User:BottleOfFail

I am a bottle of fail.

This means that I fail at everything in life except for failure, in which I happen to be a bottle of pone, the exact opposite of a bottle of fail. Anything I ever say or do will fail miserably, and most likely die. If one happens to drink a bottle of fail, there is no known cure for the epic failures that will be experienced afterwards. The effects of a bottle of fail are permanent. If one drinks a bottle of fail disguised as a bottle of pone and thinks that one has just consumed a bottle of pone, one will almost immediately begin to feel the effects of fail and afterwards, when one has utterly failed at life, one will fail to understand why one is not poneing after drinking a bottle of pone.

=Using a Bottle of Fail= One may ask, what good is a bottle of fail? Though bottles of fail make the user fail at not failing, they can also be used as the ultimate bottle of pone. It is worth noting at this point that bottles of pone are the ultimate drink, in both taste and effect. They are possibly equal to Pan Galatic Gargle Blasters, except that instead of feeling completely burnt out after drinking a Pan Galatic Gargle Blaster, you will feel like a bottle of pone if a bottle of pone could feel. Do not attempt to use the former line as a tongue twister. Bottles of pone make the user pone at life, that is, not fail at anything except failure, which the user of a bottle of pone will instantaneously fail miserably at. Therefore, a bottle of pone is just a smaller dose of a bottle of fail.

As for the uses of a bottle of fail, there are none. Do not attempt to create a bottle of fail, you will fail at doing so. Do not attempt to drink multiple bottles of fail, you will die. Do not mix bottles of fail and bottles of pone together. This is an interesting fact. When one mixes a bottle of fail and a bottle of pone together, which is something that should not under any circumstances be done, one will be teleported into a rip in the fabric of space time. If, at the time, a Confliction Of Bottle Of Pone Drinkers is currently occuring, the Mixer of Bottles will most likely meet them. It is strongly suggested that the Mixer of Bottles(hereon referred to as the "MOB") not interfere with the Confliction of Bottle Of Pone Drinkers, as they will probably be trying to trick each other into drinking a bottle of fail. It is also strongly suggested that the MOB turn his or her face away from the Confliction of Bottle of Pone Drinking Contest, as the first person to drink a bottle of fail will die a gruesome and remorseful death. Afterwards, the fabric of space time will open up and the MOB will be allowed to come out. What makes all of this interesting is that, should the MOB stay inside the fabric of spacetime, the MOB will become immortal, though only inside the space time continuum. Should an immortal MOB step outside of the space time continuum, he or she will die instantaneously. As such, there are many MOB's currently living inside the space time continuum, where the only pastime is to wait for the ever-slim chance that a Confliction of Bottle of Pone Drinkers will arise, thus attracting huge crowds of immortal MOBs to partake in the action.

=Where to Find a Bottle of Fail= If you should ever be in need of a bottle of fail, please go ahead and commit suicide, as drinking fail will only cause your troubles, whatever they may be, to worsen tenfold or more. However, if by reading this article you have developed a tremendous curiosity towards bottles of fail, a soul-gnawing, compelling, unsatiable desire for a bottle of fail, it is not impossible to obtain.

First, you must play basketball with Kobe Bryant one-on-one for two hours, starting exactly when the last ray of sunlight shines between the retired jerseys of Elgin Baylor and Wilt Chamberlain in the Staples Center. It is almost guaranteed that you will fail to win. During the game, you must have a professional cameraman shoot the moment(s) when Kobe posterizes you. Buy the poster. Afterwards, attend college courses at DeVry. Do not go to class. Instead, play World of Warcraft for three straight days without sleep. If, at the end of three days, you are not past level 60, you must start over. Next, develop anorexia nervosa. This should not be hard to do if you are above level 60 on World of Warcraft. After three weeks, stop your anorexia nervosa. Eat a large meal; more than five calories should be enough. If still unable to walk, hobble on crutches to DeVry University and ask for your grading transcript. You will have failed all of your classes at DeVry.

The hard part being over, gather your Kobe Bryant poster, your World of Warcraft disk, and your transcript from DeVry. Using only your hands, fold the poster eight times. With your energy sapped from the bout of anorexia nervosa, you should fail the task. After failing, lay the poster out on a grassy lawn and place the transcript on top. Break your World of Warcraft CD into two halves. Using two branches, concoct a fire underneath your poster. Inhale the fumes until you become unconscious. When you awake, get in your car, drive five miles past the nearest Texaco, and you will see a man in a yellow raincoat named Hank. He will take you to The Lounge.

The Lounge contains two vending machines, both of which have their respective guards. One of the guards always tells the truth, and one always tells lies. Hank will give you one chance to ask one guard a question, and then you must buy from a vending machine. In either case, you will receive a bottle. Be courteous and offer a sip to Hank. Should the bottle be a bottle of fail, Hank will drink from it and then die instantaneously. If Hank is still alive, he will give you a second chance to find the bottle of fail. Hank will lead you to the Room of Bottles, a four-walled room with infinite amounts of bottles hanging from the walls. Small bottles, large bottles, Coke bottles, intricate bottles, baby bottles, broken bottles, every type of bottle will be found here. Again, it is up to you to choose the correct bottle from the wall; there is only one. Success means that you have finally obtained a bottle of fail that you should strongly consider throwing away. Failure deems that you will age horribly in the next few seconds and wither to a painful death.

For an easier way to obtain a bottle of fail, please contact Northview High School in Alpharetta, Georgia. Tell them you want to talk to Freshman Brian Kim, the living bottle of fail. Politely ask Brian Kim to donate a milliliter of any of his bodily fluids. Be sure to dilute this deadly liquid in water(for optimal results, experts recommend using two gallons and a half cup!)