TimedText:1800THISISLEGAL Recording (Last Week Tonight with John Oliver).ogg.en.srt

1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,000 {Organ Music Playing} Greetings Caller!

2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000 Praise be to you.

3 00:00:04,483 --> 00:00:07,550 You have reached 1 800 THIS IS LEGAL

4 00:00:07,550 --> 00:00:10,050 The official toll free telephone number

5 00:00:10,050 --> 00:00:13,733 for Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption Church

6 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:19,500 This is your pastor, Megareverend, and CEO: John Oliver speaking.

7 00:00:19,533 --> 00:00:22,850 If you are interested in sending us money, praise be...

8 00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:25,900 Please send it to the following address.

9 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:35,700 Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption, P.O. Box 1954 New York, NY 10113

10 00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:38,717 I'll say that again caller, Praise be, praise be.

11 00:00:39,017 --> 00:00:47,100 Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption, P.O. Box 1954 (like the year), New York, NY

12 00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:51,233 Zip code: 10113

13 00:00:51,233 --> 00:00:55,733 Zip code one more time 'cause it's important: 10113

14 00:00:55,733 --> 00:00:57,250 Praise be caller, Praise be.

15 00:00:57,250 --> 00:01:03,200 If you send us money, you will be greeted by many miracles, caller, many miracles.

16 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,683 Our miracles being a term so subjective, it's technically meaningless

17 00:01:05,683 --> 00:01:11,133 And many, being defined for the purpose of this call, as a number that could indeed be zero.

18 00:01:11,133 --> 00:01:14,733 Obviously you do not have to send us money to be a member of this church,

19 00:01:14,733 --> 00:01:19,883 However, if you don't send us money, God will be extremely angry with you.

20 00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:22,433 His words, not mine.

21 00:01:22,433 --> 00:01:25,450 Now, if you're not interested in sending us money right now,

22 00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:28,467 Please get off the phone, and go find somebody who is.

23 00:01:30,250 --> 00:01:32,317 Do it. Do it. Do That.

24 00:01:32,617 --> 00:01:35,867 Get off the phone, Get off the phone right now,

25 00:01:35,867 --> 00:01:38,700 And find someone who is willing to give me money.

26 00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:41,383 Go now. Put the phone down now,

27 00:01:41,383 --> 00:01:44,067 And go get someone with money.

28 00:01:44,417 --> 00:01:45,867 [Increasing in volume] Go do it now.

29 00:01:46,033 --> 00:01:49,233 [Shouting] Get off this phone now, And go find someone

30 00:01:49,517 --> 00:01:50,933 to Give Me Money!!

31 00:01:52,233 --> 00:01:53,267 [Screams] Give me some money!!!

32 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,983 Go find some- [interrupts] I want money!!!!

33 00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:57,800 GIVE ME MONEY!!!

34 00:01:59,717 --> 00:02:00,967 [Resumes calm voice] I'm going to presume

35 00:02:00,967 --> 00:02:02,717 that you are...are doing that?

36 00:02:02,717 --> 00:02:04,350 Praise be caller, Praise be.

37 00:02:05,633 --> 00:02:08,150 Um, one more time with the address, while we’re waiting.

38 00:02:08,150 --> 00:02:16,017 Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption...P.O. Box 1954, New York, NY 10113

39 00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:17,283 [clears throat]

40 00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:21,517 I'm presuming that you are get...Finding someone to uh get me money?

41 00:02:22,950 --> 00:02:24,617 Is there someone with money there?

42 00:02:25,617 --> 00:02:26,183 Hello?

43 00:02:26,650 --> 00:02:28,100 Do you have money? Hello?

44 00:02:28,950 --> 00:02:29,200 No?

45 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:30,783 Well, I'm going to hang up then.

46 00:02:30,783 --> 00:02:32,800 Glory be, yada yada yada, [Screams] SEND ME MONEY!!!!

47 00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:34,300 [Voiceover] The fundraising activities of

48 00:02:34,317 --> 00:02:36,967 Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption are not directed to persons in

49 00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:39,467 Mississippi, Nevada, Pennsylvania, and South Carolina.

50 00:02:39,683 --> 00:02:41,667 Residents of those states may not donate.