User:Cessaune/LGBTQ+/EDPRONOUNS

=Original=

Most speakers of English request to be referred to by a given set of third-person pronouns. Sometimes this is referred to as preferred pronouns, but this essay will use the term requested pronouns, since for most people these are more than a preference. Requested pronouns are often thought of as a phenomenon peculiar to the transgender and non-binary communities, but this is not the case; almost all cisgender people request a set of pronouns, explicitly or implicitly—typically he/him for men and she/her for women.

Misgendering is the act of referring to someone as a gender that they are not. One common form of misgendering is doing so by using incorrect pronouns, such as calling someone a he when she requests to be called a she. Again, this is often thought of as an issue that is exclusive to the transgender or non-binary communities, but almost any cisgender woman on the Internet can tell you a time she was called a he.

In most of the world, intentionally misgendering is seen as a serious insult, including in the cultures that most editors of the English Wikipedia come from. In many professional circles, intentionally and maliciously misgendering a person is seen as a serious disciplinary issue. These norms can be surprising for people who are not from these communities, or who came of age before these norms became commonplace.

Misgendering can cause conflict on the English Wikipedia. It is widely accepted that intentionally and maliciously misgendering an editor is generally seen as a severe civility issue, and could lead to a block or other sanctions. That being said, we should understand that misgendering isn't always intentional, and assume good faith at all times unless there is evidence that the misgendering was intentional and, consequently, uncivil and disrespectful.

If you are uncertain as to what the norms are and why they matter, this essay is for you.

Common pronouns
As mentioned above, most men (cisgender and transgender) take he/him pronouns and most women (cisgender and transgender) take she/her pronouns. Many non-binary people take he/him and/or she/her pronouns as well.

By far the most common set of gender-neutral pronouns is they/them. They has been used as a gender-neutral pronoun for centuries for subjects of unknown or undefined gender—for instance, "I don't know who wrote that article, but they're a very gifted writer". The gender-neutral he and the later he/she are significantly newer additions to the English language. Since the 1900s, some non-binary people (and others) have taken to using they as a gender-neutral pronoun specifically for themselves. A number of other gender-neutral third-person pronouns exist; see this list.

Some people take multiple sets of pronouns. The way that this is communicated can be slightly confusing, as, in these cases, the terms are also separated by a slash: [first subject form]/[second subject form]/etc. Thus she/they is an abbreviation of "she/her/hers/herself or they/them/their/theirs/(themself or themselves)". For some people, the sets of pronouns may be ordered from "most preferred" to "least preferred"; for others, there may be equal preference.

Why does it matter?
You probably care about people getting your pronouns right. If you really wouldn't care, that's valid too. Some cisgender people don't feel strong attachments to their genders. In that case, though, you should appreciate that this is something that many people do care about, strongly.

Furthermore, transgender and nonbinary people tend to care about being misgendered more than cisgender people do, because for transgender people, it comes in a context of many other challenges. Being misgendered means that someone does not perceive you as being the gender you have transitioned to, which can be deeply upsetting, and in some cases can be a harbinger of physical danger. For a much milder example, but of a similar nature, imagine getting a promotion at work, but then someone insisting on referring to you by your previous title—except that in this alternate reality, your job is a deeply important part of your identity that you've worked your whole life to assert, and people who are perceived as having the wrong job are often targeted for violent crimes.

Editor-specific practices
There are a number of ways to make sure that you get an editor's pronouns right. Editors can list their pronouns in Special:Preferences. There are a number of ways to access this information, the simplest being they and related templates. For instance,  becomes I like User:Example male. I think they will make a great admin. You can see more information about this at Template:They.

The gadget Navigation popups shows users' pronouns when you hover over their names. User:BrandonXLF/ShowUserGender does the same beside usernames without having to hover. User:PleaseStand/User info shows gender symbols next to users' names on their userpages.

Some editors may not have selected a gender in their preferences (they/them is the default) but may nonetheless have a preference. This may be reflected on their userpage, or by how they refer to themselves in discussions.

Across-the-board practices
You are not under any obligation to figure out people's pronouns. Your obligation, rather, is to not use the wrong pronouns. It is generally not seen as misgendering to adopt a consistent, gender-neutral across-the-board pronoun policy, which you apply to all editors regardless of what they've designated in the software or elsewhere. You should not default to he/him, as it is likely to be taken as misgendering by anyone who does not take those pronouns. Defaulting to he/she or he or she at least avoids misgendering people who take she/her pronouns, but still fails to consider editors who take other pronouns.

