User:Attackoftheshow/ScriptArchive1

Your Six Items for Attack of the Show! (9/16)

 * 1) PSP Firmware Review
 * 2) toothpaste for dinner
 * 3) Levitated
 * 4) GEOWeasel
 * 5) What to do with snail mail spammers
 * 6) Jack Thompson Tried To Arrest My Boss

Option 1
KEVIN and SARAH are seated at their desks. They are back to back. Both are wearing headphones, oblivious to what the other is doing.

KEVIN leans back to yawn and stretch. In doing so, he accidentally hits SARAH in the back of the head.

SARAH: (annoyed) Watch it.

KEVIN doesn’t hear her. SARAH turns around and taps KEVIN on the shoulder.

KEVIN: (removing headphones) What?

SARAH: Watch it.

KEVIN: Watch what?

SARAH: Your hands.

KEVIN: Where are they going?

SARAH: No…you hit me on the head. Watch it next time.

KEVIN: I didn’t realize I hit you.

SARAH: Well, you did and im Pissed as a fart.

KEVIN: I’m sorry…(exasperated)…Jesus…

As he says this, OFFICE JESUS appears.

OFFICE JESUS: OMG! OMG! LUELinks PWN your soul!!11!!!1!

SARAH, KEVIN, and OFFICE JESUS all laugh a big, hearty, cheesy “end of a sitcom” laugh. We freeze frame on them.

THE END.

Option 2
The intro to Super Ghouls and Ghosts as done by Office Jesus, Johnny Xtreme, and Sarah Lane.

Or the intro to Castlevania: Symphony of the Night as done by Office Jesus and an intern. And if all else fails make Brendan Moran wear red converse sneakers and yell "Kiss my converse!" -softpinkbass

THEN SCREAM RANGER DANGER FOR 30 SECONDS!!! THEN SOMEONE HOMEROW HIM!!!

Option 3
HERE IT IS Kevin will roll out in the beginning on rollerskates, while sarah on the couch will be on her cellphone talking to Brendan, whos right next to her. Jeff will be eating a turkey sandwich. Chris gore will have a top hat on.

30second skit: if life were katamari damacy......

the paper model of the prince will be rolling up things on his katamari, while kevin and sarah try to stop it. it takes kevin's phone, sarah's gameboy, brendan's keyboard and mouse, etc. eventually the prince will get kevin and sarah will scream"noooooooooooooo" and kevin get taken away very dramatically.

alex shannon

Option 4
The 30 Second Skit.

Drunk Vader: Woo-hoo... I'm drunk...

Office Jesus: *Boredly* Mmm...Homerowed... Drunk Vader: Mm..Mm...I'm not drunk! Office Jesus: Oops...
 * hits Drunk Vader in the head, Drunk Vader gets knocked out, then wakes up*
 * collages of Drunk Vader being happy around the offices, while running around, being happy, he gets hit in the head by a keyboard, held by Office Jesus*
 * Goes back to Drunk Vader, being drunk, and hitting on women.*

by katakoon

Option 5
KEVIN and SARAH are seated at their desks. They are back to back. Both are wearing headphones, oblivious to what the other is doing.

KEVIN leans back to yawn and stretch. In doing so, he accidentally hits SARAH in the back of the head.

SARAH: (annoyed) Watch it.

KEVIN doesn’t hear her. SARAH turns around and taps KEVIN on the shoulder.

KEVIN: (removing headphones) What?

SARAH: Watch it.

KEVIN: Watch what?

SARAH: Your hands.

KEVIN: Where are they going?

SARAH: No…you hit me on the head. Watch it next time.

KEVIN: I didn’t realize I hit you.

SARAH: Well, you did.

KEVIN: Hello and welcome to Attack of the Show! Today we'll be toaster oven eating traffic cone smacks around Tony Blair in peticoats! Cheese grating Dumpster mayhem, much yes, press blender button to facilitate? ERROR IN KERNEL32.EXE. KEVIN.EXE NOT RESPONDING."

