Talk:When the Bough Breaks (Star Trek: The Next Generation)/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Viriditas (talk · contribs) 04:48, 17 July 2013 (UTC)

Lead
Currently (April 10, 2017) the first line says it is the 16th episode. But I think it is the 17th. — Preceding unsigned comment added by 72.181.106.177 (talk) 17:41, 7 April 2017 (UTC)


 * When the Bough Breaks" is the 17th episode of the American science fiction television series Star Trek: The Next Generation, originally aired on February 15, 1988 in broadcast syndication within the United States.
 * Separate sentence for readability: "It first aired in broadcast syndication on February 15, 1988." Viriditas (talk) 02:18, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Done. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * The episode was the first to be written for the series by Hannah Louise Shearer, and the only episode of the series directed by Kim Manners.
 * "This was the first episode written for the series by Hannah Louise Shearer and the only episode of the series directed by Kim Manners." Viriditas (talk) 02:18, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Done. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Set in the 24th century, the series follows the adventures of the crew of the Starfleet starship Enterprise-D.
 * "Set in the 24th century, the series follows the adventures of the Starfleet crew on the Federation starship Enterprise-D." Viriditas (talk) 02:18, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Done as per Home Soil. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * In this episode, the residents of a not-so-mythical planet kidnap children from the Enterprise to start re-populating their world.
 * "In the episode, the residents of a not-so-mythical planet kidnap children from the Enterprise to re-populate their dying world." Viriditas (talk) 02:18, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Done. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * While Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) attempts to negotiate for their release, Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton) organises the resistance amongst the children.
 * "...organises a passive resistance amongst the children." Viriditas (talk) 02:18, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Changed as noted. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * The episode featured Jerry Hardin in his first Star Trek role, and Brenda Strong.
 * "The episode features Jerry Hardin in his first Star Trek role, and Brenda Strong." Viriditas (talk) 02:32, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Done. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Uncredited guest stars included the younger siblings of Wheaton and Michael Westmore's daughter, Mackenzie.
 * Heh, talk about confusing! That makes it sound like Wheaton and Michael had a daughter together who is related to Wheaton!  Try, "Mackenzie Westmore, the daughter of make-up supervisor Michael Westmore, along with Jeremy and Amy Wheaton, the younger brother and sister of Wil Wheaton, appear as uncredited children." Or something like that. Viriditas (talk) 02:32, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Wowser. Yep, that is bad. Changed to your version. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * The reception from critics was mixed.
 * As the reader, I would really like to know more in the lead! Something like, "The episode received a mixed reception from critics who noted strong performances from Wil Wheaton and Patrick Stewart."  Can you think of something similar? Viriditas (talk) 01:52, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * I've added a line similar to that but also mentioned the environmental criticism. Miyagawa (talk) 20:51, 19 July 2013 (UTC)

Plot

 * Copyedits by reviewer. OK.

