User:Arkpear12/Sande society/Max41022 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Arkpear12


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Arkpear12/Sande society


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Sande society

Response
Thanks Max for the feedback! Some of the feedback about style (such as bolding) has to do with me just showing distinctions between my edits and the original article so I will definitely get rid of the unnecessary bolded sections in my final draft. I also completely agree with you about not citing everything at the end of paragraphs and citing more consistently throughout. Some of your suggestions (such as no citations in the masking section) are in reference to parts of the original page I didn't write and don't have a keen interest in researching so I think I may leave those sections how they were, as my intent isn't to edit the original page but rather to bolster it. I will take all your suggestions about lead, content, balance, and organization and break up some of my longer quotes. Some of your comments about tone and balance are in reference to the original article. I'm again not sure if I want to change the original article, but I do agree it could be strengthened, so I will consider making some of the suggested changes to the original piece. Thank you again for your help!!

Evaluate the drafted changes
Overall a great article about an important topic. Big suggestions include checking the bolding and citations throughout (less of the former and more of the latter). Other, more specific suggestions below!

Lead

-Good lead section on Liberia part

-Could add a lead section for the first part?

Content

-Having the large block quote from MacCormack seems like it doesn't have any special phrasing or words that need to be quoted. Perhaps you could rephrase and incorporate the quote elsewhere?

-Not sure why the paragraph starting with "Sande membership and initiation..." is bolded?

-FGM should be written out fully the first time (you do so the 2nd or 3rd time) unless this is done higher up in the article?

-Post initiation education's first sentence is awkward/unclear: not sure what "Sande society initiates, Sierra Leone." means. Same issue in "Return to the Community" section.

-Also not sure why some sentences are bolded in this same section

-Would change roman numerals to numbers in the Political and economic sway of Sande society in Liberia section, also remove bolding in much of this section

Tone and Balance

-Tone is overall good and mostly balanced, although there does at times seem to be a tilt against FGM and associated practices, for example MacCormack's view seems to be presented a disproportionately large amount in the article, and one gets the sense that MacCormack opposes the practice or at least presents more information opposing it. For example, the "Post-initiation education" section presents the POV that "the girls' training is more symbolic than utilitarian" but no corollary or opposing view (which I would expect to exist, but I'm not sure)

-Bonding section helps alleviate some of these concerns

Sources and References

-The first three paragraphs contain no references, even if they're the same as the first citation listed after the quote I'd add the reference in earlier as well

-Need citation for last paragraph of "Sequestration and female circumcision" section

-No citations present in "Unique masking traditions in Liberia" section, need to add citations

Organization

Overall good organization and wouldn't change much

-Under the "Alternating roles of the Sande and Poro societies" section would break it up into two after the second paragraph as they address very different topics.

-The Veronika Fuest quote in the "Political and economic sway of Sande society in Liberia" section is certainly too long to include without any commentary or breaking it up