SARAH: Ctrl+alt+delete, Kevin!

KEVIN: Midgets hide inside Bill Clinton's saxophone wondering in what direction is the nearest toilet...SYNTAX ERROR!

SARAH: Ctrl+alt+delete!

KEVIN: Ctrl+alt+delete again will restart your Kevin. You will lose all unsaved---"

SARAH: Ctrl+alt+delete!

Kevin is silent.

Sarah pushes Kevin over.

--Toothpaste

Option 6
The Black Scar of Page Vandalism Scoured 'The Show's' wikipedia profile and so sat the once great Kevin.

Kevin stood in a daze as the black smoke of nothingness engulfed him....."NOOOOOOOO!!!" He cried "It can't be over not since we got this really cool name NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

and As he Cried a great flash of light came forth and before him stood Brendan, who of course "IS THE BEST!!"

"I'm The Best!!! Oh and by the way...YOU KEVIN MUST RETURN THE LUSTER TOO 'THE SHOW'!!!" Brendan Cried boomingly "I went a little Ape on the set so you need to go find everything."

"But how its all lost FOREVERRRRRRRR!!!!!" Kevin cried as he bawled in his Tight Jinx tshirt "Oh here use this" and from Brendan great hands came the Bright light, the saving light that is The Katamari.

"I understand!!! I UNDERSTAAAAAAAND!!!!" Screamed Kevin "Well. Go." pushed Brendan, "I need my paycheck too."

As Kevin began to roll The one Katamari, It began to Grow and Grow with all the things 'The Show' needed. Computers, monitors, Neat photoshop graphics, interns and even a special Guest or two.

Tonight on Attack of the Show we have Jimmy Wales and a batch of Other interesting goodies to give to you including a 5 minute look at The Greatest band of All time Three Happenin' guys.

(A thirty or so second show intro By Zachary Travis a.k.a GreatGlorf)

Option 7
No More Kevin

Characters: Sarah, Kevin, Office Jesus, Ratty (if possibile)

Set: Where Office Jesus poured the coffee.

Kevin is eating a birthday cake when Jesus comes in.

JESUS: I want some cake.

KEVIN: No way, get your own.

JESUS: Why not?!

KEVIN: You didn't let me use your blackberry when my wife was in the hospital!

A red filer is put in, dramatic music is played, a thunder effect is used.

KEVIN: Never mind, have the cake, in fact have some coffee, or better yet, have my wallet, anything(while crying).

JESUS: (in a deep scary voice) I will wipe your entrails on my feet, and I will use them as shoes!!!

Kevin suddenly lights on fire and is attacked by ratty (if possible, if not, then a psp), and he disapears. Effects stop and Sarah walks in.

SARAH: Hey, can I have some of that cake.

Effects start again.

Option 8
scene starts with a grainy black and white film showing kevin in an old gangster suit from the 20's. he is sitting in a bar drinking a hard liquor of some sort and is all alone.

kevin: (inner monolouge) If I could go back to that day, I would have given it all up for her.

flashback to "that day", still black and white, not grainy, we see kevin (from a view seeing his face) sitting with a controller in his hand. he is obviosly playing a video game because we seem him grinning, moving his thumbs to press the buttons, and see the glow of the screen on his face.

kevin: (this time he actually speaks) ok, got to kill one more zombie(furiously plays the game) HA! i did it!!!

we then hear from the tv the voice of a female from the game

female: thank you, you saved me from the zombies, i am yours forever.

game voiceovering narrator: press "a" to initiate hot tea minigame

at this moment, we see kevin's thumb about to press with anticipation of the upcoming minigame filled with sex, when suddenly his girlfriend enters the room(in lingerie) and unplugs the video game, making the glow disappear(yes, kevin has a girlfriend in this scene).

kevin: NO!! I was just about to...beat the game(in a questioning voice because he didn't want to say "have sex with a game character)!

girlfriend: come on kevin, dont you want to come to bed?

kevin: (in a huff and upset) ok fine...

back to kevin in the bar, and grainy again.

kevin: (back to inner monologue) i'm so glad i broke up with my girlfriend, because now i can play hot tea all the time. (now speaking) What the hell am i doing here? i have to get back to my woman! here i come hot tea!!

