User:Conceptcontext/Choi Seung-hee/Poppyprint Peer Review

Sara - I think you are making a really valuable contribution to the article by pointing out the criticism that Choi (Choi or Choe?) received, and placing her work and life in the larger context of Japanese imperialism. There is some room for improvement, in terms of polishing the writing, but more importantly, making sure that your research is communicated as clearly as possible. I pointed out some sentences that needed more clarity / and also could be expanded with more info. Please let me know if you need any help. We can go over these in person as well.

* Editing notes: I fixed some of the typos but not all. Please make sure that your citation notes are at the very end of the sentence, after the period (do this for everything!) / go over uppercase / lowercase. Sometimes proper nouns are not capitalized (confucian -> Confucian); I am also seeing a few typos. Please go over every sentence!

Her multiple names showed -> The multiple pronunciations of her name (since her name is the same...but just pronounced in different ways) / change to present tense

Choi Seung-il was part of the Korea Artist Proletariat Federation, as well as had many connections in both Japan and Korea to journalists and intellectuals '''which made it possible for him to connect with Ishii. '''

-> You can cite your source ONCE (since it's the same source) at the END of the sentence.

-> and had many connections in both Japan and Korea (the location of "as well as" is awkward)

-> Content: not clear what the relationship is between the Korea Artist Proletariat Federation and Choi's connections to Ishii. Was Ishii part of a similar organization in Japan? You might want to move the content about KAPF elsewhere.

During this time in the early 1920s -> In early 1920s Korea,

Leading Ishii and his dancers to travel around Taiwan, China, and Vietnam with dancers from the Ishii Dance School in Tokyo.

-> This is not a proper sentence. Either merge with the previous sentence, or change it so that there is a subject (who is leading???)

'''they wpuld be viewed by the public. In'''

-> Fix typo; perhaps add transition. However, in..

As Choe got fame across several countries as well as in the west, Japanese critics believed that she could represent one of the Manchuria national mottos that called for "Five Races under One Union"

-> "got fame" is too colloquial. Gained? Earned?

-> Capitalize West (do this for rest of the text!)

-> What do you mean by "one of the Manchuria national mottos"? This part is not very clear, although I think it's a really important point. You're basically saying that Choi's fame was useful to the Japanese, right? I think you should add some more explanation here. You may also want to link Manchuria (actually, I think you are referring to Manchukuo - the Japanese colony - since Manchuria could also refer to the name of the region, so please link Manchukuo).

'''Choe performed as a Japanese dancer yet it was believed she sympathized with Korea and she was esteemed by Koreans. Choe recieved a lot of criticism in North Korea for assimilating to dancing under the empire.'''

-> Fix typo

-> Another important point! Good job! However, it doesn't seem to be the right place for Choe's criticism since it's much later, right? Would you put it in the later section? Or at least clearly indicate that this is later. "Later, Choe would receive.."

-> "a lot of" is colloquial. Change to formal language.

Her relationship to Japan made her interesting in the public sphere as only seven of her dances were traditionally Korean.

-> Unclear what you mean here...??

She was seen as an entertainer in the eyes of many Korean's rather than as a modern artist.

-> Koreans. NO APOSTROPHE IN PLURAL. This error appears commonly across student writings. Please fix this!

she was also a subject of media gossip whist unmarried, Choe shared her struggle with social backlash with the press.

-> Capitalize. Whist? Whilst

-> Grammatical error. Please separate to two proper sentences.

'''She differentiated herself from traditional artists but also from new women who identified breaking jeongjo (chasity) as a more modern practice. Choe wanted to be recognized for developing new dance in Korea. Korean society regarded her as part of the "modern woman" trend setting her against traditionalism.'''

Italicize jeongjo

You may want to link "new woman"

The last sentence also needs clarification (what do you mean by "setting her against traditionalism"?) Also could start with a transition word: "However, the Korean society only regarded her..."

Choe was drawn to the metropolis after a cultural bloom in the 1930s, she found opportunities by appealing to Japanese audiences by using colonial traditions.

- Which metropolis?

- Grammatical error: run-on sentence (these also appear frequently, so please pay careful attention)

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/run-on-sentence-basics/

Choe was the first femle colonial dancer

- typo

- "colonial dancer" is too vague. how about "first female dancer in colonial Korea"?

her performance abroad showed themes of both cultural and colonial tradition as well as humor and myth

- I think this is a really important point and would love more info here!

- What kind of myth? Korean? And mythology might be better here

'''Dance performance had a political weight at this time as it worked to give legitimacy to a nation and colony. Choe's performance generated critiques from intellectuals that revolved around the gender of bodily movements as her work made made a different sociopolitical space.'''

- The second sentence needs clarification??? I am not sure what you mean here. And it seems less relevant to the paragraph (but it might be because I am not fully understanding what this sentence means..)

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

(provide username)


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)