User:Cornbenj/Roseburg Oregon National Guard Armory/StaceySmithOSU Peer Review

Prof. Smith's comments on Wikipedia first draft project
Hi Benjamin,

Here are my comments on how to expand and/or improve your Wikipedia article draft.

Lead:

Change the first sentence as follows: The Roseburg Oregon National Guard Armory served as the main office of the Roseburg National Guard Company from 1914 until 1943. This will help cut out wordiness and make the time period clearer from the start.

Add the year that building became the community center here in the lead.

Avoid passive voice: Who announced that student athletes would live there? Also, I would consider moving the final sentence of the lead down in to the body of the article. This piece of information about student athletes is important, but it seems more like a secondary detail than a primary fact to include in the lead.

Content:

Who was John Hunter? Was he important in any way? Also, be sure to eliminate passive voice here: John Hunter constructed it.

When did the building take Flegal's name? What services did the community center provide?

When and how did UCC acquire the building?

Did students, in fact, move into the building? What renovations did UCC make so that it would become a dorm?

Can you say anything specific about the kinds of mobilization of soldiers or guardsmen that happened at the building? Was it a big mobilization center for WWI or WWII? I would really like you to look in some of the digitized newspapers for Oregon to see if you can find more information about the armory's purpose and function: https://oregonnews.uoregon.edu/

Style:

Capitalize Tudor Revival in the third sentence under Early History. Also, this sentence is really more of a fragment and has a lot of passive voice. I would go with something like: The building construction is in the Tudor Revival style and resembles a fortress.

In the second to last sentence under Early History, revise as follows: During the years between 1917 and 1943, the armory was a mobilization center for soldiers and national guardsmen from the Roseberg area. [If I have the facts correct].

In general, work on smoothing out your writing and especially eliminating passive voice.

References:

These look good!