User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink

Hey! What are you doing here? You fool! You shouldn't be here! Go this way! Quickly, quickly! Unless you want to go somewhere better...

Colonel Wilhelm Klink
This is the user page for Colonel Wilhelm Klink, who has been an editor on Wikipedia since February 29, 2016. While this "Klink" fellow may seem like a genuinely stable editor and overall nice guy, do not be fooled! He is in reality quite slow, dim-witted, and basically incapable of complex thoughts. If (or rather, when) he makes any mistakes or creates any problems in his editing, please notify him on his talk page. If you do not wish to do so, just carry on with your business, pretending that you see nothing – nothing!!

About
As a young lad, Colonel Wilhelm Klink was "accidentally" dropped out of a third-story window by his mother; in case you hadn't guessed, he landed on his head. Upon recovering from this, he was, again, "accidentally" dropped out of a third-story window, this time by his father (sensing a theme here?). After an official investigation, the local police filled out a report on the incident consisting of just one word: "Justified".

Upon flunking out of sixteen successive preparatory schools (and being laughed out of five others), Klink's father took the initiative, enrolling him in a military academy ("Son, you are good for nothing else, so why don't you join the army?"). On his first day of service, a computer error (à la Catch-22) promoted him to the rank of colonel, at which he has remained to this day.

Despite his name, Colonel Wilhelm Klink does not reside in Klink, Germany, as he has been banned from that country for being, in the words of the German government, a "...what?...who let you in?...you...you...get out of here! Get out of here now!" Ahem. Today, Klink lives in a dumpster in Chicago, Nevada, with his six cats and his collection of used tissues.

Other
This is Colonel Wilhelm Klink's "Other" section, which serves as the proverbial landfill for this proverbial garbage dump of a user page. Be forewarned: Colonel Wilhelm Klink is not responsible for any injuries sustained by readers of this content who attempt to "do something foolish" after realizing that this is not just some horrible nightmare.


 * If you have read this entire page to this point, congratulations; you've just wasted five minutes of your life that you'll never get back! It's much more depressing when someone points it out to you, isn't it?
 * Apparently, you will get pregnant if you drink Gatorade. Maybe even if you're a guy!
 * Maybe the reason you don't like Hillary Clinton is because she's really Chuck Norris. (Which, honestly, explains alot!)
 * ...Why am I just hearing about this now? I should have heard about it yeasterday!
 * Unfortunately, the beloved mascot of retail chain Toys "R" Us, Geoffrey the Giraffe, has run into some trouble....
 * I'm definitely not a representative of the logging industry.
 * Today's Advice: Never get into an argument with George Washington, because he might do this.
 * Fun (and poor spelling and grammar) at the 2016 NBA Finals: Sometimes it's general, and sometimes it's personal.
 * If anybody ever murders Britney Spears, we may have a possible motive.
 * And another.
 * Just relax.
 * That's gotta hurt.
 * More proof that many vandals have childhood issues. (The editor in this case was a disruptive user.)
 * One of the best edit summaries I've come across...
 * If Jesus ever comes back, we should have somebody check to make sure he's not a cyclops from Bermuda.
 * Hold it, folks: we've got some BREAKING NEWS! Remember when that used to mean something?
 * Wow... the Bert page really used to suck....
 * Yipes! I smell a horror movie plot...
 * Wondering what to make for dinner? Here's a suggestion! (Just make sure none of your guests are named George Lucas.)
 * (soft weeping)
 * Have you lost all faith in humanity? No? Read this. How about now?
 * Don't you just love British humor?
 * The next great silverware-oriented sci-fi epic...
 * Not the best user name, but you've gotta admire the honesty.
 * "...this brand made safe sex at the forefront of the media..."
 * Death is a mysterious thing...
 * Roadkill is the most reliable source of all.
 * Don't you just hate those anticlimactic endings?
 * Oh, you silly thing, of course there's grass!

Helpful Links

 * The Main Page (In case you're having trouble finding it.)
 * Stupidity (In case you had to use that last "helpful link".)
 * Depression (This might apply to you if you've read this page.)
 * User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/AfD Record
 * User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/CSD log
 * User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/PROD log
 * User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/Great gift ideas
 * User:Colonel Wilhelm Klink/Listcruft Hall of Fame
 * User:Adam1213/warn
 * User:Antandrus/observations on Wikipedia behavior
 * A handy tool for mapping BLP edits.
 * Special:RandomInCategory/Wikipedia essays
 * Special:RandomInCategory/User essays
 * Something beautiful... (Shockingly, this one's real.)

Accolades and Achievements
Apparently, someone (possibly the nefarious Klink himself) has made a grievous error in creating an "Accolades and Achievements" section for Colonel Wilhelm Klink. While he is rather skilled when it comes to washing vegetables by hand and picking change up from the sidewalk, it is not possible for him to have fulfilled any of the tasks or achieved any of the criteria specified below. If you do not see many userboxes or awards below, it is a sign that the forces of good are at work, and that you will most likely have a very merry Christmas. Please, folks: If you value the truth, ignore this section!

It should be noted that the "Petition Against Ignore All Rules Abuse" userbox was stolen from the user page of User:Ser Amantio di Nicolao. But seriously, we all knew that deep down, right?

Thank you for your warning about my Anne Byrne page. I always appreciate guidance in creating acceptable Wikipedia articles. x

JackHeslop91 (talk) 18:24, 12 June 2016 (UTC) 