User:Dalequark/Beta Male

In societies with social hierarchies, the Beta Male is the unexceptional complement to the more notable “Alpha male.” The term, first coined by Christopher Moore in his novel A Dirty Job, describes males whose role it is in society to be cautionary, imaginative, loyal, and overall ordinary. Other common characteristics of Beta Males include lust, laziness, self-delusion, imagination, and body odor.

Famous examples of Beta Males include: Charlie Asher (secondhand storeowner, Death Merchant), “Ray” (ex-cop, secondhand store employee), and Minty Fresh (owner of “Fresh Jazz,” Death Merchant).

When the Beta Male’s "Three Key Traits"—imagination, lust, and reliability—come together in just the right way, extraordinary things may happen. However, these occurrences are rare should be regarded as statistical deviations.

The Moore Hypothesis
For many years, the very existence of the Beta was much a mystery. The most prominent evolutionary biologists believed that the Alpha Male, with his good looks, boldness, and disturbingly-high dose of testosterone, would have dominated societies’ gene pools, rendering the Beta obsolete. Christopher Moore’s 2006 hypothesis on the existence of the Beta, however, reestablished a basis for society’s underdogs.



The theory rests on “Three Key Traits” of Beta Males that enable their survival: imagination, lust, and reliability. In his ability to anticipate danger and mate with anything that moves, Moore proposes, the Beta has come to far outnumber the Alpha. In his own words, “The world is led by Alpha Males, but the machinery of the world turns on the bearings of the Beta Male.”

Imagination
Imagination was crucial in protecting Betas through evolutionary struggle, as it allowed them to perceive and avoid even the most remote causes of danger. Furthermore, it allowed Betas to accept even the most far-fetched situations with little doubt. While this trait has become, “superfluous in the case of modern society,” there is still much empirical evidence pointing to its current prevalence.

Take, for instance, secondhand storeowner and Death Merchant Charlie Asher. The job of “Death Merchant” is a dirty one, requiring that its holders steal the personal possessions of the dead and dying while offering only a picture book, The Great Big Book of Death, for guidance. Benefits include attacks from underworld sewer harpies bent on murder and world takeover. Any normal person met with the job of Death Merchant would respond in disbelief. Unfortunately, any Death Merchant who neglects his duty to collect souls furthers the bleak takeover of the underworld, an unlucky outcome indeed. With Alpha Males far too defiant to accept the orders of fate, who is to prevent hell from freezing over? Enter the Charlie Asher, first-class Beta Male. When Charlie is attacked by two giant ravens and called “Death” by a girl in fuck-me pumps, he has no trouble believing himself the unfortunate punching bag of destiny. It is in fact Charlie’s ability to believe anything and everything that allows him to make no haste in taking on his role as Death Merchant, thus saving San Francisco from a bleak demise. Of all his prepackaged Beta Males flaws, “The inability to believe the unbelievable would not be his downfall.”  In his fanny pack of weapons, the Beta Male’s imagination is lethal.

Lust
To say that lust is a unique characteristic of the Beta Male is plainly false. However, few members of society have such broad stimulants for lust as the Beta, and this is key in permeating his less-than-desirable chromosomes. On this note, the Moore Hypothesis states that, “the complete slut through history may be exclusively responsible for the survival of the Beta Male gene.”  Snubbing its nose at survival-of-the-fittest, mediocrity prevails.

A perfect example of the Beta lust at its finest is ex-cop and Asher’s Secondhand employee “Ray.” Always in search of romance, Ray utilizes mail order bride services like DesperteFilipinas.com  and UkranianGirlsLovingYou.com to further his passions. Such tenacity indicates that this Beta Male is going above and beyond. Ray eventually finds his fix through coworker Lily Darquewillow Elventhing, who does him, “for the greater good.”  Some would scorn such risqué charity, excusing themselves with a thing called “dignity,” but not this model Beta. Bravo, Ray. It’s your indecency that keeps our species alive.

Beyond simply procreating, lust has several advantages and disadvantages for the Beta. On one hand, it is often the root of the Beta’s loyalty (see Reliability), “if for no other reason that gratitude for sex.”  However, it can also be his downfall, for lust inevitably overrides the Beta’s fear and imagination. Charlie Asher, for instance, hooks himself onto the claws of a soul-sucking Morrigan, blinded by her disguise as a goddess prostitute. While Charlie’s imagination would have normally alerted him to even ridiculously unnecessary fears, it renders him, “helpless in the face of charging, unimaginary bosoms.” The Beta Male lust has its ups and downs.

Reliability
Perhaps the single attractive trait of the Beta Male is his unflinching reliability. He is generally loyal and makes a good friend and husband. Charlie Asher, for instance, makes a remarkable father for Luminatus and toddler Sophie Asher, jumping through hoops to protect her from the dark forces of the underworld and prevent her from becoming a shiksa. Asher’s friend and fellow Beta Male Minty Fresh also displays a remarkable bout of loyalty when he saves Charlie from a dual attack of sewer harpies and vicious, finely-dressed chimeras. Minty, driving his 1957 Cadillac Eldorado Brougham, runs over the harpies and drives Charlie to safety. A Beta is a friend on whom one can depend.

Special Cases
By definition, Beta Males are the stage crew of society. They are not the heroes, they don’t save the day, they never get the girl. It is for this reason that the recent heroics of grade A Beta Male Charlie Asher have generated such a stir in some circles of anthropological academia. When the Morrigan steal Charlie’s wife’s soul and threaten to take over San Francisco, Charlie steps up to bat and takes it on himself to take on the underworld. Stranger still, he succeeds.

Has Charlie’s valor debunked the Moore Hypothesis? Has this Beta Male crossed his alphabetical origins, evolving to Alpha?

No. Charlie Asher’s act of glory is exactly what you would expect to get when you cross the Three Key Beta Male Traits in the right ratios. Charlie’s imagination leads him to believe a quintessential Beta fallacy—that he is the Luminatus. His courage in facing the Morrigan is derived from Charlie’s deluded belief that he has some sort of special protection as “big D” Death. Further swayed by the allure of impressing his new sweetheart Audrey (l'ust) and protecting friends and family (reliability'), Charlie charges head-on into the realms of sewer hell. With only a sword-cane and army of undead rodent creature, Charlie fights the Morrigan, and then, at the apex of his battle, does something that is completely, utterly, and perfectly “big B” Beta Male--he's saved by an Alpha. Just as Neiman raises her poison-drenched claws to skewer Charlie, in walks spunky six-year-old Sophie, Luminatus and Alpha Female of all Alphas. With one wave of her hand, the Morrigan disappear. “I had to fix this,” she says, matter-of-factly. So, all in all, Charlie Asher has done exactly what a good Beta should do—lie on the puddle so the Alpha can walk over him to victory. After all, it is on his Beta bearings that the machinery of the world turns.