User:Chitimes2/An Jung-sik/Poppyprint Peer Review

Chi-Chi, your hard work tracing An Jung-sik's career really shows in the article draft. I think you could reorganize the current sections as they have overlaps (see other well-known artist pages for inspiration). The content is great, although I am wondering if any of the sources you consulted discuss how he was also responding to the influx of new artistic technique and style. Please reconsider the organization based on other artists. Think about what you want the public to know the most about An.

The main issue is largely from the writing style, which distracts from the content because they are not polished or not as clear. Sometimes it seems that you are not using the terms (such as "style") correctly. I have made sentence-level suggestions below.

Lead

'*I got the lead (not sure if you wrote it) from the current Wikipedia section. Again, given the necessary revisions, I would be much more cautious about moving the draft to Wikipedia before it has been vetted and revised multiple times. While I definitely acknowledge your hard work, which provides an excellent base here, I am afraid the current version on Wikipedia needs a couple more rounds of polishing. If you can retract what you put online, please do so immediately, so that anyone searching for An Jungsik online will have a more clearly presented set of information about the artist.'

* Just realized that the entire lead appears on Google Arts & Culture page including the grammatical errors. This is why having a good lead matters! If you didn't write the lead, please suggest changes in the talk page.

Length is great.

Pursue the transition IN WHAT? In landscape painting? Be more specific.

Grammatical errors. You do NOT use apostrophe for plural. Two Korea's is wrong - change to two Koreas.

For consistency, should include hanja (classical Chinese characters) for 심전 and perhaps 미술 as well.

Artist vs painter? Which would be better? Would painter be more specific?

lead content: What would be the most important thing to understand about An Jungsik?

"towards the nowadays way of handling the fine arts (미술) in both Korea's." - Unclear what you mean here. First, what do you mean by "handling the fine arts"? I think you might be referring to artistic style, but the use of the word handling makes it sound like how artworks are wrapped and shipped. Not clear how An Jungsik is relevant to the division of North and South Korea (and we have seen in the later half of the class that art in North and South Korea developed in extremely different ways). I highly recommend rewriting the lead from scratch - I am happy to help.

Content

'''Writing style - please get rid of all "very"s in the draft so that the article sounds more formal and professional ("very" is considered more formal and colloquial). YOU MUST LOSE ALL THE "VERY"s!'''

You should revise/reorganize your sections. The content you have under "Biography" could be very much part of "Career," and some things that you have put under "Early life" isn't that early (you discuss the events in 1909, for example). I recommend going to other more famous artists' Wikipedia websites to figure out your sections.

I would get rid of "An held very different political and social views from his colleagues." unless you are going to explain what the political and social views from his colleagues were (and what colleagues from where? This sentence is too vague).

"An was inspired by their habits" - replace "habit" with another word that is more specific to what An was doing as an artist (ie. you're not talking about something like picking your nose!) style? technique?

"went on to act as a teacher" -> taught. Try to write more concisely. He wasn't "acting as a teacher," he was a teacher.

"The following year introduces the creation and opening of the" -> Again, write concisely and avoid repetition. You can even delete this whole thing and change it to: "The following year, 경성서화미술원 was established to..."

"The school was established to bring Korean art back to life after the Japanese invasion and colonization that occurred two years prior." - this sentence makes it sound like Japanese colonization was over. I suggest "after the Japanese annexation of Korea."

Students and Pupils - could be under "Life as a teacher"? Also overlaps with the "Legacy" section below

"An, alongside Jo and Ko Huidong," Who is Jo? Please provide full name. "Jo" appears throughout the article but I don't think his full name is ever provided. Also...this might be too much but you are mixing up at least two different transliteration systems. Choose between Jo or Cho (you're using Choson instead of Joseon here, so you might want to use Cho instead of Jo)

"From the Art Association of Calligraphy and Painting was the formation of the Association of Painters and Calligraphers (Sohwa Hyeophoe 서화협회)" - Awkward sentence. Not clear if you mean simply that this was formed after the earlier association (in time), or if the Art Association was the basis.

chollamhoe 조선미술철람회 wrong spelling - 조선미술전람회

Art style -> Style or Artistic style or Painting Style

* Does not seem like you are using "style" correctly here. The first sentence, for example, refers to subject matter, not artistic style. Maybe you could retitle the subsection as Style and Subject Matter. And should this go before or after individual paintings?

Played around -> experimented (BE MORE AWARE OF COLLOQUIAL TERMS AND GET RID OF THEM)

Legacy

"An was a very revolutionary and loved artist all throughout his career." -> This sentence (perhaps because of the "very") does not sound very neutral. I would change it to An was a successful artist. Or An enjoyed success thoughout his career as an artist.

"He was favored by the royal court because they viewed him as a perfect example as" -> grammatical error. Change as to of

For instance, despite most of his artwork consisting of traditional Asian styles (TOO VAGUE / grammar, usage). What even is an "Asian style" and does an artwork "consist of" style? Perhaps ink painting?

Western style of art, specifically oil painting. -> "Western oil painting" (concise!)

Historians even credited the success of many artists due to their time studying under An. “e(CAPITALIZE) merging artists who had studied under An became firmly established in the art world [and] served as leaders in contemporary painting.”

-> First, Art historians, and since they are writing in the present, use present tense ("credit")

-> The direct quote seems unnecessary. Paraphrase. Or if you must use direct quote, you need to include who said it and make it part of a full sentence. For example, According to Chi-Chi Ezekwenna, "emerging artist who had studied under An became firmly established in the art world.."

The passing of An and Jo (when did they die? Perhaps provide the years?) (grammar. I got rid of the comma) also signified the end of an era in Korean art. These two artists were the last living role models of traditional court painting and true Joseon technique. (<- these two sentences make it seem like the focus is on these two artist when 조석진 was not discussed at all...) What is "true Joseon technique"? (is there a false technique?) The phrase sounds awkward, so I recommend changing it. Also, note that you are using both Joseon and Choson in the same article - be consistent!

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