User:DarkFalls/1947 Sydney hailstorm

"The supercell moved from the west to the east across the Sydney metropolitan area" is an awkward sentence; doesn't flow fluently. 	oh, the lead is trash 	ignore it :)	 	meh...		given ill need to rewrite the whole lead to make it BIGGER, sentences like that will turn into two sentences with more detail :) Daniel-Away: "The variation of air temperature in the atmosphere with warm and humid air close to the ground and colder air above it" Unless I'm mistaken, a comma is needed between atmosphere and with. or a semi-colon after reading the whole of the sentence :-S "Hailstorms have had a history of significant damage in Australia" The "have" is redundant. "Sydney in 1986, 1990 and 1999, as well as Brisbane in 1985" Link to hailstorm would help and generate more understanding. "four hailstorms feature on the top ten list of most insured damages caused by a single natural disaster" is another very rough sentence. "Many Sydneysiders were retreating" change in tense... Daniel-Bryant: "While the Bureau were observing the storm cell, it was dropping hailstones the size of billiard balls across the south-western suburbs of Sydney." - It might not be intended but the sentence contains some crude irony, and is misleading. 	indeed It feels as if the article is implying that the Bureau is simply watching the hailstorm drinking vodka and laughing as it hit people on the head... well you get the idea. 	darkfalls: they were :)		well, they didnt have the tech to do anything	 	NPOV!!!!		so they watched doing nothing as it hit people on the head	 	Daniel-Bryant: "Large explosion-like sounds" eh no...		er, thats exactly what my source says	 	well then that source is deluded...		maybe. 	explosion-like belongs to a book giggyaway should read... not in an encyclopedic article...	 	Daniel-Bryant: "The suburbs most seriously affected were Surry Hills, south of the central district, as well as Bondi and Rose Bay in the Waverly region which were struck at around 2:40 pm." expand and make that into two different sentences		yep		i didnt write this in the expansive fluff style that i normally do	 	Daniel-Bryant: "No amounts—official or estimated—exist for the amount of damage caused by the 1947 hailstorm, although historical accounts exist for damage caused to certain buildings." The "exist" seems awfully repetitive even though it's been used twice. 	ok "The historic skylight" what historical skylight? why is it historical? 	erm, the historic skylight that is on the national heritage roll 	and has been in the main concourse since pre-1900 Daniel-Bryant: Has it been repaired etc.		darkfalls: yeah then write it down. 	ive got a book at home which will have some details. it needs more explanation... "The convertible cars which were in fashion at the time of the storm also sustained severe damage, mainly punctures to the soft-top roofs, and trams that ran through the eastern suburbs at the time also incurred notable damage." dodgy... why were punctures to the roof considered "severe"? <Daniel-Bryant>	what, split into two? <Daniel-Bryant>	erm, because generally mesh doesn't enjoy having 3 lb rocks fall through it at 100kmh ...	 	it's not exactly hard to repair a soft-top... not that I know... having never been able to afford one :~(	 	Daniel-Bryant: The first "also" is redundant.	<Daniel-Bryant>	true	 	Daniel-Bryant: "The vast majority of these injuries" These? The injuries have not been mentioned once in the article before then.	 	(not including the lead)	<Daniel-Bryant>	the*	 	Daniel-Bryant: "The storm caused around 1000 injuries, with at least 350 people requiring hospitalisation or other medical attention." is only mentioned in the lead.
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