User:Cpanett/sandbox

Article Evaluation (HIV/AIDS in New York City)

The lead:

This lead in article feels like it could be worded better in many instances. The second sentence is a confusing run-on that tries to pull too many ideas together at the same time. The second paragraph needs a reference, as this information is not entirely obvious. It also does not mention all of the sections of the article as bringing them in to the summary. The sentences do not flow together, and the timeline of the article summary is also not clear.

Medical Research:

First Response:

Some of this could be worded better, such as "this group knew very little about and didn't know how to treat" could be revised to be more concise.

First Drug:

This does not really pertain to specifically New York City, so this could perhaps be removed, as it is no doubt covered in a more general HIV/AIDS article.

Gay Community Response:

There should be a heading for these first four paragraphs

In the first paragraph, while the content may be true, this sounds like a very biased view, and definitely needs a citation as the content is not obvious.

The third paragraph is a good summary of advocacy groups that arose from the 1980's epidemic and does its job to inform the reader.

The fourth paragraph needs a reference.

Education and support for Risk Prevention:

Other than grammar, this first paragraph seems informative and well-cited.

Government Response:

Funding:

This first paragraph seems informative at first, but then develops into a recounting of a political mud-slinging fest that feels misplaced. This paragraph could be easily shortened to something that states "when the health administrator for the city failed to increase funding in response to this health crisis, activist organizations were the major contributors to the medical research (reference)"

The second half of the second paragraph is well written, but the first half could be condensed into much more concise writing, and still comes off as biased.

Public Schools and Children with AIDS:

This is informative, but could also be more concise.

Needle Exchange Program:

Interesting back and forth which informs the reader about how this program came to be. The term "police harassment of drug users" seems like it could be worded better unless it is a quote from the primary source.

Comparison with San Francisco:

This section begins with an argument for why conclusions drawn from the section are invalid, this is quite odd. The second paragraph is unnecessary.

"Gay Disease":

This entire section does not have a source. How can one make statements about how a community of people feel without a credible source such as interviews or statements from advocacy groups?

New York Government Programs:

The opening sentence is written to flippantly, "Among all the debate..." could be entirely removed and not detract from the articles message at all.

Timeline:

May events in this timeline are not cited, and should probably run to modern-day, or at least to the end of events discussed within the article. For instance, the needle exchange program had to be re-vamped in 1992, but this timeline stops in 1989, so this section does not even include everything that is discussed in the article it is a part of.

References:

Many References cannot be checked by the reader. This may be too much to ask, as the article's topic is something that happened in the 80's, however it is important to be able to check references for some of these claims, especially ones about the Gay communities response as well as the failings of several politicians.

A question I have is: How was discrimination against homosexuals in New York City affected by this crisis? The article goes into some detail with its discussion of advocacy, however I think the addition of a section talking about discrimination of homosexuals was affected by the HIV/AIDS crisis.

~Cpanett Early Life and Education:

Her time at Michigan University was not without it's struggles, she almost dropped out of college at one point due to a "Crisis of Confidence", but learned of a minority scholarship for in medicine and decided to pursue it.

Career:

In 1982 after finishing residency, Dr. Canady began practicing at the Children's Hospital of Michigan. She then became the first African-American woman to be a board-certified Neurosurgeon in 1984. 

From 2001 to her retirement in 2012, Dr. Canady worked as a part-time surgeon and consultant at Sacred Heart Hospital in Pensacola, Fl.

(later) While working after residency, Dr. Canady continued to do research with Wayne State University. This research would eventually lead to the development of an antisiphon shunt that helps to treat hydrocephalus.

To Early life and Education:

Her mother being a former President of Delta Sigma Theta Inc. and her father a dentist, she was taught the importance of education from an early age.

(later) Although she initially had an interest in internal medicine, Dr. Canady decided on neurosurgery against the recommendations of her advisors. (later), after completing her internship, she went to the University of Minnesota for her residency, becoming the first female African-American neurosurgery resident in the United States.

In career:

During her years at the Children's Hospital of Michigan, Dr. Canady continued research with Wayne State University. She served as a Professor of Neurosurgery there as well.