Option 9
InnerLogic Skit idea #343252356236236 (and I hope the spelling is right, if it's not... sorry :-D)

Open in on restaurant, Kevin P. is sitting down at a table having a drink, a person from behind taps his shoulder.

Person: Ah, Kevin?

Kevin turns around to see a person, staring intently on him.

Kevin: Um... Can I help you?

Person: Yeah man, I'm a huge fan of Attack of the show, Can you sign this for me man?

Kevin: Sure.

Kevin signs the paper.

Person: Cool man, thanks alot, I love the show!

Kevin: Alright, no problem...

The person runs out of the room with glee, Kevin gets up, puts some money on the table to pay the bill and leaves. As he walks out, he is apporched by

another person.

Person 2: Kevin! Hold up!

Kevin: Hey, ah, what do ya want?

Person 2: Man, I just gotta tell ya, I watch your show all time man! That Sarah, man, I would ta bend her, ah, you know what I mean man, he he ha!

Kevin: Right man, whatever, listen I gotta go, I gotta get to the morning meeting and... (Gets cut off by Person 2)

Person 2: The Morning meeting! Oh man can I go with you! I really wanna see what makes your show tick man you know!

Kevin: Listen, you can't, I gotta go now.

Kevin walks away, Person 2 follows right behind.

Person 2: Hey man, Come back! I gotta talk to you man!

Kevin starts to walk faster, Person 2 keeps up

Person 2:I'll get you a drink man, i'll get you a drink. Margarita Friday man WOOOO!

Kevin starts to run, Person 2 goes right after him.

Kevin: Get away from me!

As Kevin and Person 2 run past a group of younger kids playing a random monster card game on the street corner, The kids see him.

Kid one: (Looks up to see kevin) Hey guys... ain't that Kevin from That G4 show?

Kid two: Yeah, I think so man, that guy is so dumb on that show

Kid one: Yeah, I was in the forums flaming him the other day

Kid two: Dude, lets get him.

Kid one: Damn right man, Lets go!

The group of kids start to run after Kevin.

Cut to: Side view of Sarah outside of a "Well known" coffee shop. She is sipping her cup of coffee while on her laptop. In the background, we can see Kevin and group of people going after him get closer and closer. Then pull back to straight view of Sarah, the coffee shop and the sidewalk, Kevin and the group of people go runing past her, as Kevin goes past them, he screams "Sarah help!", a few seconds later Person 2 runs into view yelling "Come back!", a few seconds after the group of kids run past screaming "Get him!", one holding a plastic sword in the air. Cut back to Side view of Sarah,

Sarah: Thats what he gets for being the host... (Yelling off camera) Hey, monkey boy! Get me more coffee!

End.

Option 10
When Sarah starts to talk about the news of the day, she starts to talk about telemarketers slumping to low, low levels such as showing up on online console games. Goes to a scene of sacom 2 where a team finds out that one of the members is a telemarketer trying to sell penis enlargement pills. Then it goes back to Sarah to which she goes on to say that gamers are starting to fight back against the new comers. Another scene goes to halo to a person trying to give out free hemorrhoid cream, to which it goes back to Sarah saying that death match is now being called get the hell away from me, goes back to players talking a bunch of telemarketer nonsense being killed over and over again in death match.

do with this skit what you want, just mention my name. written by bobby davis of vicksburg, mississippi

Option 11
SKIT FOR WIKIPEDIA EDITION OF AOTS

"OFFICE JESUS HITS ON SARAH LANE"

Sarah is at her cubicle, searching for the latest "gems" and various things that are damn good, when Office Jesus suddenly appears behind her. Jesus is looming over Miss Lane; his evil smirk reveals his intentions to extend the holy spirit to Sarah, and he will not be denied.

Startled, Sarah turns to Jesus with a less-than-warm welcoming.