The most common all-inclusive approach, rather, is across-the-board they/them pronouns. A minority of editors may avoid third-person pronouns entirely when referring to other editors, or may refer to other editors using less common gender-neutral pronouns like xe/xem. These approaches are generally not perceived as misgendering, since pronoun sets like they/them and xe/xem can refer to unknown or unspecified gender, not just to the pronoun preference of the person being mentioned. However, inconsistently following a personal policy like this (for instance, see below regarding selectively avoiding pronouns) could be taken as misgendering.

While an across-the-board practice is unlikely to offend even users who care strongly about their pronouns, if someone does (politely!) request that you make an exception from your policy and always refer to them by a specific pronoun, you should still make a good-faith effort to do so. Pronouns aren't special in this regard. There are many cases in life where one might have a general policy of how to refer to a group of people but be asked to make an exception. For instance, someone might refer to their woman friends as "girls" colloquially, but might have one friend who says she finds the term "girl" infantilizing.

... it's hard to keep track of
In physical-world interactions it can sometimes be hard to remember people's pronouns, for instance if you know a lot of people who present as binary feminine or masculine but take they/them pronouns. Fortunately, on Wikipedia, this needn't be an issue, for the reasons specified above.

... I refuse to use those pronouns
Deliberately misgendering an editor will usually be seen as a personal attack and lead to a block. It may also fall under the gender and sexuality discretionary sanctions area.

If you don't want that to happen, you have four choices:
 * 1) Use the pronouns people request.
 * 2) Adopt a consistent, gender-neutral across-the-board personal policy.
 * 3) Don't talk about anyone whose pronouns you have an issue with.
 * 4) Don't edit Wikipedia.

If that seems unfair, this is just how a collegial environment works. Editors are generally expected to defer to one another's preferences in how to be treated. If you don't wish to deal with that, then you face the consequences of that decision. Consider: Is this how you treat other editors whose choices you take issue with? If you see an editor with just the stupidest username you can possibly imagine, do you avoid saying their name? If someone's signature notes, "Post on my talk; don't ping me", do you ping them anyways?

... can't I just say their username instead?
In theory this could work. I like Jesse's idea works in lieu of I like their idea. However, it usually becomes obvious that you're avoiding pronouns. I like Jesse's idea. Jesse suggests splitting the article and I think Jesse should go ahead and do that, since I know Jesse is good at these things is a very jarring sentence, and it will be very obvious to our hypothetical Jesse that you are trying to avoid their pronouns. This is, in effect, no better than using the wrong pronouns. It's just dog-whistling. You still indicate an underlying refusal to gender the person correctly.

A good writer who is very cautious may be able to avoid third-person pronouns without overusing the username; however most people will not be able to pull that off. And is it really worth the effort when all you have to do is use the word someone asked you to use?

... can I make an exception for the weird ones like xe?
Not really. None of the above logic relies on they being a more reasonable word to use than any other. Part of civility is accommodating others' requests. That's just as true of xe as of they. That said, many people who take pronouns like xe/xem may alternately take they/them—although you shouldn't assume that they do.

This one, however, you could easily get around by simply referring to everyone as they.

... people will snap at me if I get things wrong
As noted below, if you misgender someone by accident, they should assume good faith. Most likely, they will! Most transgender and non-binary people have, at some point in their lives, misgendered someone by accident. This essayist, being part of the non-binary community, has many friends who have changed their pronouns more than once, and/or whose pronouns are not what you would expect given their gender presentation, and thus has probably been corrected on pronouns significantly more times than most cisgender people have. So take it from her: Most corrections of misgendering are somewhere between "very polite" and "a tad curt". If someone points out that you've misgendered them, you should apologize, make a note for the future, and move on. If they are noticeably upset, you have a better chance of defusing the situation if you understand why it's a sensitive subject for them.

If something about someone's pronouns confuses you, just reach out to them and say, Hey, I saw on your userpage , but I don't really understand what that means. Can you explain? I don't want to get them wrong. Maybe mention that you've already read this essay, to show that you did your due diligence.

