Talk:Zhu De/GA2

GA Review
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Reviewer: Rationalobserver (talk · contribs) 18:05, 31 January 2015 (UTC)

Lead

 * affiliated with Mao Zedong and his forces
 * There are a couple of terms in the lead that could be linked, and I think Mao is a good start.


 * He ascended through the ranks as the Red Army closed in on securing the nation.
 * This is a little awkward; reword.


 * Zhu was a very high ranking official
 * It's best to avoid empty adjectives like very, at least in encyclopedic or academic writing.

Life

 * I think this header is redundant and could be removed altogether.

Early life

 * sent to a classic private school in 1892
 * I think I know what you mean by classic, but this might be confusing to casual readers.


 * gain access to Yunnan Military Academy later on
 * You can drop the later on, as the succession is clear.


 * Enrolling in Sichuan high school around 1907, upon graduating in 1908 he returned to Yilong's primary school as a gym instructor.
 * This needs a rewording; maybe: "He enrolled in Sichuan high school around 1907, and upon graduating in 1908, he returned to Yilong's primary school as a gym instructor."

Nationalism and Warlordism

 * At the Yunnan Military Academy, Zhu met Cai E (Tsai Ao).[10]
 * This seems a bit disconnected to the narrative. I recommend you combine this with the third sentence.


 * Following the death of his mentor Cai E and his own wife,
 * As with above, you might want to combine this point with the others to make a stronger topic sentence.


 * Zhu developed a strong opium habit
 * strong isn;t the best word here.


 * His troops continued to support him and he became a warlord.
 * This is a run-on; add a comma before and he.


 * after his troops were driven from Sichuan toward the Tibet border,
 * That should be "the border with Tibet" or "The Tibetan border".


 * which may have contributed to his decision to leave China for study in Europe
 * It would be nice if this speculative ambiguity were not in Wikipedia's voice.


 * He first travelled to Shanghai where he broke his opium habit and reportedly met Dr Sun Yat-sen.
 * Per WP:ALLEGED, the word reportedly should be avoided.

Converting to Communism

 * In late 1922,[17] Zhu went to Europe,
 * It's odd to have a citation after this clause. Should this be at the end of the sentence?


 * Around this time he joined the Communist Party of China.[19]
 * This is confusing, as just a bit earlier you stated: He attempted to join the Chinese Communist Party in early 1922, but was rejected due to having been a warlord.


 * Zhou Enlai was one of his sponsors.
 * This might confuse a casual reader, so be sure it's clear that needed a sponsor to join.


 * lead a force against Zhou Enlai, his sponsor and Liu Bocheng's Nanchang Uprising.
 * The last clause confuses me.


 * However, having helped orchestrate the uprising, Zhu and his army defected from the Kuomintang.[20] The uprising failed to gather support, however,
 * Reword to avoid using however twice in a short span.

Zhu Mao

 * This section is a little cluttered with images, so remove or move any that aren't especially vital.
 * Should this header have single brackets or double?
 * Mao had formed a soviet
 * Link soviet


 * 'Here they formed the Jiangxi Soviet which would eventually grow to cover some 30,000 square kilometers'
 * The second clause is non-restrictive, so it should be set off with commas.


 * however he was not able to do the same during
 * You need a commas after however.


 * the 1934 break out
 * break out should be hyphenated.

Red Army leader

 * organized some battles.
 * some is a bit vague here.


 * After the Zunyi Conference,
 * Since you've already identified the conference, there is no need for reusing the proper name here.


 * Zhu coopered with Mao and Zhou on military affairs.
 * Coopered?


 * Mao supported this offensive at first
 * Maybe: "Initially, Mao supported this offensive" would be better.


 * While a successful campaign, Mao attributed it as the main provocation for the devastating Japanese Three Alls Policy later and used it to criticize Peng at the Lushan Conference
 * Try: "While a successful campaign, Mao 'later attributed it as the main provocation for the devastating Japanese Three Alls Policy and used it to criticize Peng at the Lushan Conference"

Later life

 * In 1949 Zhu was named Commander-in-Chief of the People's Liberation Army (PLA); thus posterity regards him as a principal founder of the PLA.[40]
 * The second clause strikes me as a non sequitur.


 * The first paragraph of this section is a little jarring, with too many In 1949, In 1951, In 1955 type introductory clauses. Try to smoothen this out so it flows better.
 * He just gave some mild criticisms of Peng
 * Reword this so it's tone is encyclopedic, rather that colloquial.


 * The last four sentences use the word death too often. Also, avoid the one-sentence paragraph that ends the section.

Sourcing

 * I'm not sure what's going on with note 4. Notes 5 and 24 are to dead links, so either you need to find a working link or replace them as citations.
 * Tidy the format of your references, which is oddly just one.


 * Addressed all of this. Thanks for reviewing insofar. QatarStarsLeague (talk) 01:44, 5 February 2015 (UTC)

The source for Note 42 has nothing about his "overseeing" the PLA during the Korean War. Also, Answers.com is not exactly a reliable source. — Preceding unsigned comment added by 2600:4040:2115:6E00:884:A31F:75FC:5519 (talk) 00:01, 17 August 2023 (UTC)

Conclusion
This article is well-written, verifiable, neutral, and stable. Its coverage is broad, and, where appropriate, it is illustrated with images. I am happy to pass this GAN; nice job! Rationalobserver (talk) 15:54, 6 February 2015 (UTC)
 * Thanks a million! QatarStarsLeague (talk) 18:49, 10 February 2015 (UTC)