Sarah: What do you want? Jesus: (still smirking, his replies as if Barry White(RIP)was his dating coach) Office Jesus likes what he sees. And what Jesus likes, Jesus gets.

Sarah: (visibly offended) How about getting lost? And shave that dead muskrat on your chin while you're at it.

Jesus: Oooh. Spicy. Not the Mary Magdeline type, huh? Ever had a man turn water to '93 Cabernet Sauvignon?

Sarah: Security! Jesus: (still unfazed) You want to play hard to get. I'll give you some time. Just know that being in the position I am, I have been endowed with many gifts...well endowed.

Sarah: (pissed off) That's it!

Sara digs in one of her desk drawers and pulls out a can labeled "Office Jesus Repellent". Jesus sees his crytonite and now knows that his time to depart has arrived.

Jesus: Toodles.

By the time Sarah turns to spray, Jesus is gone. A female coworker passes by.

Female coworker: Who was that? Sarah: Jesus. Female coworker: You always get the good ones!

Suddenly Jesus reappears, and puts his arm around the coworker.

Jesus(with Barry white smoothness) Hey. Coworker: (caught in his rapture) Hey.

They both walk away. And as Sarah shakes her head in disgust, Jesus shoots a look back at her with a smirk that could kill a kitten. (Since we all know Sarah loves kittens).

END OF SKIT WRITTEN BY EVAN FRANK (whyz77@yahoo.com)

Option 12
VNC”H” (virtual network computing for Humans)


 * (Kevin sits down at computer and opens a mysterious cd case with a cd labeled VNC”H”)
 * (Looks around and pops into the cd*rom dive)
 * (pulls up program, (use vnc page) )
 * (types in “name of inter he wants to control (guy) )
 * (sarah sits down)
 * Sarah: What are you doing?
 * Kevin: SHHH sit down and watch.
 * (Kevin brings up a command prompt page and types) “walk into women’s bathroom”
 * (show intern walking into women’s bathroom full of women, washing hands, talking, putting on      makeup, etc…) In FIRST PERSON
 * (Show Kevin watching fp on a window in his computer)
 * (Show Kevin typing in command prompt) “remove cloths”
 * (Show intern from waste up with shirt off giving the elusion of nakedness)
 * (Show reaction of women in bathroom)
 * (Switch to Kevin and Sarah watching it on computer)
 * (Women have shock at first and the OH like the good OH from women)
 * (Show Kevin and Sarah laughing histaricly)
 * Kevin: (Screams manly while laughing) “VNC”H” owns you”
 * (In the middle of the scene Screen pops up with picture of Jack Thomson and Hilary Cliton in a don’t do that pose prefferable with fingers out like you would do to a puppy who poops on a rug)
 * (Screen says “ This video is not approved and has been interrupted by the PWHFIVG (people who hate freedom in video games)”
 * (After that screen have one of those thousand extra “edited by Steve screen just to rub it in to the guy who created the thread in the forum”)

Script by FEE_nhiks (fee_nhiks@yahoo.com)

Option 13
Kevin is playing battlefield 2. Then he gets a lightbulb above his head. He dresses up in army gear and grabs the mouse. He does some rolls and sneaking around until he sees someone. Then he aims the mouse and acts like hes shooting them and they go down. Then Kevin exclaims "Yes! Headshot"! Then he goes on to do this to a few other co-workers yelling other exclamations. Then he goes up to a wall and when he jumps around it so does Sarah and Sarah is wearing army gear too like she was playing battlefield too. When he sees Sarah and he stops and smiles and tender loving music plays. Then Sarah knifes him and he falls to the floor and cries while he is dieing (dieing?). I would want to see Kevin cry after the love of his life killed him.

Option 14
The scene opens with a shot of a persons feet strutting down a sidewalk. Just like in Saturday Night Fever. With maybe some cheesy rip off sounding music.

The camera slowly pans up. And Lo and behold it's the Sixteenth President of the United States Of America Abraham Lincoln.