Production

 * Hannah Louise Shearer pitched the episode to D.C. Fontana, as a potential use of the families seen on board the Enterprise.
 * Remember, each section should stand on its own; don't assume that the reader already knows who Shearer and Fontana are. Perhaps you could preface their names with their occupation (i.e. "writer", etc.) Also, the wording "potential use of the families seen on board the Enterprise" isn't very clear.  I think you are trying to say that Shearer wanted to focus on an episode about the families, but it would also help to explain why (if it is mentioned). This isn't a big deal, but if there is something important in the sources here please add it. Viriditas (talk) 01:14, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * I've expanded it out. I added the series bible as a source and referred to that as the family element is mentioned in it. I went back and double checked the previously used source and expanded it. Miyagawa (talk) 21:19, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Sorry, it still doesn't read very well. Viriditas (talk) 02:07, 20 July 2013 (UTC)
 * I've found an additional problem. Combining the source about families with the source in the series bible borders on original research.  Unless this fact is mentioned in a source (any source) about this episode (this topic) and the series bible, it is problematic.  I have no objection to including it in a footnote, but in the main text we need to rely solely on sources about this subject. Personally, I find this very interesting, and I think it should be said, but you need to be very careful to only write from sources about the episode. Mentioning the fact that there was a change in focus to families in the two series is difficult without a source about this episode. Viriditas (talk) 05:38, 20 July 2013 (UTC)
 * I've switched out the bible bit to a note rather than in the main body of the article rather than lose it entirely. I've also added the DeCandido review in as an additional cite as he also says that the families were mentioned in the pilot but didn't really appear until this episode. Miyagawa (talk) 09:11, 20 July 2013 (UTC)
 * It wasn't very clear, so I quoted the exact passages from the bible that explicitly note this change. Viriditas (talk) 21:31, 20 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Note, I had to go back and look a the sources. I discovered that the content was different from in the original sources so I changed the wording to best reflect the sources in use and I moved the sources appropriately to support the correct content. Viriditas (talk) 21:50, 20 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Shearer had also discussed the idea with series creator Gene Roddenberry about the story which would show "a society that had lost its humanity in favor of technology".
 * Do you mean, "Shearer also discussed a story idea about "a society that had lost its humanity in favor of technology" with series creator Gene Roddenberry"? Viriditas (talk) 01:14, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Changed as noted. Miyagawa (talk) 20:19, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Visual effects supervisor Robert Legato
 * For me, five linked words is overlinking. If you think it is fine, then leave it, but it annoys me as the reader to no end.  Plus, do you really need visual effects supervisor linked here? My guess is that a FAR would remove it, but I could be wrong. The general rule is, don't link unless it is important; additionally, try not to link multiple words and phrases so close together. Viriditas (talk) 01:17, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Fair enough, removed the link to visual effects supervisor. Miyagawa (talk) 20:19, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * This was built as it was cheaper than creating the same effect with a series of matte paintings, and Legato estimated that it had cost around $3,000 to produce.
 * "It was cheaper to build a model of the computer for around US$3,000 than to create a series of matte paintings." Viriditas (talk) 01:35, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Much neater phrasing. Changed as noted. Miyagawa (talk) 20:19, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * The score for the episode was created by Ron Jones, who had sought to take a simple approach to the music with a lilting theme but with the singing replaced with a piano or flute.
 * Ron Jones took a simple approach to the score, using a lilting theme with a piano or flute instead of singing." Viriditas (talk) 01:35, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Changed as noted.
 * This theme was meant to represent the children on board the Enterprise and first featured in the opening cue, "Escape From Calculus".
 * "The theme is representative of the Enterprise's children and first appeared in the opening cue, "Escape From Calculus"." Viriditas (talk) 01:35, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Changed as noted. Miyagawa (talk) 20:19, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Electronic music was used to represent the technology of Aldea across several pieces, including "Scanning for Children" and "Power Source".
 * "The technology of Aldea is embodied by electronic music across several pieces, including "Scanning for Children" and "Power Source"." Viriditas (talk) 01:35, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Changed as noted. Miyagawa (talk) 20:19, 19 July 2013 (UTC)

Reception and home media release

 * However, he also said that the performances were fairly solid and the overall message involving the Ozone layer was "unsubtle but not too sledgehammery".
 * The link to "sledgehammery" is not needed here. Viriditas (talk) 04:10, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Removed. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * She thought that the environmental issue didn't work but was pleased that she was in the knowledge that the series improved.
 * The wording here is a bit clumsy and unusual ("she was in the knowledge that the series improved"). Can you think of a way to smooth it out? Viriditas (talk) 04:16, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * I revisited the source and redrafted that. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * The first home media release of "When the Bough Breaks" was on VHS cassette, appearing on August 26, 1992 in the United States and Canada.
 * "When the Bough Breaks" was first released on VHS cassette in the United States and Canada on August 26, 1992." This statement implies that the VHS cassette release was the first home media release using less words. Viriditas (talk) 04:18, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Trimmed as per your note. Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)

Criteria
GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria


 * 1) Is it reasonably well written?
 * A. Prose quality:
 * Prose needs cleanup.
 * Lead section prose OK
 * Plot OK
 * Production OK
 * Reception and home media release OK
 * B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:
 * 1) Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
 * A. Has an appropriate reference section:
 * B. Citation to reliable sources where necessary:
 * C. No original research:
 * See note about production
 * Footnote OK
 * 1) Is it broad in its coverage?
 * A. Major aspects:
 * The title of this episode is a reference to the nursery rhyme, "Rock-a-bye Baby". Are there any citations that mention this obvious fact or discuss the allusion? Viriditas (talk) 04:24, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * This had been included in the article previously, but I couldn't cite it and so removed it. Unfortunately the TNG stuff just isn't as detailed as the DS9 companion which contains that sort of level of detail on every episode. (it was written as the series progressed, whereas the TNG companion was written in the later seasons). Miyagawa (talk) 16:54, 18 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Good work. Viriditas (talk) 01:45, 19 July 2013 (UTC)
 * B. Focused:
 * 1) Is it neutral?
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) Is it stable?
 * No edit wars, etc:
 * 1) Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
 * A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:
 * B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * Mostly simple prose issues at this point.
 * All issues have been addressed. Viriditas (talk) 21:50, 20 July 2013 (UTC)
 * A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:
 * B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass or Fail:
 * Mostly simple prose issues at this point.
 * All issues have been addressed. Viriditas (talk) 21:50, 20 July 2013 (UTC)
 * Mostly simple prose issues at this point.
 * All issues have been addressed. Viriditas (talk) 21:50, 20 July 2013 (UTC)