User:Bharp14/User:Bharp14/sandbox/JackHUC Peer Review

General info
Bharp14
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing:User:Bharp14/sandbox
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists):Oral hygiene

Evaluate the drafted changes.
Peer Review from JackHUC

Lead in
First off, the article is generally well written, I can understand the information being presented the vast majority of the time. The quality and detail of the information are impressive and show you've done a great deal of research. The information presented in the first section "How Mental Illness Affects Our Oral Hygiene in Healthcare:" was particularly detailed and at times became slightly confusing due to the sheer amount of text it contained. I would try to condense the text slightly, or, if condensing is not possible, maybe break it into two separate paragraphs.

The second section, "How Mental Illness Affects Our Oral Hygiene in Communities:" was clearly the weakest of all the sections. this was due to it being by far the shortest of all of them, containing as single source compared to sections 1, and 3 which had 4 and 5 sources respectively. I'm assuming your already working on finding more information for this section.

I would also change the wording of certain sentences in section 3 "How are Mental Illness and Oral Hygiene related:", particularly sentence six with its mention of Dental Phobia. I could not immediately understand what exactly you ment by dental phobia, I would use the scientific name, Dentophobia and explain the basics of the fear it represents. The most important thing to fix in this article it that because of the amount of information being presented, it can become confusing at times.

Seeing this makes me think how I could improve the presentation of the information in my article, particularly the presentation of the various plans and backup plans for Operation London Bridge.

Lead Section
The leading sentences you used for your sections were generally well structured, I would say the first section "How Mental Illness Affects Our Oral Hygiene in Healthcare:" was the weakest, as I feel it doesn't accurately represent the results of the data. The data merely shows that people in low-income areas as well as people with mental illnesses generally have worse dental hygiene, this does not reflect the leading sentence where you state, "Many individuals who went to the dentist suffering from mental health disorders felt that they were treated differently, unfairly, and judged by the dentist." while I'm sure this quote is rooted in truth, it does not reflect the subject of the section.

Structure
The sections are well structured and have a natural flow that is easy to follow, even when information is difficult to understand, its relation to the previous sentences is clear (the one exception being the leading sentence for section 1). once again, section two is the weakest of the three due to its length.