ventus bears a strong"
 * Rephrased


 * Consider a note for χ-blade. The ref, the note  χ-blade is pronounced as Kye Blade. There might be a better solution then what I have given.
 * Noted


 * "However, their fusion is incomplete, allowing Ventus to destroy Vanitas within his heart at the same time that Aqua destroys the χ-blade. As a result, Ventus loses his heart and his body is placed within Castle Oblivion by Aqua until he awakens." Have you tried merging these two sentences? "The combined efforts of Ventus and Aqua destroy Vanitas and the χ-blade but ...etc"
 * Rewritten

I will have to make some more rounds because this was only a quick check. DragonZero ( Talk  ·  Contribs ) 08:56, 14 June 2013 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the review! I will start climbing through the corrections soon. Judgesurreal777 (talk) 01:48, 19 June 2013 (UTC)
 * ? DragonZero  ( Talk  ·  Contribs ) 20:22, 29 June 2013 (UTC)
 * I'm going to fail this do to inactivity. If this is sent to GA again, fix the issues and message me on my talk page. I'll take this up again. DragonZero  ( Talk  ·  Contribs ) 09:57, 1 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Ok! All fixed, round one was long but it reads better now. Judgesurreal777 (talk) 01:19, 17 July 2013 (UTC)