Talk:Without Me (Fantasia song)

Synopsis
The music video synopsis section was so poorly written as to be nearly incomprehensible.

"The concept of the music video begins with Fantasia portraying an executive seated at a table with two gentlemen whom are new-founded socialites whom have benefited from being in the circles of Fantasia. The video includes scenes of an exotic car displaying lyrics of the song as well as the verses of the song's collaborators, Kelly Rowland and Missy Elliott."

I rewrote it, and the original author reverted it. So I rewrote it again. "The music video shows several different scenes and cuts back and forth in between them. One scene shows Fantasia portraying an executive seated at a table with two men in suits who appear to be enjoying a luxurious lifestyle. Other scenes show Fantasia, Missy, and Kelly Rowland performing the lyrics of the song and dancing in neon-lit nightclubs and in grungy alleys. Kelly Rowland and Missy Elliott appear in the video, dancing and performing their lyrics. Certain lyrics of the song are displayed in neon lights shone along the front window of a luxury car."

I don't claim this to be the be-all and end-all of excellent prose, but it is recognizable as standard written English and is a better summary of the piece.

First off, the phrase "The concept of the music video begins..." is non-sensical. A music video *has* a concept; a music video can *begin* with a scene. But how can the concept of a video begin with anything in particular? What the author meant was something like, "The music video begins with..." or "the concept behind the video is."

Second, there is no evidence in the video that the men sitting at the boardroom table are "two gentlemen whom are new-founded socialites whom have benefited from being in the circles of Fantasia." (Also, both of those "whom"s should be "who"s, if you care.) We are given no story at all in the video that would indicate who those men are, how long they've known Fantasia's character, how they got to be wealthy enough to drink expensive liquors, etc. Nothing. If that's your opinion, that is original research, which Wikipedia frowns upon.

-- Jcharles75