User:Elliek22/Human Rights in Qatar/Jessie886 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Elliek22


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Elliek22/Human_Rights_in_Qatar?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Evaluate the drafted changes
I think to further guide the page, having statistics out at the front of the proportion about language would be useful in guiding readers along. In regards to neutrality, there are some more normative statements in the draft (e.g. "crazy" or "imagine") and in place of those terms, I would perhaps just provide a policy example or a news event to demonstrate the pervasiveness of the problem. I believe a good general rule of thumb is to check if a sentence seems to be calling the readers to a certain action and deviates from news reporting. As for the content, I think you did a good job finding different supporting evidence from healthcare, languages, and even mental health, which seems to be a less spoken topic on Wikipedia even. Lastly, I understand you are adding a section in a larger page, and it seems to be a human rights page. I would perhaps start with the first few sentences of the paragraph detailing what specific right is of concern (e.g. right to education to learn the local languages or minority rights legally unprotected). That way, it would be better to just state the topic at hand and then go in detail with your evidence.