User:Clarob16/Palm oil production in Indonesia/Samanthaklos Peer Review

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User:Clarob16

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User:Clarob16/Palm oil production in Indonesia
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 * Palm oil production in Indonesia

Claire's Palm oil production in Indonesia Draft
Key:

Italicized: she added

Strike through: she removed

Underline: I think you could remove

Bold: Replacement

Lead
No edits to lead paragraph

Air pollution
''Palm Oil production is a source of air pollution in Indonesia, mainly due to the use of slash-and-burn method to clear out forests for palm oil plantations. The areas that are typically being cleared out are rainforests, which have very carbon rich forest floors that are know as peatlands. The carbon-rich soil of the peatlands make them very flammable and when they burn they release a large amount of CO2  along with black carbon, an extremely dangerous type of particulate matter. Along with particulate matter, the smoke from the fires can release toxic gases that can spread over large areas.'' Smoke and carbon dioxide are released into the atmosphere when forests are burned to create palm oil plantations. The fires are not easy to put out in remote areas and it affects both animal life and human populations.

Smoke and carbon dioxide are released into the atmosphere when forests are burned to create palm oil plantations. The fires are not easy to put out in remote areas and it affects both animal life and human populations.

Mental and environmental health impacts and health rights violations
The smoke and particulate matter (PM) that is released when rainforests and peatlands are burning can cause negative health consequences in humans. Some of the adverse health effects from inhaling PM can include damage to the respiratory system, cardiovascular disease, cancer, influenza, and premature death. ''In Sumatra, an area of Indonesia that experiences a lot of  frequent fires from palm oil production has seen particulate pollution double over the past two decades with the rise of the palm oil industry. Particulate pollution has had an impact on life expectancy in the area with 0.7 predicted years of life lost due to pollution two decades ago compared to a predicted 2.4 years of life lost now. Nitrogen Oxides (NOX) and Carbon monoxides (CO) are also released during peatland fires. Long term exposure to Nitrogen Oxides can cause irritation in the respiratory system and lower systems ability to fight infections, like influenza. Carbon Monoxide slows down the transport of oxygen to the body's tissues and organs, this increased risk of myocardial ischemia, heart disease, and chest pain. There are also health risks involved for those working in the palm oil industry with an increased risk of developing musculoskeletal disorders, infectious diseases such as malaria and worm infections due to extensive outdoor labor, stress and mental disorders, and pesticide and herbicide exposure.'' Some companies in Indonesia have been found to test employees’ blood for chemical exposure. Workers will be told if they have “abnormal” blood; however, they do not receive a copy of the results or any further explanation. Workers with such abnormalities are often moved to different tasks without an explanation. This has been found to cause heightened anxiety among plantation workers about their health.

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Lead: N/A

Body:


 * 1) Not sure if you need to cite the first source for 2 sentences in a row- maybe only the second time (in the third sentence of "Air Pollution")
 * 2) In the second sentence add commas: The carbon-rich soil of the peatlands make them very flammable, and when they burn, they release a large amount of CO2 and black carbon, an extremely dangerous type of particulate matter.
 * 3) I agree with the sentence you removed in "Air Pollution"!
 * 4) Add comma: In Sumatra, an area of Indonesia that experiences a lot of  frequent fires from palm oil production, has seen particulate pollution double over the past two decades with the rise of the palm oil industry.
 * 5) I think your draft is very clear on how palm oil production causes harm to the environment and human health and some of the basic technicalities behind this. My main comment is that I feel like the middle/second half of your discussion in the "mental and environmental health impacts" section could be more specifically tailored to palm oil production Thailand.
 * 6) As far as organization and content go, I think you are super clear and everything makes sense/is relevant. You provide good information but some of it seems slightly more science based than about Thailand specifically. Maybe you could add more specific case studies in a few short sentences? (for example, I see that one of your sources is a case study on Central Kalimantan? Other than this, I think your tone/balance is good and overall you made the article more complete so far.
 * 7) See the underlines/bold words for any wording/grammatical notes!
 * 8) As far as sources go, the link for #5 doesn't work (at least on my end).
 * 9) You might want to add some links to other wikipedia articles. (potentially the Sumatra page, palm oil page, and/or particulates?)