User:AllisonStacho/Environmental impacts of animal agriculture/Marissaokum Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

AllisonStacho


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hi Alison!

I think you have made some really great contributions to this article- it is good to see that you will update the current article so it is not only discussing the United States. Some quick feedback notes:

Clarity: The two paragraphs on meat reduction strategies were very clear, concise, and uses very accessible language. This has also been done for the most part in the other two paragraphs, but some sentences could use some additional clarifications. For example, in the first addition paragraph the sentence "... mostly for animal agricultural practices: including animal husbandry, agriculture, slaughtering and processing of meat, fisheries, and other foods." could use some editing. It is not overly clear what is meant by agriculture, nor is it clear what is being referred to by "other foods". I would also say that the ":" is unnecessary in this context. I would also change them to these in the sentence that directly proceeds, or change the wording to more clearly indicate that animal agriculture is responsible for these numbers. I would also make some minor changes to the sentence "... showed excess metal accumulation due to agricultural runoff, the induction  use of pesticides i nto the freshwater streams from the agricultural farms, and poor mitigation efforts to stop the excess runoff from entering freshwater systems " . Again, just removing some unnecessary wording in this sentence will make it clearer and easier to read. I have crossed out the words that I think you can remove. Otherwise, your additions are very clear and the concepts are easy to understand!

Structure: The article seems to flow really well, and your additions feel natural. This is a first draft so you may already be planning this, but I would like to see another example of impacts on ecosystems (ie impacts on grasslands) and another example of a solution (ie nature-based farming, creation of ecosystem services on marginalized lands, etc) to really round out the article.

Balanced Coverage: Again, I was happy to see the diversity of countries that you added information from- it is so important to not just focus on the United States! I think adding in some information on what mitigation efforts some farmers are taking would add some more balance to the article.

Neutrality: You did an excellent job staying neutral- I like how you presented the "negative" impacts of farming on the environment by focusing solely on the facts (ie noting that levels of Cr was 181.5X recommended guidelines). You managed to present these facts of environmental harm, without sounding like you were siding against the agricultural community. Again, it might be a good idea to also discuss what farmers are doing to combat these negative impacts.

Sources: Your sources were relevant and of high quality.

Suggestions for Improvement: I have made several suggestions above that I recommend you consider/look over. Overall, I think you added some great additions and I love that the article now has information from other parts of the world. I look forward to reading the final product!