User:BKilkenny/Athlete activism in the United States/CAPam30 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

BKilkenny - Blake Kilkenny


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:BKilkenny/Athlete_activism_in_the_United_States?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Athlete activism in the United States

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

Lead
Based on the style of the lead, I don't think you need to change anything in it to talk specifically about the sub-section you will be adding. However, I do think that the lead could give a more direct introduction to what the article actually contains, specifically mentioning the sports or subsections that it has. It does not give you much direction as to what will be included in the article, it mainly gives an introduction to the field in general (which is appropriate, but needs more specificity as to the article specifically).

Content
The content you are adding is great and appropriate. I think you do a good job of keeping a broad approach to activism within the NHL, instead of focusing on individual cases. I do think adding a specific example would be helpful to add to the substance of your content, but overall you've done a good job. I would suggest making sure you have more references and official citations to ensure validity of your content. It is all also up to date and from a good, neutral perspective.

Tone & Balance
As mentioned, you do a good job of keeping a neutral tone without suggesting positive or negative bias toward the topic. It is stated merely as a report on what's happening, which is most appropriate. The other content in the rest of the article however contains more of this bias and not-so-neutral tone, which could use some restructuring to not display any kind of tone. Your material is great though.

Sources & References
This is where I would make the biggest suggestion for your material. I think you have some good stuff, but it needs more citation and reference to examples and reviews on the topic. There's only one reference listed, and on the official article it will need to be included using the actual citation machine. Obviously you're more just explaining a story of a kind, but there needs to be direct references to news outlets or other reviews to help validate your story.

Organization
Your material is well organized and follows the organizational structure of the main article. I might suggest breaking up some of your longer sentences into smaller phrases, just to help with the fluidity and grammar. I think the main article is organized fine, though it could separate the body into more sections, such as dividing the sports leagues and the common activism topics. Such as grouping the NFL, NBA, NHL, Olympics, etc, and then in another section include the feminism and maybe social media sections.

Overall Impressions

I think the content you will add is totally appropriate and fits well with the current article. It is written in a natural tone while being concise and direct with its message. I would really only suggest finding more sources and reliable and applicable references to add to the section. This will help in making your material more reliable.