For others: Assuming good faith
Your first time interacting with someone, you can never be sure that they are aware of your pronouns. Even if you list them in your signature, perhaps they overlooked that, or saw it and forgot. Perhaps they speak a language where gendered pronouns work differently or don't exist at all. The best thing you can do is politely correct them. If they're proceeding in good faith, that's all that needs to happen. If they don't understand what you mean, point them to this essay!

Repeated errors can be more complicated. Some people have bad memories. Some people get mixed up who they're talking about. Some people make typos. Someone getting your pronouns wrong twice a year apart probably didn't mean to; someone getting them wrong three times in a conversation may well have. There's no bright line between those two points that decides when you can stop assuming good faith about a second (etc.) instance of misgendering, but try to use common sense. The subject being discussed and the overall tenor of the conversation can also be clues. When in doubt, consider reaching out privately to a neutral administrator and asking, "Do you think this person's doing this intentionally?"

If you get the impression that an editor always refers to editors as "he", you may want to raise that point with them more generally, rather than thinking it has anything to do with you.

Editors willing to answer general questions about interacting with transgender and non-binary people

 * I'm a transfeminine enby who has taught queer topics professionally to middle schoolers in an area with almost no visible LGBTQ population. Which means that whatever question you have to ask me, I guarantee it won't be the strangest I've heard. Available on my talkpage or by email.
 * I've been some form of non-binary since November 2020—I've been around the wheel as far as questions about gender and pronouns go, so don't hesitate to shoot me a message at my talk page or to email me! theleekycauldron (talk • contribs)
 * I don't have a full résumé like Tamzin, but feel free to shoot me a question whenever. -- ( Roundish  ⋆  t )

Across-the-board practices
You are not under any obligation to figure out people's pronouns. Your obligation, rather, is to not use the wrong pronouns. It is generally not seen as misgendering to adopt a consistent, gender-neutral across-the-board pronoun policy, such as using they/them pronouns to refer to everyone which applies to all editors regardless of what they've designated in the software or elsewhere. You should not default to he/him, Nor the much rarer default she/her, or any other less common gender-specific pronouns. as it is likely to be taken as misgendering by anyone who does not take those pronouns. Defaulting to he/she or he or she at least avoids misgendering people who take she/her pronouns, but still fails to consider editors who take other pronouns.

The most common all-inclusive approach, rather, is across-the-board they/them pronouns. A minority of editors may avoid third-person pronouns entirely when referring to other editors, or may refer to other editors using less common gender-neutral pronouns like xe/xem. These approaches are generally not perceived as misgendering, since pronoun sets like they/them and xe/xem can refer to unknown or unspecified gender, not just to the pronoun preference of the person being mentioned. However, inconsistently following a personal policy like this (for instance, see below regarding selectively avoiding pronouns) could be taken as misgendering.

While an across-the-board practice is unlikely to offend even users who care strongly about their pronouns, if someone does (politely!) request that you make an exception from your policy and always refer to them by a specific pronoun, you should still make a good-faith effort to do so. Pronouns aren't special in this regard. There are many cases in life where one might have a general policy of how to refer to a group of people but be asked to make an exception. For instance, someone might refer to their woman friends as "girls" colloquially, but might have one friend who says she finds the term "girl" infantilizing.

... it's hard to keep track of
In physical-world interactions it can sometimes be hard to remember people's pronouns, for instance if you know a lot of people who present as binary feminine or masculine but take they/them pronouns. Fortunately, on Wikipedia, this needn't be an issue, for the reasons specified above.

... I refuse to use those pronouns
Deliberately misgendering an editor will usually be seen as a personal attack and lead to a block. It may also fall under the gender and sexuality discretionary sanctions area.

If you don't want that to happen, you have four choices:
 * 1) Use the pronouns people request.
 * 2) Adopt a consistent, gender-neutral across-the-board personal policy.
 * 3) Don't talk about anyone whose pronouns you have an issue with.
 * 4) Don't edit Wikipedia.

If that seems unfair, this is just how a collegial environment works. Editors are, to a reasonable extent, generally expected to defer to one another's preferences in how to be treated. If you don't wish to deal with that, then you face the consequences of that decision. Consider: Is this how you treat other editors whose choices you take issue with? If you see an editor with just the stupidest username you can possibly imagine, do you avoid saying their name? If someone's signature notes, "Post on my talk; don't ping me", do you ping them anyways?

