User:Emmacmckee/Am Olam/Blue maple tree Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Emmacmckee


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Emmacmckee/Am Olam

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

Lead: Overall very good lead, my only critique would be to maybe mention they faced challenges as you have a whole section later on about them.

Background:

Conditions in the Russian Empire : Maybe cut out that "conditions for jews improved marginally" because that feels like it might be subjective? Does it matter that some of the revolutionaries who murdered Alexander II were Jewish-what does knowing that add? It feels like a big jump from the murder of Alexander II to the pogroms- maybe add a little bit more of a transition-"another wave of antisemitism in the Russian empire began as pogroms".

Response from Jewish Intellectuals in Russia : The list at the end of the sentence talking about Baron Hirsch should be rearranged. There are a lot of commas and I'm not sure what is associated with what- was the Bill movement the same as the movement to farm in Argentina? In the sentence about the creators of Am Olam maybe say "have agricultural experience themselves" instead of "themselves have agricultural experience" but I think it'll be fine if you leave it as is.

Arrival in the U.S.

Overview: Orthodox Jew should be capitalized. Maybe clarify the second to last sentence more- set up in the style of commercial farms or a commercial colony? If a commercial colony, what is that? Maybe also add a size range into the overview- the colonies ranged from ___ families up to ____blank families.

Louisiana: Take out the "They went and" and turn it to something like "they settled the ...". Was this colony abandoned after the flood? did they try again somewhere else? where did the people go?

South Dakota: Oh I see now, maybe mention that in the above section too. Rearrange the sentence about the economic failure so the reader knows what they're going to read the causes for before the list starts. What is just a few miles? .5 miles? 3 miles? 10 miles? 50 miles? Start a new paragraph under this subheading for the Bethlehem Yehudah colony. This colony was only young, single men? That feels like its doomed to fail before it even begins, weird (just an observation I trust your research).

Kansas: What was Sholem? It should get its own heading/paragraph for a NY settlement. Was Beersheba settled by the people inspired by Sholem? Start a new paragraph for Montefiore, take out the secondly. Make clearer that Lasker colony was different than Montefiore colony and didn't stem from it.

Oregon: motto not modo

Common Challenges Faced by Am Olam Communes:

replace profitability with make a profit by selling their products. Rearrange/rephrase the sentence about common problems faced by Am Olam and make a new sentence for the harsh weather conditions. It feels like the last sentence is randomly dropped there, maybe add some transition sentences or use it to start a new paragraph.

Overall, you have a lot of really great information and it seems like a lot of solid sources. I would focus on formatting and going back through and making things clearer as we move closer to final drafts.