User:Dbphu/First Nation of Na-Cho Nyak Dun/Hanniefarah Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Dbphu


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Dbphu/First_Nation_of_Na-Cho_Nyak_Dun?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * First Nation of Na-Cho Nyak Dun

Evaluate the drafted changes
The first sentence of your draft is copied from the original article which I see you linked. Unfortunately since our draft has to be all in our own words this is plagiarism even though it's linked. I would suggest taking it out and just leaving your second sentence there in the lead. I think it is inferred that the sentences, "Members of the First Nation of Na-Cho Nyak Dun claim Gwich'in ancestry from the north and Dene ancestry from the east along with their Northern Tutchone ancestry. " are a continuation of the original lead, so you could just title it Lead.

As a new set of eyes reading your article for the first time I did see some grammatical errors. This sentence, "Members of the First Nation of Na-Cho Nyak Dun claim Gwich'in ancestry from the north and Dene ancestry from the east along with their Northern Tutchone ancestry," could use a comma or two, or maybe turn it into two sentences because it is hard to follow at first read. Also it sounds like a run-on sentence that can be easily fixed.

In the sentence "It was not until 1903 when the the town of Mayo was established," the word "the" is used twice in a row.

"The Mayo Indian band was organized in the 1950's and would later renamed themselves in the 1980's to the Na-cho Nyak Dun. " Renamed should be changed to "rename".

"Responsibilities of the Northern Tutchone Tribal Council include dealing with issues and and matters that affect their shared vision and resources.

" "And" is used twice in a row here as well.

"The critical issues of the time were self-government and retention of aboriginal rights which were eventually include in agreements made in 1993. " Include should be included.

"The final agreement was signed on May 29th, 1993 and follows the Umbrella Final Agreement and affirms the rights and benefits of the Na-cho Nyak Dun within in their own territory." I would take out "in" after within because it is redundant. In the following sentence after that, Dun in Na-cho Nyak Dun is not capitalized.

In the last sentence under Mining I think "keno hill" should be capitalized. First sentence under Environment "On August 22. 2019" the period should be a comma.

The sentence, "Originally in 2014, the Yukon territorial government wanted to mining in 70 percent of the watershed," is hard to follow. I am not sure what you are trying to say here, maybe rewording it would make it more understandable.

Under Environment in the last sentence, "natural state. preserving" the period should be a comma.

If you can find more info on First Nation of Nacho Nyak Dun Self-Government Agreement (1993) (which I understand can be very difficult) I think it would be beneficial to add instead of having just one sentence on it.

Overall I am extremely impressed by your first draft. Other than the easily fixable grammatical errors you are on track to have a strong article. I like the various sections you added. It was very informative and I am surprised you were able to find so much info on your topic. You stayed neutral throughout the entirety of it. If you could possibly find any images or graphics that would make it even better, but if not that is totally understandable. Great job so far!