User:Clarkey01/sandbox

When a butterfly flaps its wings in Connecticut a hipster falls off a Fixie bike in Hackney. A giant squid can eat a ship whole. You are never more than three inches from an alligator’s face on the New York subway. And legend has it that Kristan Scott, aka The K Dog, K Dog, K Dawg (essentially anything with the letter "k" and a variation of the word "dog") was raised by honey badgers in the vast, inhospitable outback at “Devils Marble”, Northern Territory, Australia. He was discovered by British explorers, sometime between 1913 and 1917, smashing rocks with is face and hypnotizing bullfrogs with the mellifluous sounds of the slap bass, from a guitar he had constructed from strands of his own hair and a pair of wolves testicles.

Early life, education, career and innumerable other accolades

Captured with an enormous butterfly net and bought to England by wealthy patrons, Kristan received his early education at Harrow, Eton, Winchester and Radley, where he made a name for himself by cooking toast for prefects, not with a toaster but by playing improvised jazz funk at pieces of bread on old WWII tank parts. He left aged 12 to attend, simultaneously, Oxford and Cambridge, where he majored in Babylonian philosophy, phenomenology, archaeology, Arabic, kabuki theatre, medieval romance poetry and home economics. He graduated with a quadruple first before attending Harvard, Yale, Princeton and MIT. Simply because he could.

In 1962 Kristan invented the home computer.

While training for the 1964 Tokyo Olympics, at which he would win four gold medals, in Jujitsu, slalom canoeing, short course archery and rhythmic gymnastics, Scott is credited with having proved the Novikov self-consistency principle and, in doing so, solved the problem of paradoxes in time travel. In 1970 he was awarded a first class doctorate from the Sorbonne, Paris, and his thesis, Applying the Ancient Art of pre-Hellenic Persian Lovemaking to the Twentieth Century, is on permanent display at the British Museum. It is, unofficially, the second most visited destination in Europe. After Katie Price’s genitalia.

In 1990, while re-growing his own legs, having trodden on a landmine whilst single-handedly defending a Guatemalan orphanage for the blind from from a marauding band of midget bandits, K-Dog became the first man to scale Nepal's notorious Kanchenjunga Mountain in flip flops. A feat made even more remarkable by the fact that he was still re-growing his own legs. In 1995 he completed the grueling Marathon de Sables in just 31 hours, completely naked and with only a one Satsuma segment and half a can of Dr. Pepper for fuel.

After a year wrestling (and overpowering) wild grizzly bears in the Kazakhstan wilderness, Scott returned to England and promptly invented a cloak of invisibility and a cure for crossed-eyes. In 2000, for his tireless work fighting homelessness and inner-city gun crime through the power of bonsai, he was awarded a knighthood and given a £50 WHSmith voucher by the Queen. He bought a copy of Harry Potter and the Overfriendly Uncle, an EU adaptor and 25 blank CDs.

His 2001 Oscar-winning script for the Belarusian art-house smash I Swapped my Wife for a Medium-Sized Wheelbarrow (released in Holland as Ik Geruilde mijn Wive voor een middelgrote Kruiwagen) remains the highest grossing foreign language film in The Academy's history (£136.20) and has been translated so many times that three new languages have had to be created to cope with the demand. Kristan invented two of them.

An unprecedented double Olivier award for his groundbreaking role as both Dorothy and The Tin Man, in the self-penned, smash hit West End eco-musical The Blizzard of Oz was dedicated to the indigenous Yanomami Indians of the Amazon basin in their native tongue, it being one of 22 aboriginal languages spoken fluently. By the K Dog. A Pulitzer Prize, for his seminal journalism exploring communication techniques among giant pandas in the Shaanxi Province of China, props up a wonky table in the same studio where, in 2006 Scott re-imagined all four cycles of Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen as 19th century Tuvan throat music, and where he acted as a spiritual guide, personal trainer and muse to US hip-hop mogul, Jay-Z, during the recording of his seminal 2003 masterpiece, The Black Album. On Kristan played the harp.

In 2009 Scott was struck by a Land Rover Discovery while crossing the road outside a Kent branch of Accessorize. The Land Rover burst into flames and the driver and her three children had to be pulled from the wreckage and resuscitated…by K Dog. They all survived.

Pop Idol finalist and celebrity slimmer, Rik Waller, dedicated his 2005 album Innocence to “Kristan Scott. The man on whose axis the world spins.”

Scott played bass on Gary Numan’s Cars at a 1980s New Romantics revival gig in Margate, 2011.

Today, in between bending space and time with his bare hands, in search of the God Particle, from a futon at the core of the Large Hadron Collider, and brokering a tenuous peace between Israel and Palestine, Scott makes moustache wax for hipsters out of bees' mucus and breaks base jumping and skydiving records under the pseudonym Felix Baumgartner. He is available for weddings, christenings and Bar Mitzvahs.

Publications

The G-Spot and How I Can’t Fail to Find It (2002)

I’ve Got a Ten Inch Tongue and I Can Breathe Through My Ears: A Decade Between the Legs of the Adult Entertainment Industry (2005)

From Flat Pack to Backpack: Carrying an IKEA Trondheim Bedframe Across the Sudan, for Charity (2007)

Meat Me Half Way: Rethinking Vegetarianism in the Twenty-First Century (2007)

''How Many Freudian Psychologists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb? Two. One to Change the Bulb and the Other to Hold My Penis…I Mean Ladder: A Pocket Guide to Breaking the Ice with your Therapist'' (2008)

Too Fat to Frolic: How Obesity is Killing Morris Dancing; and Other Threats to the English Folk Tradition (2009)

Other notable achievements

Countdown Champion of Champions: 2002 – Present

Tuba and timpani drums on Beyonce Knowles’s 2003 multi-platinum album Dangerously in Love (unaccredited)

BAFTA for Channel 5 award-winning documentary The Small Ukrainian Boy Who Had Rolling Pins for Arms (Producer, 2004)

100 press ups with no-arms and no-legs. In 90 seconds