User:Dlangberg/sandbox

Alexandra "Dolly" Langberg (born August 4th 1993) is a British Pharmacist best know for inventing the cure for that condition people get when they touch the damp patch in the celling even after the Doctor tells them not to. Other than being a Nobel prize winning scientist, Alex is one of Broadway's highest paid stage actresses earning more than Barbra Streisand in their last production together, "Schindler's Lifts".

Pharmacy
When asked why she decided on a career in Pharmacy on The Graham Notron Show (series 15, episode 11), Langberg simply replied "I needed 24/7 access to drugs to fuel my addiction to prescription medication". She would proceed to offer co-guest Dame Judi Dench a bottle of Vicodin she had swiped from the lab earlier that day. Dame Judi politely declined. Alex was made world famous when she published her dissertation outlining a cure for the fictional condition contracted from touching energy from a time engine (as seen in BBC's Doctor Who). The cure, which consisted mainly of rotting tea bags (as demonstrated first in the TV show itself) was the subject of controversy as it completely bypassed animal testing and went straight into testing on humans. Tens of people died during Langberg's experiments on which she commented "I am deeply saddened by passing of these *people*, but I fully believe that the ends will justify the means". The cure, titled "Dolly's Death-Avoiding Drug" or DDD is now fully approved by the NHS in the UK, and FDA approved in the United States.

Stage Career
After earning many millions in revenue from DDD, Langberg put her pharmacy interests on hiatus and focused her attention on her new career on Broadway. Having auditioned for Tim Burton's stage production of Disney's The Little Mermaid (in which Ariel was portrayed as a paranoid schizophrenic) with WWE Superstar, Jordan Adams (using their own rendition of "Dayumn" as their audition piece), Langberg was propelled into the spotlight. After just one week of her debut show opening, she was reportedly receiving scripts from almost every writer on the planet, including a piece Nelson Mandela constructed personally. Langberg's stage career was put on hold recently however. During an otherwise flawless performance of "Pocahontas" (directed by Quentin Tarantino), Alex noticed a patron on the 5th from front row texting on a phone. It was at which point she halted the show and attacked the audience member with a fillet of fish prop which was in fact made from lead, causing serious head injuries the victim. When showbiz blogger Perez Hiltion (ew) asked for a comment, Langberg replied "This was no fit of rage, you disrespect me by being on your phone during one of my performances and you will leave the building with a subdural hematoma".

Feminist Ideology
Langberg has drawn criticism from mainstream feminist commentators for her "extreme" ideology. In an interview with Forbes magazine, for a piece on the richest women of 2013, Langberg said "I just think women are fab," before beginning on a disturbing tirade "and men are filthy, stinking animals that belong in cages. The only thing they're good for is their reproductive organs and even those are more of than not sub-par to say the least. There are a couple of hot dudes at my Hillary Clinton appreciation club but even so, I'd happily see them put down like the dogs they are. Don't get me wrong, I'm a strong, independent heterosexual woman so I'm all about the fellas, but I subscribe wholeheartedly to practices of certain spiders, such as the Black Widow. As soon as I'm done with a guy I am going to paralyse him and eat him. Alive. I'd cut his dick off first though because that thing is a disgusting man thing which I hate, as I think I may have mentioned. Why? 'Cos I'm a bad bitch that's why. I've found that whatever I don't manage in the initial sitting makes for a lovely breakfast the next day." Traumatised by what she had just heard, the Forbes writer quickly called the police who arrived at the scene at 12:30 on Monday, December 4th 2013. In the resulting cannibalism trial, which was highly covered by Australian press (as they had nothing interesting going that week in their own country), Langberg was found innocent on all counts. This came at quite a shock to the Australian press who were sure of a conviction given the seemingly concrete evidence against her, namely the human flesh stored in her freezer. Indeed the freezer bags found in Langberg's Cardiff mansion, "The House of Cats and Shame", Splott, were labelled "Tom - Gym Instructor. Medium Rare", "Harry - Dude From Club. Rare. (Bit Chewy)". Her defence argued that these bags were simply props for her upcoming Halloween themed film entitled "Dudes I've Killed and Eaten: A Dolly Langberg Biopic Based Entirely on True Events". The judge was satisfied with this. As were the jury of cats. Cats had been used as a jury as Langberg's legal team claimed that a jury of humans would not satisfy the right to a "jury of peers" as Langberg identifies only with cats and to discriminate based on which peers she identifies with would be a breach of human rights and it if they didn't comply they would be deemed communists.