User:Desmondx2000/Pende people/Rocko Lunchbox Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Desmondx2000


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Desmondx2000/Pende_people?preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Pende people

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

Lead Section: The lead hasn't been updated to include additional content, but I'm honestly not sure if it needs to be? I know the lead needs to be a summary of everything in the article but I'm honestly unsure if the additions made need to be here. Maybe include a quick sentence about the Pende believing in reincarnation since that's a concise factoid to add, but I don't think the details you provided on architecture need to be apart of the lead so don't worry about that.

Tone and Balance: Your tone is good, and it's good you're filling out the arts and culture section specifically in comparison to the massive history section.

Content: Both of your additions so far are both informative and written within Wikipedia's standards. I think the section written on architecture can be a little hard to follow sometimes, and I'd suggest rewriting it to be a little less flowery. Something like

"In Easter Pende culture their are residential buildings called kibulu, made from brick, reed, bark, and other vegetal materials. While most kibulu have square roofs, the kibulu of cheiftens have a domed roof along with sculptural adornments. This visual aesthetic relates to prestige and carries ritualistic meaning as well as function. Since a kibulu is made out of materials that will soon perish, the kibulu is a representation of impermanence, while in contrast its aesthetic qualities convey the power of a ranked official. Since they can hold power objects, a kibulu must be regularly destroyed and new one is built in its place."

It doesn't have to be exactly this but I recommend definitely rewording your whole section there. Try to make each sentence as direct and brief as possible since most people are skimming articles for information and will get stuck weeding through essay like phrasing.

Sources: Your sources are all good so far. A lot of the stuff in the rest of the article is from 1931, as well as translated from another language, so if you have the time I'd maybe look into that a little, but don't worry about it if you don't. Worse comes to worse you can just flag it on the talk page.

Organization: Your organization is good so far, I don't think there's really anything that needs to be changed. As long as you keep filling out the arts and culture section it should be relatively balanced too.

So overall I think you've got a good start here. Just be careful with the way you write things out, remember you're not writing an essay so it doesn't need to be padded out or anything. Just speak directly about the subject and the reader will be happy. (don't worry I struggled with the same thing)