User:Eggiee!/Amduat/Hippolotamus Peer Review

General info
Eggiee!
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing:User:Eggiee!/Amduat
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists):Amduat

Evaluate the drafted changes
·      Lead Section

o  Additional hyperlink to Old Kingdom – (like with the New kingdom hyperlink)

o  Same FIP

o  “Similar to previous funerary texts, such as the Old Kingdom of Egypt’s Pyramid Texts, or the First Intermediate Period of Egypt’s Coffin Texts, the Amduat was found carved on the internal walls of a pharaoh's tomb.” This is a good comparison to other existing funerary texts, but phrasing seems a little clunky. Maybe instead of adding the OK or FIP it could just list the two texts. (in which case, you wouldn’t need the hyperlink but just a suggestion.)

o  The second paragraph is great. I like the clarification of what it means with the sun setting and rising again.

o  Third paragraph also great clarification and addition of the information need for his soul

o  Last paragraph also good additions but a little bit of a run on. Maybe consider turning it into 2 separate thoughts. The earliest fragments being one sentence, and then the end sentence being about the complete version.

o  Great additions to the lead section. Adds clarity that was missing from the original article. The first paragraph could use a citation, but otherwise, great information added.

·      Clarity of Article structure

o  Great expansion of the Hours of the Amduat as there is so much information being portrayed in each register depicted.

o  I like that you put an explanation of the Amduat before delving into what each hour represents

o  I was unaware of Amduat style tombs, so that was a welcome addition to the article

·      Coverage balance

o  I agree with your comment that it is very visual, so more pictures would be welcome. Maybe from the additional tombs where it was found if possible. I know they can be tricky to source

o  Information all seems relevant and in an order that makes sense for importance, with the Hours being the most important part of the Amduat

·      Content neutrality

o  In the section of Amduat tombs, you mention that historians Hornung and Abitz attempt to explain the style but then don’t expand on what their theories are but in the next sub section, you give examples of what Roehrig and Richter theorize.

§ In the interest of adding multiple perspectives, it might be nice to add the additional theories if they are known.

·      Sources

o  I think the sources you used make sense for the content of the article

o  Information is cited well throughout the article.

o  My only thought is the Barbara Richter article is cited multiple times like you created multiple entries, instead of reusing the citation that was created the first time. (but maybe check with Christine if this is bad or not)