... can't I just say their username instead?
In theory this could work. Yes, in theory. I like Jesse's idea works in lieu of I like their idea. However, it usually becomes obvious that you're avoiding pronouns. However, certain grammatical formulations that arise out of avoiding personal pronouns are clunky, unnatural, and no better than using the wrong pronouns.

For example, I like Jesse's idea. Jesse suggests splitting the article and I think Jesse should go ahead and do that, since I know Jesse is good at these things is a very jarring sentence, and it will be very obvious to our hypothetical Jesse that you are trying to avoid their pronouns. This is, in effect, no better than using the wrong pronouns. It's just dog-whistling. You still indicate an underlying refusal to gender the person correctly. A good writer who is very cautious may be able to avoid third-person pronouns without overusing the username; however most people will not be able to pull that off. And is it really worth the effort when all you have to do is use the word someone asked you to use?

... can I make an exception for the weird ones like xe?
Not really. No. None of the above logic relies on they being a more reasonable word to use than any other. Part of civility is accommodating others' requests. That's just as true of xe as of they. That being said, many people who take pronouns like xe/xem may alternately take they/them—although you shouldn't assume that they do.

This one, however, you could easily get around by simply referring to everyone as they.

... people will snap at me if I get things wrong
As noted below, if you misgender someone by accident, they should assume good faith. Most likely, they will! Most transgender and non-binary people have, at some point in their lives, misgendered someone by accident. This essayist, being part of the non-binary community, has many friends who have changed their pronouns more than once, and/or whose pronouns are not what you would expect given their gender presentation, and thus has probably been corrected on pronouns significantly more times than most cisgender people have. So take it from her: Most corrections of misgendering are somewhere between "very polite" and "a tad curt". If someone points out that you've misgendered them, you should apologize, make a note for the future, and move on. If they are noticeably upset, you have a better chance of defusing the situation if you understand why it's a sensitive subject for them.

If something about someone's pronouns confuses you, just reach out to them and say, Hey, I saw on your userpage , but I don't really understand what that means. Can you explain? I don't want to get them wrong. Maybe mention that you've already read this essay, to show that you did your due diligence.

For others: Assuming good faith
Your first time interacting with someone, When interacting with someone for the first time, you can never be sure that they are aware of your pronouns. Even if you list them in your signature, perhaps they overlooked that, or saw it and forgot. Perhaps they speak a language where gendered pronouns work differently or don't exist at all. The best thing you can do is politely correct them. In such scenarios, if they're proceeding in good faith, that's all that needs to happen. If they don't understand what you mean, point them to this essay! Repeated errors can be more complicated. Some people have bad memories. Some people get mixed up who they're talking about. Some people make typos. A singular reminder, posted on the offending user's talk page, should be enough. Use common sense when dealing with repeat offenders; someone getting your pronouns wrong twice a year apart probably didn't mean to, while someone getting them wrong three times in a conversation may well have. There's no bright line between those two points that decides when you can stop assuming good faith about a second (etc.) instance of misgendering, but try to use common sense. The subject being discussed and the overall tenor of the conversation can also be clues. When in doubt, consider reaching out privately to a neutral administrator and asking, "Do you think this person's doing this intentionally?"

If you get the impression that an editor always refers to editors as "he", you may want to raise that point with them more generally, rather than thinking it has anything to do with you.

Editors willing to answer general questions about interacting with transgender and non-binary people

 * I'm a transfeminine enby who has taught queer topics professionally to middle schoolers in an area with almost no visible LGBTQ population. Which means that whatever question you have to ask me, I guarantee it won't be the strangest I've heard. Available on my talkpage or by email.
 * I've been some form of non-binary since November 2020—I've been around the wheel as far as questions about gender and pronouns go, so don't hesitate to shoot me a message at my talk page or to email me! theleekycauldron (talk • contribs)
 * I don't have a full résumé like Tamzin, but feel free to shoot me a question whenever. -- ( Roundish  ⋆  t )

Across-the-board practices
It is generally not seen as misgendering to adopt a consistent, gender-neutral across-the-board pronoun policy, such as using they/them pronouns to refer to everyone regardless of what they've designated in the software or elsewhere. You should not default to he/him, she/her, or any other less common gender-specific pronouns.

