User:Epickerill/Ivy League/Pap19 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Username: Epickerill


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Epickerill/Ivy League
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Ivy League

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)


 * 19th and 20th Centuries Suggestions
 * The first paragraph of this section I think could be worded differently to make it more efficient and fluent for the reader. You write that most ivy leagues had not accepted students until the later decades of the 29th century. However, before you mention this you write that black students were admitted to many Ivy League schools from 1808 and as late as 1949. If you are going​​ to say that most schools did not accept black students until the late 19th century, I think that the time span you give in the second sentence is too broad and confuses the reader.
 * Maybe instead indicate which Ivy League School was first to accept a black individual into their institution and then focus on the late 19th century - instead of giving the broad timeline from 1808 to 1949.
 * “Accepting Black students became more common after World War I and World War for Princeton and Columbia”. This phrase could be implemented to flow better with the sentence that comes before it.
 * If you could link the wiki page for what a “BIPOC” and what a “PWI” is I think that would be very helpful to viewers since these are short acronyms you are using that people might not know.
 * “All 8 of the Ivy League Institutions remained hard to reach at this point. Although institutions including Harvard and Cornell, other institutions were unwelcoming, including Princeton”. This sentence is confusing and can be combined because I think that the first sentence is kind of just there and has no significance to the overall meaning of the paragraph unless you link it directly to the second sentence.
 * When you give the three examples of Cornell, Princeton and Harvard I think that you should break them up into subsections within the “19th and 20 centuries” title. I think this because it gets confusing when you reference all of them so abruptly and in a cluster.


 * Late 20th Century Suggestions
 * I like how you set up examples of how institutions were improving with diversity and then nicely implemented the Brown vs. Board of Education case.
 * The second paragraph about black undergraduate activism is a nice way to tie how the overall community has helped strive for inclusion within these universities.
 * 21st Century Suggestions
 * The first sentence is not needed and could be combined with the second sentence in the first paragraph. I think that you could start straight away with the facts.
 * Throughout the Piece
 * You stayed neutral throughout all of the edits.
 * This historical background that you added is crucial in shaping how the Ivy League has changed its foundational ways over these centuries.
 * My biggest suggestion would be to go through line by line and see what sentences do not make an impact in explaining the historical presence in the Ivy League. I think a lot of sentences could be combined to flow better and to make the facts more concise.