User:Cat2120330347/Medical-industrial complex/NP824 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

CatherineGCC


 * Link to draft you're reviewing

User:CatherineGCC/Medical-industrial complex

Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Medical–industrial complex

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hi CatherineGCC!

I’m really impressed by the extent of research you’ve compiled for this topic, as well as how you’ve integrated the article so thoroughly into the Wikipedia mainspace with links to and from other articles. I also appreciate the simultaneous concision and descriptiveness of your lead section, along with the addition of new images to complement the article’s content.

A simple suggestion is to add some more descriptiveness to the caption of the “Navy Medicine Article” photo, as it is not entirely clear how this publication and its cover connect to the article.

The title of the article is short, simple, and to-the-point. But since the “Within the United States” section of this article is so much more expansive than the “In other countries” section, I’d suggest renaming the entire article to “Medical-Industrial Complex in the United States”. As you mentioned in your contribution summary, it was difficult to find academic research on this subject in the context of other countries. This might suggest a lack of prevalence, and thus notability – which means that renaming the article entirely would do your work more justice.

Additionally, I would suggest trying to copy-edit the tone of your contributions to ensure you take on a neutral point-of-view. Whilst I’m sure much of the existing academic literature points towards the negative effects of the medical-industrial complex, your style of writing comes across as argumentative in some places (as if you are trying to convince the reader that the medical-industrial complex negatively affects patients, as opposed to merely stating the facts of the ways in which patients are harmed by this).

For example:

''“Laboratory tests are also within reach of  pharmaceutical company influence. Physicians  are more likely to order unnecessary tests when they are connected with familiar pharmaceutical companies. [17] Not only this, many companies set these tests at an inflated price in an effort to increase profit. [17]”''

The usage of the “not only this” connective is more stylistically in-line with an argumentative essay, as opposed to an encyclopedic entry.

Other than attending to a few minor grammatical issues, I think these are three changes that would really improve this article. Fantastic work – looking forward to seeing what you do with it!

NP824 (talk) 05:09, 26 October 2022 (UTC)