Template:Did you know nominations/David Kamehameha

David Kamehameha
Created/expanded by KAVEBEAR (talk). Self nom at 07:19, 29 October 2011 (UTC)
 * ... that Hawaiian chief Boki accused Queen Kaʻahumanu of scheming to place her adoptive (hānai) son David Kamehameha on the Hawaiian throne in place of the young king Kamehameha III and was spurred to the point of rebellion but convinced not to by the boy's biological father?


 * A drive-by comment: Pls be reminded that DYK hooks should not be longer than 200 characters. --PFHLai (talk) 23:37, 6 November 2011 (UTC)
 * It's only 48 characters long. How about ... that Hawaiian chief Boki accused Queen Kaʻahumanu of scheming to place her adoptive (hānai) son David Kamehameha on the Hawaiian throne in place of the young king Kamehameha III? Even though the last part is really crucial too. Or ...Queen Kaʻahumanu adopted her grandchildren David Kamehameha and Ruth Keelikōlani in the Hawaiian tradition of hānai?--KAVEBEAR (talk) 23:50, 6 November 2011 (UTC)
 * Drive by comment: The original was 48 words, not characters. Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:04, 10 November 2011 (UTC)
 * What do you guys propose?--KAVEBEAR (talk) 04:59, 11 November 2011 (UTC)
 * Comment: Well, for one, articles get listed on the date they were created or first appeared in the main space, but I moved this from the 30th to the 29th. I have now read the article, though not checked out any refs. Normally, I check the refs and then propose alt hooks, but here's one for now. Also, I've taken out most of the links. The purpose of DYK is to attract attention to your new article. A few wikilinks added in are okay, but if you put in too many, you dilute the focus on your new article and divert traffic to other articles. I try not to have more than two or three, max. Secondly, if you can succinctly state a complex hook, fine, but if you're just adding details, it's best to pick one and make that the hook, or pick each one and make each one a hook and see which one makes the best impression.
 * You need to explain "hānai" within the article. It appears in the first sentence of paragraph 2 without any explanation and the context makes it impossible to guess. Also, you need to punctuate properly. With so many foreign words and unfamiliar names, with "the young king's guard Boki", it's not clear if "Boki" is a type of guard or a proper name. Then you refer to him as "Boki's, ("Luckily Boki's was convinced..."). Is this a typo or another Hawaiian word/name with an apostrophe in the middle? It seems like a possessive can be ruled out. Also, foreign words should be in ital.
 * Furthermore, the main hook does not even work because only part of it is mentioned in the article. All important facts need to be in the article and they need to have citations immediately after them.
 * This ALT1 hook is 133 characters (each visible letter, space and punctuation = 1 character) and ALT2 has 115. On the whole, shorter is better. You want to sell here and you competition and little time, so your hook needs to have "punch" as well as convey details.
 * ALT1: ... that Hawaiian chief Boki accused Queen Kaʻahumanu of scheming to place her adoptive son, David Kamehameha, on the Hawaiian throne?
 * ALT2: ... that Hawaiian prince David Kamehameha died when he was a small child, but already had sparked a near-rebellion?
 * — Marrante (talk) 13:14, 14 November 2011 (UTC)
 * I added the translation of hanai in the article. It's "the young king's guardian Boki, the royal governor of Oahu"; it's his name not a translation plus it is linked to his article. Also I support you first suggested hook.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 03:57, 17 November 2011 (UTC)
 * I have gone into the article and added the commas that were missing, plus fixed a few typos and in two cases, changed the word order for better flow and clarity. Unlike the casual writing of a post, which is often written on the fly, the writing in an article should be correctly punctuated. Commas are often not employed correctly on WP. They are needed to separate clauses from one another, which helps the reader understand the information being conveyed. (This is especially helpful to the non-native reader.) For example, a sentence where the time comes out of order, such as "I wrote this yesterday" becomes "Yesterday, I wrote this yesterday." You also need them when you insert a name into a sentence, such as in "He gave it to his mother and his father." When you add the names, it becomes "He gave it to his mother, Mary, and his father, David." One of the uses of the semicolon is to clarify where the breaks are in a long list, where the particulars of the list also require commas. I think you should get in the habit of proofreading as your last step before nominating on DYK. Some of the things I queried earlier and fixed just now were clearly mistakes that a final look would take care of. These are most efficient if you have a break beforehand (usually a day or two) and the deadlines of DYK don't always permit that, but that's something you can mention in the comment line of the nom form. I nearly always continue working on an article after I've nominated it, sometimes, rather significantly. Returning to the subject of commas, your last post would have been much easier to understand, had you made better use of them.
 * The way I was always taught was that the commas doesn't go there when the nouns is obvious. Like "my second sister Tina brought lunch" versus "my second sister, Tina, brought lunch". Thanks for the grammar lesson.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 09:20, 17 November 2011 (UTC)
 * Symbol confirmed.svg Article is approved, using the ALT1 hook. Marrante (talk) 07:46, 17 November 2011 (UTC)

Hook citation missing page number(s), required for verification. Nikkimaria (talk) 15:03, 17 November 2011 (UTC)
 * Corected it.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:11, 17 November 2011 (UTC)
 * Pictogram voting keep.svg The page numbers are there, but it's one of those books that Google keeps under wraps, so while I was able to enter search words that brought up pages and 218 and 219, I couldn't read enough to verify the hook, so the approval has to be AGF. Marrante (talk) 18:42, 17 November 2011 (UTC)