User:Dpbsmith/rank

If people relied on Wikipedia articles, here is how the college selection procedure would go*

Dean Puschleigh: So, Johnny, what are your thoughts about college?

Johnny: I wanna go to film school! Film school! I wanna apply to USC or UCLA.

Dean Puschleigh: You'd like to be the next Steven Spielberg? [Avuncular chuckle]

Johnny: No. Antonioni, maybe, or Ingmar Bergman.

Dean Puschleigh: Who? Anyway, Johnny, you can do better than those schools. You have a 3.98 GPA&mdash;

Daddy: Down to 3.98??? Johnny, you've got to buckle down and quit wasting time hanging around with those bad companions at the Coolidge Corner Cinema.

Dean Puschleigh: Oh, but his extracurricular activities will count in his favor. Started the Film Club and is President. Produced his own soap opera in our Media Center. And that cable access show he runs... I think he can shoot high.

Mommy: We were thinking Harvard, Dean Puschleigh. After all, U.S. News and World Report ranks it number 1. And his great-uncle went there.

Johnny: How's their film school?

Mommy: Johnny! It's Harvard! They're Number 1. In everything!

Johnny: Would I get hands-on time with a real Mitchell at Harvard, or just an Arri?

Mommy: I'm sure that whatever Harvard does must be for the best. They have the largest endowment. In the world!

Dean Puschleigh: Well, ma'am, us guidance professionals don't put quite so much stock in U.S. News as the lay public does. Actually, Harvard is not really all that good. Look. The Atlantic Monthly says MIT is the most selective. And the Washington Monthly, which is what we all rely on, says MIT is the best school in the U.S.. My job is to get kids placed into the best schools I can, so I think little Johnny should apply to MIT. His second choice could be one of those good little schools like Swarthmore, and, of course, U Mass as his safety.

Johnny: How's MIT's film school?

Dean Puschleigh: I don't know... but the important thing is that MIT is very selective...

Daddy: It's OK, Johnny, I've heard they have some kind of "media lab" there. That must be what they call their film school.

Dean Puschleigh: OK, it's settled. NEXT!

Dean Puschleigh: So, Billy, have you thought about college?

Billy: MIT! MIT! I wanna to go to MIT!

Dean Puschleigh: You want to be the next Bill Gates? [Avuncular laugh]

Billy: I dream of being like Marvin Minsky. Marvin Minsky is my hero! And it would be way cool to build a computer like Jay W. Forrester did. Or ride a unicycle down the hallway like Claude Shannon. I know I could never really be like them, but&mdash;

Dean Puschleigh: Who? Anyway, I don't think MIT is a possibility for you, Billy. The Atlantic Monthly says MIT is the most selective university in the U.S. Your GPA is only 3.92.

Daddy: Billy, you've got to buckle down! Your only good grades are in math and science. Look at this: a B+ in English! A B+! You have to quit spending so much time reading those trashy Donald Knuth books and more time really digging into To Kill a Mockingbird.

Dean Puschleigh: I don't see much here in the way of extracurricular activities to offset that 3.92. Frankly, Mr. Jones, Billy is a geeky little nerd. He's just not well-rounded. He isn't on any teams, isn't in any clubs. And of course there was that little trouble with Homeland Security about that explosive device he built. No top school would want him. Certainly not MIT, which according to the Washington Monthly is the best school in the U.S.

Mommy: (sobs) What will we do? What can I say to my friends? We just have to get Billy into a prestigious college.

Dean Puschleigh: Well, let's see. Maybe he could get into Reed.

Mommy: (horrified) Reed? Reed? Reed hasn't got any prestige.

Dean Puschleigh: Reed's not so bad. Reed has a little bit of prestige. Plus they have a reputation for tolerating oddballs and misfits.

Mommy: Could we at least get him into Williams? Williams isn't as prestigious as MIT, but it's got more prestige than Reed.

Billy: How's Williams' comp sci department?

Mommy: Billy, Williams is a little Ivy. Why, Garfield graduated from Williams.

Billy: Eugene Garfield, the information scientist? Kewl!

Mommy: No, James A. Garfield, President of the United States in 1881

Billy: Aw, shucks, that was before ENIAC, even.

Dean Puschleigh: OK, OK, Williams for his "stretch." Then Reed, and, of course, U Mass for his safety. But please don't embarrass me by applying to MIT.

(Exeunt family, sobbing)

* In case it's not clear, this is satirizing the out-of-control Academic boosterism rampant on Wikipedia, and the tendency of every college article to degenerate into assertions of "prestige," selective citations of lists on which the school is highly ranked--U. S. News if possible, but Washington Monthly if necessary. Nor can these articles be balanced by any indication of strengths and weakness because no weakness are ever conceded. Dpbsmith (talk) 11:56, 29 October 2005 (UTC)