Lincoln is headed to the Theater.

Lincoln walks into the lobby and buys some popcorn and stuff. He heads into the Theater. Sits down and starts to watch the movie.

Outside we see John Wilkes Booth. He is sneaking into the theater through an emergency exit, which some people have just left the theater from.

Inside, Abraham Lincoln, is enjoying the movie and eating popcorn.

John Wilkes Booth slides up from behind Abraham Lincoln, and Home rows him. John Wilkes Booth exclaims 'HOMEROW'D!'

End.

script by Shu(shuyux@aol.com)

Option 15
Wesley Crusher goes into the Holodeck and opens his favorite program

A holographic Counselor Troi dressed as a Playboy bunny appears

Just as he's about to kiss her the real Counselor Troi walks in.

"You've got some explaining to do, Mr. Crusher."

Fade to black.

If at all possible have Will Wheaton play Wesley Crusher and get a look-alike for Troi.

Option 16
FADE IN:

INT. ATTACK OF THE SHOW SET - DAY

KEVIN and BRENDAN are sitting on the trademark red couch. A bottle of vodka and 6 filled shot glasses sit on the coffee table in front of them.

KEVIN Bet I could drink more shots in         15 seconds then you.

Brendan picks up one of the shot glasses.

BRENDAN Oh, you're on!

Like a machine Brendan grabs one shot glass after the other, gulping them down.

KEVIN Time! That was 6 shots.

INT. ATTACK OF THE SHOW SET - MOMENTS LATER

All the shot glasses have been refilled.

BRENDAN (slightly drunk) Ready, get set, go.

Kevin empties the shot glass into his mouth but sprays it out right back out.

KEVIN (throat horse) Water.

A LAUGH TRACK plays in the background as we ZOOM OUT.

CUT TO BLACK

Script by Matthew Long (jrtman@seekstorm.com)

Option 17
office Jesus vs drunk Vader

both enter room street fighter style.

office Jesus uses the home rowed attack.

vader blokes with openly drunk shield

vader uses keg saber Jesus parts the saber.

OJ then calls in perrea with a decoy attack where Keven stands confused takes damage from vader.

fight ends when vader takes an hit from the office god.

cue fatality effect

fin.

Sarah, realizes she is the one redeeming hope for the show, and tru !Magic transforms the show into a truly informative and worthy show;therefore, all changes no Office Jesus at all, nor drunk vader, all this childish junk is scrapped and a mature,and interesting, intelligent, intertaining and truly inspiring show is done. The audience both in on the set and at home give a cheering standing ovation!

Option 18
Resident Evil: AOTS

W/Zombie Brendan, Drunk Vader, and lots of interns.

Kevin, Sarah, and O.J. as the heroes.

The building gets nuked at the end.

Option 19
The scenegoes as follows:

Narrator: In A.D. 2101, war was beginning.

Kevin: What happen ? Office Jesus: Somebody set up us the bomb. Sara: We get signal. Kevin: What ! Sara: Main screen turn on. Kevin: It's you !! Drunk Vader: How are you gentlemen !! Drunk Vader: All your base are belong to us. Drunk Vader: You are on the way to destruction. Kevin: What you say !! Drunk Vader: You have no chance to survive make your time. Drunk Vader: Ha Ha Ha Ha ....   Sara: Captain !! Kevin: Take off every 'Zig'!! Kevin: You know what you doing. Kevin: Move 'Zig'. Kevin: For great justice.

Aaron(uschamp@aol.com)

Option 20
Movie Trailer: "In a world ... not too long from now ... where DRM is mandatory ... and all P2P and copying is banned upon penalty of death ... where copyright is enforceable for 1000 years and everything in public domain has been reclaimed by corporations ... One woman, and her crack squad of geek operatives, are trying to make the world safe once again for music ... SARAH LANE ... starring in [title of movie here, suggestions please]"

(Scenes of Sarah, peering around corners in a bombed-out world, like John Connor's forces at the beginning of T2 ...) (feel free to add ideas from here ...) Brykmantra