User:Bob rulz/quotes

This is a big page of quotes that I particularly like, and it will be continuially expanding. I will start with quotes I find by Wikipedia people, whether ironic or funny.

Season 1
Episode 2


 * (Sarge introducing the Warthog)
 * Sarge: I like to call it the Warthog.
 * Simmons: Why Warthog sir?
 * Sarge: Because M-12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation son.
 * Griff: No, but, why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.
 * Sarge: Say that again?
 * Griff: I think it looks a little more like a puma.
 * Sarge: What in sam hell is a puma?
 * Simmons: Uh...you mean like the shoe company?
 * Griff: No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.
 * Sarge: You're makin' that up.
 * Griff: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!
 * Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Griff's next meal.
 * Simmons: Yes sir!
 * Sarge: Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
 * Griff: A walrus.
 * Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop makin' up animals!?

Episode 5


 * (after Church misses with sniper rifle)
 * Church: Okay, that's it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker will head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.
 * Caboose: Right.
 * Church: Tucker, you ready? Let's go.
 * Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.
 * Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?
 * Tucker: I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?
 * Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?
 * Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
 * Church: Yeah, and? So what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
 * Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered with black stuff.
 * Church: Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then. You're afraid of a little black stuff.
 * Tucker: Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.
 * Church: (pointing the gun at Tucker) Tucker, I'd almost hate to do this to you.
 * Tucker: You wouldn't.
 * Church: You know, I look at it this way. Either A, we go through there, and get the flag back, or B, we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.
 * Tucker: For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people.
 * Church: Duly noted. Now get in there.
 * Tucker: Crap! Alright...one...two...(goes into teleporter)
 * (jumps between base and teleporter. Tucker doesn't come out the other side)
 * Caboose: Huh...he didn't come out the other side.
 * Church: Yeah...I've uh, I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

Episode 6


 * (after Tucker comes out of the teleporter)
 * Tucker: Freeze Sarge!
 * Donut: Why does everyone keep calling me a Sergeant? I'm still just a Private!
 * Tucker: The Sarge is still a private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time! Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And we get this new jeep, and I'm all like "there is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"
 * Church: Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?

Episode 7


 * (Caboose is driving tank and lodges it on a rock)
 * Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M-808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.
 * Caboose: (to tank) No! No, wait, go back! (to self) Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?
 * (at the end)
 * Announcer: Next week, on Red versus Blue. You've watched them for seven episodes. But next week, the unthinkable. Someone (shows Griff), will (shows Griff), die (shows Griff).
 * Sarge: I sure do hope it's Griff.

Episode 8


 * (after Caboose accidentally shoots Church)
 * Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me! Church! (yells to Caboose) You killed Church you team-killing fucktard!
 * Church: Tucker! Tucker!
 * Tucker: Church! It's going to be okay man!
 * Church: No...I'm...I'm...uh...I'm not gonna make it. Tucker...there's something I need to tell you.
 * Tucker: What is it?
 * Church: I just want you to know...I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
 * Tucker: Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die you prick.
 * Church: Okay. Hurgh...blah. (dies)

Episode 10


 * Tucker: Hello, command! We need help!
 * Blue Command: Roger that Blood Gulch, what is your request?
 * Tucker: I don't know what the technical military term for it is, but, uh...we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men.
 * Blue Command: Dude, how long have you guys been down there?
 * Tucker: No no no no, not, not like that. We need more men to help us.
 * Blue Command: Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?
 * Tucker: Yeah...that got blown up too.
 * Blue Command: Wow, sucks to be you.
 * Tucker: Yeah, we know.
 * Blue Command: Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I –
 * Tucker: Sixteen days!? That's almost two weeks!
 * Blue Command: Or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours.
 * Caboose: I like the in an hour one.
 * Tucker: Yeah, me too. Roger that Command, we prefer the quicker solution.
 * Blue Command: Ten-four Blood Gulch. We will contact Freelancer Tex, and have him there post-haste. Command out.
 * Tucker: Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.
 * Caboose: What's a freelancer?
 * Tucker: Freelancers are independent. They're not red or blue. They're just guns for hire for whoever has the most money.
 * Caboose: Like a mercenary!
 * Tucker: Right, or like your mom, when the rent's due.
 * Caboose: Oh, that's funny.
 * Tucker: Yeah, you didn't think that was too obvious?
 * Caboose: No no, not at all, it was good.

Season 2
Episode 35


 * (after Grif's body parts have been replaced with Simmons' and Simmons has been turned into a cyborg. Grif suddenly starts coughing violently)
 * Simmons: Grif, are you alright? Are my lungs okay? Hey, wait a minute, are you smoking inside your helmet again?
 * Grif: What? No! (lets out puff of smoke) Oops.
 * Simmons: Damn it, I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?
 * Grif: None. Okay, five. Or more. Baker's dozen at most.
 * Simmons: Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?
 * Grif: By my count? Forty-eight.

Episode 38


 * (before the planned exchange between Red and Blue in the canyon)
 * Grif: You think they'll show up?
 * Simmons: Well, my gut says no, but then again my gut's made of an advanced polymer, and it doesn't know what the hell it's talking about. Stupid gut.
 * Church: Okay, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
 * Tucker: Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
 * Church: What?
 * Tucker: I'm just saying it doesn't really look like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note.
 * Church: Okay, fine, triangle of confusion, rhombus of terror, parabola of mystery, who cares!? Get the goddamn show on the road!

Season 3
Episode 39


 * (after they all get seperated in the teleporter)
 * Simmons: (on the radio) Sarge, this is Simmons 2.0, do you read me? Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus, which could take me anywhere in the universe...or it's the janitor's closet, hell I don't fucking know.
 * Sarge: I need you see what's in that window.
 * Caboose: That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
 * Sarge: I know. I need you to help me look through it.
 * Caboose: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, and that window is square.

Episode 43


 * (after Tucker goes through the teleporter)
 * Tucker: Ow, crap!
 * Simmons: What's all that black stuff on your armor?
 * Tucker: Just me? What the fuck?
 * Caboose: Tucker! I am so glad to see you! Here, let me help you clean your armor off, by rubbing you all over.

Episode 50


 * (while Church is trying to "fix" the past and after Church, while occupying Sarge's body, knocks out Simmons)
 * Simmons: What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!
 * Church: Yeah, that's great.
 * (knocks out Simmons)
 * Simmons: Ow, jeez, the front of my face!

Video game-related

 * Keza: If you don't like Guitar Hero, you have NO SOUL. - Game Revolution's Top 50 Games of 2006 (don't ask me how it made it on the 2006 list), with Guitar Hero at #1. Puts it simply.
 * To choose games that are clearly going to turn up higher in the list, it's better than Oblivion, it's more innovative than Zelda, it's more violent and beautiful than Gears of War and it's eight hundred times the game than Final Dicking Dipshit Fantasy XII is. - Partial quote of what Kieron said after Company of Heroes only made it to #37 on the Top 50 Games of 2006 list.

The Big Bang Theory

 * Penny: I mean, I lived with this guy for four years! That's like as long as high school!
 * Sheldon: It took you four years to pass high school?!
 * Sheldon: You're not done with her, are you?
 * Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
 * Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.