Talk:Yamhad/GA1

GA Review
The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.''

Reviewer: Coemgenus (talk · contribs) 22:11, 4 January 2015 (UTC)

I'll review this over the next few days. --Coemgenus (talk) 22:11, 4 January 2015 (UTC)
 * --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 14:08, 5 January 2015 (UTC)

Chart

 * GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)


 * 1) It is reasonably well written.
 * a (prose, no copyvios, spelling and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
 * 1) It is factually accurate and verifiable.
 * a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources):  c (OR):
 * 1) It is broad in its coverage.
 * a (major aspects): b (focused):
 * 1) It follows the neutral point of view policy.
 * Fair representation without bias:
 * 1) It is stable.
 * No edit wars, etc.:
 * 1) It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
 * a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:
 * 1) It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
 * a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:
 * 1) Overall:
 * Pass/Fail:

Comments

 * "The city of Halab was a religious center in northern Syria since the times of Ebla (middle second millennium BC)..." I know you linked it, but maybe a few brief words about what Ebla was would help readers unfamiliar with this era in history. I see that you explain it later, but maybe earlier is better.
 * Yes check.svg Done --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "Halab fame as a Holy City contributed..." Should this be "Halab's..."?
 * Yes check.svg Done --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "The rise of Shamshi-Adad I of Assyria proved more dangerous to Yamhad than Mari, the Assyrian king was an ambitious conqueror with the aim to rule Mesopotamia and the Levant calling himself king of the World." This sentence should be broken up. Maybe "The rise of Shamshi-Adad I of Assyria proved more dangerous to Yamhad than Mari. The Assyrian king was an ambitious conqueror with the aim to rule Mesopotamia and the Levant, and called himself king of the World."
 * Yes check.svg Done --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "...whose king Ishi-Adad, became Assyria agent..." should be "Assyria's agent" or possibly "an Assyrian agent"
 * Yes check.svg Done --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "The death of the Assyrian king came a year later, Yarim-Lim then sent his army with Zimri-Lim to restore his ancestors throne as a vassal to Yamhad, and the relation was cemented through a dynastic marriage between the new Mariote king and Shibtu the daughter of Yarim-Lim." Again, this is too long. Maybe something like this: "The death of the Assyrian king came a year later. Yarim-Lim then sent his army with Zimri-Lim to restore his ancestors' throne as a vassal to Yamhad, cementing the relationship through a dynastic marriage between the new Mariote king and Shibtu the daughter of Yarim-Lim."
 * Yes check.svg Done --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "Yarim-Lim accomplishments elevated..." Should be "Yarim-Lim's..."? Be careful with possessives. I've fixed a few more of these, rather than listing each one here.
 * Yes check.svg Done --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "The alliance ended after the Babylonian king sacked Mari and destroyed it, however Babylon didn't attack Yamhad, and the relations between the two kingdoms remained peaceful during the later years." might be better as "The alliance ended after the Babylonian king sacked Mari and destroyed it. Babylon did not attack Yamhad, however, and the relations between the two kingdoms remained peaceful in later years."
 * Yes check.svg Done--Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "...and although he imposed Yamhad hegemony over Qatna..." "Yamhad" here should be an adjective, but I don't know what that would be. "Yamhadi"? "Yamhadite"?
 * Yes check.svg Done --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "...and won in spite of Halab and Charchemish military support." Again, this needs a possessive, but might be better as "...and won in spite of military support from Halab and Charchemish."
 * Yes check.svg Done--Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "The last king of the dynasty to rule as king of Halab was Ilim-Ilimma I, he was killed during a rebellion orchestrated by king Parshatatar of Mitanni, his son Idrimi fled to Emar then conquered Alalakh in c. 1518 BC and continued the line of kings there, while Halab lost its independence and stayed under the Mitannian rule." This is too long, and hard to parse. Whose son is Idrimi? Ilim-Ilimma?
 * Yes check.svg Done --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * That first sentence in "People and culture" is also far too long.
 * Yes check.svg Done--Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * I've fixed a few more minor things. In general, look out for run-on sentences and missing possessives.
 * --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * "The markets of Yamhad became a source of mountains (probably Anatolian) and Cypriot copper..." This reads like Yamhad's markets were a source of mountains. Do you mean they sold the products of some mountainous region there? Also, that sentence should be broken up into two or three shorter sentences.
 * Yes check.svg Done--Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * Footnotes 9 and 62: capitalize the author's name.
 * Yes check.svg Done--Attar-Aram syria (talk) 17:12, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * That's all for now, I'll check back later for your responses. --Coemgenus (talk) 16:22, 5 January 2015 (UTC)


 * Attar-Aram syria: this looks like everything. Nice work, I'll mark this one passed. --Coemgenus (talk) 23:03, 5 January 2015 (UTC)
 * --Attar-Aram syria (talk) 23:14, 5 January 2015 (UTC)