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Pope Dave Hughes I
Pope Dave Hughes I was elected Pope by the College of Cardinals and Chuck Norris on 12th February 2013 after the Residing Pope, Pope Benedict XVI resigned citing irreconcilable differences with management. he was the first elected Pope to resign in 500 years (after Pope Ringo George II was removed from power by Yoko Ono in 1977). He was unveiled by the newly renamed Twat and Dick, formally popular ITV presenters famous for broadcasting tools pissing about in a fake jungle set in a bid to squeeze enough money from the general public to afford 1 last VD ridden prozzie and go out in a blaze of fag ends, shame and ruined dreams

Early Life
Dave Hughes was born on Friday 13th, 1984 to a simple family from Herefordshire, England (or Wales to geographical failures). Raised as a bare knuckle Ninja Pirate, Dave became Defender of Herefordshire at the age of 4 after depriving members of the House Leominster grazing rights in the local McDonalds. Elated with this promotion, Dave shortly after discovered Cheese. According to eyewitness accounts Dave distinguished himself in the field of Cakeism, the scientific mastery of all things Cake related and used this to good effect whilst taking part in 'The Great British Bake Off' aged 5, where he swept away all competition before him, including Pat Sharp, Dame Judi Dench, Moses and Billy Ocean with his currently unsurpassed version of 'Beans a la Toaste avec l'eau'. Billy Ocean came 2nd with his classic 'Love Really Hurts Without Stew'

At aged 7 Dave Hughes was said to be first contacted by 'A Higher Power' and went about removing the middle of Polo Mints, transforming the failing companies fortunes in the Process. During this time Dave aided George Lucas in removing a Gungan related story line from the drafted version of Star Wars: A New Hope and simultaneously opening up a Star Trek 'Captain Kirk Uniform Repair' Boutique, turning over $30m USD from Series 1 alone.

In 1994 at aged 10 Dave Hughes mysteriously disappeared from public life. Until recently his whereabouts were unknown until Scientists and Cryptographers discovered runes dating to that time period drawn by Tibetan Monks in red crayon, and therefore truthful, implicating a sacred ritual that potentially destined Dave for even greater feats of Greatness. Great Scott!. Primitive drawings reveal an in depth network of supposed lessons Dave undertook under the tutorlage of 'The Hold Trinity'. This sacred Threesome, made up of Chuck Norris, Barry from Eastenders and Master Yoda, taught Dave the ways of the Force, how to character act in any given situation and how to defeat all evil using a roundhouse kick and a well timed quip. This training would take Dave 18 years to complete, leading to the election of Dave to Pope Dave Hughes I.

Election As Pope
After Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, Dave Hughes answered God's email and ultimately put his hat in the running for Pope. There were initially 3 other suitable candidates put forwards by the Catholic Church. Sadly however, all 3 were involved in a series of 'Terrible Fatal Accidents' and withdrew their candidacy'. To this day, Police and Forensic detectives are baffled how Cardinal Christophe L'Ordan swallowed a 'Limited Edition Epiphone Joe Perry Signature Boneyard Guitar' whole. How Cardinal Mikael Schmelz managed to trip, fall and fit into a faulty sandwich toaster and how Cardinal Rodrigo Jiminez drowned in the Sahara Desert while on an Expedition to uncover the missing member of Hanson. Penguin tracks were found at each crime scene but no arrests have been made yet.

These tragedies however were offset by the rise to power of Pope Dave Hughes, elected by an overwhelming majority in the 1st Ballot. Chuck Norris, newly elected Cardinal Ass Kicker, nominated and Seconded Dave Hughes' raising to Pope. Dave took possession of the 'Ring Of the Fisherman' and the previously thought lost (and unheard of) 'Muffin of Chocolate' later that day unopposed.

First Acts As Pope Dave Hughes I
On St Valentines Day, traditionally 14th February, Pope Dave proclaimed himself 'Chief Overseer of Catholicism' bringing in a new age of Catholic Tyranny. Pope Dave also officially decreed any idiot sending anonymous messages to a young lady to be officially known as stalking, as it is on any other day of the year. A full list of Acts passed include the following rather shocking and downright non cricket acts such as:

The Bieber Act: proclaiming anyone Bieber inclined, looking, suspected or otherwise to be immediately and without remorse (or trial) sentenced to Death. The punishment, Pope Dave and his Katana of pointyness was to be brutal, resulting in the successful cleansing of millions. An appeal process was later bought in allowing relatives to appeal the judgement 7 days after execution. Currently 0 appeals have been successful.

The Old Trafford Act: This act made it law for all referees to immediately and with haste order a penalty to the away side at Old Trafford, home of the newly renamed Poo-chester United, for all infringements committed by ANY side during a routine game of football. This would prove to be one of the most celebrated acts Dave Hughes would bring to the World.

Other Bans and Illegal activities but not in any way less naughty. It is now considered Illegal and therefore outright prohibited to do any of the following, Call a Jaffa Cake a cake, propose a game of charades, move a pawn first in chess, use a cheese knife to clean your nails, sing in the rain, punch a panda, rub batteries to prolong their life, change a printer ink cartridge before its 100% empty, be male and dance without accusing looks, order a skinny late, call yourself, friends, family, strangers or any children you inherit Derek, socially accept a ginger person, say "i'd love to go there" when watching Natural World programming, say "it's too hot" during a British Summer, accept reality TV, buy cheap sellotape and complain about the quality, order indian food if you cannot correctly pronounce your choice without putting on an accent, listen to Pop, RnB, Dance or Trance music, read anti papal wikipedia's, dive in football, swear at a toad, pour glitter in a river, buy your round in Wetherspoons when part of a group, book for Spinning and not turn up, grind your gears when changing up in town, play golf...anywhere, wear a wig, wear crocs, wear dugarees, wear a topless baseball cap, acknowledge France, spam Iron Dagger's in Skyrim, leave empty carafes on a worksurface used for serving customers, NOT put cream in a cake, allow rappers to use anything other than their birth names, park like a twat, fake laugh at 'Friends', read BBC news top stories and make out you are a political and social whizz, use the internet for your arguments and claim them your own, let Nani walk off a football pitch and finally remove all footwear before entering a carpeted abode.

Banning of 'That Stuff'
Hughes has been universally praised for banning outright 'That stuff' which has plagued the Catholic Church for decades, casting a dark cloud over the meaningless religion. Contrary to popular belief, Hughes confirmed 'That Stuff' isn't 'Worship' or 'Religion', but 'The other one, you know, the bad one'

Praise for Pope Dave Hughes I
So far there has been universal praise' for Pope Dave's regime, despite knocking down the Sistine Chapel to get a better Sky TV reception. Hughes has also been lauded for repainting St Peter's Basilica citing the previous decorators 'limited ability to draw anything other than angels and shit'.