A minority of editors may avoid third-person pronouns entirely when referring to other editors, or may refer to other editors using less common gender-neutral pronouns like xe/xem. These approaches are generally not perceived as misgendering, since pronoun sets like they/them and xe/xem can refer to unknown or unspecified gender, not just to the pronoun preference of the person being mentioned. However, inconsistently following a personal policy like this (for instance, see below regarding selectively avoiding pronouns) could be taken as misgendering.

While an across-the-board practice is unlikely to offend even users who care strongly about their pronouns, if someone does (politely!) request that you make an exception from your policy and always refer to them by a specific pronoun, you should still make a good-faith effort to do so.

... it's hard to keep track of
In physical-world interactions it can sometimes be hard to remember people's pronouns, for instance if you know a lot of people who present as binary feminine or masculine but take they/them pronouns. Fortunately, on Wikipedia, this needn't be an issue, for the reasons specified above.

... I refuse to use those pronouns
Deliberately misgendering an editor will usually be seen as a personal attack and lead to a block. It may also fall under the gender and sexuality discretionary sanctions area.

If you don't want that to happen, you have four choices:
 * 1) Use the pronouns people request.
 * 2) Adopt a consistent, gender-neutral across-the-board personal policy.
 * 3) Don't talk about anyone whose pronouns you have an issue with.
 * 4) Don't edit Wikipedia.

If that seems unfair, this is just how a collegial environment works. Editors are, to a reasonable extent, expected to defer to one another's preferences in how to be treated. If you don't wish to deal with that, then you face the consequences of that decision.

... can't I just say their username instead?
Yes, in theory. I like Jesse's idea works in lieu of I like their idea. However, certain grammatical formulations that arise out of avoiding personal pronouns are clunky, unnatural, and no better than using the wrong pronouns.}

For example, Jesse suggests splitting the article and I think Jesse should go ahead and do that, since I know Jesse is good at these things is a very jarring sentence, and it will be very obvious to our hypothetical Jesse that you are trying to avoid their pronouns. A good writer who is very cautious may be able to avoid third-person pronouns without overusing the username; however most people will not be able to pull that off.

... can I make an exception for the weird ones like xe?
No. None of the above logic relies on they being a more reasonable word to use than any other. Part of civility is accommodating others' requests. That's just as true of xe as of they. That being said, many people who take pronouns like xe/xem may alternately take they/them—although you shouldn't assume that they do.

... people will snap at me if I get things wrong
As noted below, if you misgender someone by accident, they should assume good faith. Most likely, they will! Most people have, at some point in their lives, misgendered someone by accident. If someone points out that you've misgendered them, you should apologize, make a note for the future, and move on. If they are noticeably upset, you have a better chance of defusing the situation if you understand why it's a sensitive subject for them.

If something about someone's pronouns confuses you, just reach out to them and say, Hey, I saw on your userpage , but I don't really understand what that means. Can you explain? I don't want to get them wrong. Maybe mention that you've already read this essay, to show that you did your due diligence.

For others: Assuming good faith
When interacting with someone for the first time, you can never be sure that they are aware of your pronouns. Even if you list them in your signature, perhaps they overlooked that, or saw it and forgot. Perhaps they speak a language where gendered pronouns work differently or don't exist at all. The best thing you can do is politely correct them. In such scenarios, if they're proceeding in good faith, that's all that needs to happen. If they don't understand what you mean, point them to this essay. A singular reminder, posted on the offending user's talk page, should be enough. Use common sense when dealing with repeat offenders; someone getting your pronouns wrong twice a year apart probably didn't mean to, while someone getting them wrong three times in a conversation may well have. When in doubt, consider reaching out privately to a neutral administrator and asking, "Do you think this person's doing this intentionally?"

If you get the impression that an editor always refers to editors as "he", you may want to raise that point with them more generally, rather than thinking it has anything to do with you.

Editors willing to answer general questions about interacting with transgender and non-binary people

 * I'm a transfeminine enby who has taught queer topics professionally to middle schoolers in an area with almost no visible LGBTQ population. Which means that whatever question you have to ask me, I guarantee it won't be the strangest I've heard. Available on my talkpage or by email.
 * I've been some form of non-binary since November 2020—I've been around the wheel as far as questions about gender and pronouns go, so don't hesitate to shoot me a message at my talk page or to email me! theleekycauldron (talk • contribs)
 * I don't have a full résumé like Tamzin, but feel free to shoot me a question whenever. -- ( Roundish  ⋆  t )