User:Dimahal/Environmental issues in the Philippines/Ksullivan0 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing
 * Dimahal
 * User:Dimahal/Environmental issues in the Philippines/Bibliography
 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Dimahal: Environmental issues in the Philippines


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Environmental issues in the Philippines

Evaluate the drafted changes
Overall you did a wonderful job merging the existing lead with the new content you used to update the paragraph. You also did a nice job hyperlinking all of the things you mentioned so readers can learn more about each topic.

You kept your tone fairly neutral and there was only one thing I thought needed work. You have “One of the largest of these concerns is the exacerbation the natural disasters, like earthquakes, typhoons, and volcanic eruptions, that the area is prone to due to its geographic location on the Pacific Ring of Fire.” The information is all good but I think the flow could benefit from adding "exacerbation of the natural disasters..."

Well the rest of your lead is wonderful and functional as is I have listed some alternative ways to structure some of your sentences. Just things to think about!

- “ partly as a result of major infrastructure and residential area proximity to the coast and unreliable government support"


 * Could be reworded to something like “due to the close proximity of major infrastructure and residential areas to the coast

- “Philippine politicians have demonstrated environmental crises awareness with the passing of policies like The Clean Air Act of 1999, the Philippine Clean Water Act of 2004, the Climate Change Act of 2009, and participation in the Paris Agreement, however, research has found that outside of cities, the general public doesn't feel equally informed [1][2].”


 * Philippine politicians have demonstrated awareness of environmental crises with the…
 * You could split the sentence into two pieces by having a period before however. "in the Paris Agreement. However, research.."

-Environmental activists and land defenders, comprising mostly of Indigenous communities, who have been attempting to bring attention to the environmental issues in the country have been met with violence or murder, as a result, the Philippines has been ranked one of the most dangerous places in the world for environmental activists [1][2].

Response: Thank you for your feedback, I updated everything to reflect your suggestions ~ Dimahal
 * Could do “Environmental activists and land defenders, comprising mostly of Indigenous communities who have been attempting to bring attention to the environmental issues in the country have been met with violence or murder. As a result, the Philippines has been ranked one of the most dangerous places in the world for environmental activists”
 * Could do “Environmental activists and land defenders, comprising mostly of Indigenous communities, have been attempting to bring attention to the environmental issues in the country, and have been met with violence or murder. As a result, the Philippines has been ranked one of the most dangerous places in the world for environmental activists”