User:Crazyboy899/Surreal

SURREAL is a bunch of passages related to just about nothing. They are all under some sort of CreativeCommons License.

They are all weird, don't take them seriously. They're sort of inspired by David Byrne's "dreams" included in the sleeve of Grown Backwards.

Bookshelves
I spent hours looking for a title to my fancy, my extensive library filled a whole wing of my manor, filled with tons of titled titillating tomes for every man to enjoy. “Frogs and their uses”, “Voodoo for the Masses”, “Alcoholic Properties of Snail Slime”. Books and books and books! After a period of time that seemed like a lifetime, I found a book that caught my eye: “The Essence of Science”. I opened the dusty old piece of literature and to my surprise, something fell out. It was startled, whatever it was and when I picked it up I realised how premature my personification was. The thing was in fact very startled, it was humbled, confused and intimidated by my daunting size compared to it. It turned out to be a small rodent, only a few centimetres long with tiny bucked teeth. It suddenly plucked up the courage to leap out of my hand and scurry out the window.

I Can Only Smell what Isn't There
It was then the oven turned on. I could smell the chicken and the seasoning already, it was delightful! I took a needed whiff of the sensual smell that almost had a charming sound to it and as soon as I did I realised the horrific truth: The oven was empty, it was completely bare. So where was the smell from? What caused such a strange placebo in my kitchen? It was never explained but all was returned to normality when I replaced the emptiness in the oven with the chicken I intended to cook in the first place.

Afraid to Pee
The urinal was propped up against the wall very firmly, but I couldn't bear to use it because I could see it was loose – The slightest drop of warm urine could easily topple the whole infrastructure of the public toilet, one tiny, minuscule splat could have pulled the whole urinal down and take the wall with it. But I just had to use it or my entire bladder would have ruptured and killed me. I gained the courage to unzip and piss, and the relief was not because I had finally urinated, but because the urinal was stable as the stream of warm yellow water hit it.

My mind has Fallen Out with Me
The wall looked to me as daunting as a mean, fat middle aged woman. It was frightening to look at. I felt humbled by such a large structure staring me in the face. The bricks seemed to converge into some frowning face with crossed eyebrows, scary. Suddenly I could see a map of my entire mind in the wall; every thought I ever had was printed in graffiti, signs and blue tacked paper upon the belly of the gargantuan wall. I could see everything I wanted to do, did do and will do. But then I started having an argument with the wall. I was angry at the wall, it disappointed me. I hated the wall. We yelled at each other for hours until the wall dissipated into the abyss and I could see nothing, but the people staring at me.

Intoxicated
I'm not on drugs and I'm not stoned. I don't feel high and I'm not drunk. Yet my head is spinning and I can't focus on my book. I don't have a drink so it couldn't have been spiked and I haven't eaten since 7am this morning. It's 8pm now and any effects of poison would have been evident much earlier. I must have been reading too fast, or the lights are too dim. Or maybe there's something in the dust. But something has made me ill, and I don't know what it is.

Chairs are People Too
I sat down and the chair stared at me. I don't quite know what emotions it showed towards me, but I could tell it was angry. Then it's arms grabbed me and I couldn't move or stand up, it's muscled legs were tense and strong and it's arm's grip was like iron around me. I was scared, I found myself screaming at the chair, yelling at it, begging to let go. Trapped and afraid, I was stuck. When the TV turned on, it was all ok and I felt better.