User:Erik the Appreciator/The Jokery

{|border="1" width="70% style="border:2px solid #a3bfb1; background-color: #E0FFFF; -moz-border-radius:15px" width="100%"

Prior Jokes
''This is a compendium of all the jokes I have posted on my Routine Joke Feature section on my main userpage. It's just for posterity.'' Erik Jensen (I appreciate talk!) 23:42, 3 September 2006 (UTC)


 * Knock knock. 
 * Who's there?
 * Lucario.
 * Lucario who?
 * Lucario the son of Anakin?


 * Knock knock. 
 * Who's there?
 * YoJimbo.
 * YoJimbo who?
 * YoJimbo, how do you plan on getting anything on Wikipedia in print!?


 * Knock knock. 
 * Who's there?
 * Alex.
 * Alex who?
 * Uh, Alex-plain it later, you don't understand.


 * Knock knock. 
 * Who's there?
 * Ivan
 * Ivan who?
 * Ivan over at San Carlos the last week.

What's black and white and red all over? A decapitated Absol!

Why is Pikachu not as popular with women as one would expect? Because it likes to Pikachu in the shower!

Actual text bites from Golden Sun games:
 * "Baba babubu." -Eoleo
 * "Neener neener neener! Neener neener neener! Neener neener bleah!" -Briggs
 * "Hroom!" -Tret
 * "Babu bawaba bibaw." -Ahri
 * "Hoolaballo! Ballabahoo! Hoolabaloola!" -Shaman Village fortune teller
 * "Felix gave a Hard Nut to Sheba." -in-game text message.

Now presenting a Golden Sun variation on an all-too-well-known catchphrase… What do you think? It’s my gift to you this Mother’s Day weekend.
 * ”Prepare for trouble!”
 * ”And make it double!”
 * ”To protect the world from devestation!”
 * ”To save the people within our nation!”
 * ”To restore the world from an age of glum!”
 * ”To begin our quest in Sol Sanctum!”
 * ”Menardi!”
 * ”Saturos!”
 * ”Team Prox restores Alchemy with might!”
 * ”Bring it on, whelp, and prepare to fight!”

This line from the Disney's California Adventure article gave me a chuckle...


 * The Sunshine Plaza will be demolished along with the Golden Sun icon, and a new theater will be built there, also in the new style of themeing, to house the "Golden Dreams" film which currently plays in another area of the park in an over-sized theater.

How dare Mickey Mouse upstage my Felix!

And this... I don't know, is this really encyclopedic? Hard to believe anyone could edit it with a straight face.

I try to look at the world from a practical view. Most other people would say "How do you do" when greeting people without realizing that they can be taken aback if their victim says "How do I do what?" But one can always feel smarter about oneself if he or she tries to look past the nuances of our society and try demonstrating what is found to friends to gauge reaction. After all, if Erik the Appreciator (that's me!) walked into a bar, do you know what he would say?


 * "Ow! @#$%!!!"

I’m sure you’ve all been aware of the Random Article feature that is on the left side of your screen, and that clicking it brings up a Wikipedia article completely at random. On the surface this seems to be an interesting way of exploring this vast resource of a site, and it is, but maybe not for entirely positive reasons: Much of the time you get nothing but cr@p. So I decided to click for 10 random articles and investigate their content. The results are below:


 * Wye Marsh Wildlife Centre: Ugh, it's one sentence.
 * History of Antarctica: This is pretty good.
 * Endodermis: This actually deserves some expansion.
 * Jefferson Barracks Military Post: Fair enough.
 * Adelaide Southern Veloway: Welle, it's just a roade!
 * List of colonial governors in 1725: Ergh, this is abominable. Prime target for mergist Wikipedians.
 * Roman Catholicism in Mauritius: I figured as much.
 * Mexico at the 2006 Winter Paralympics: Well, no need for this as an article separate from the main one, right?
 * Ammonite Order: A construction style no one knows about, apparently.
 * Jan DeGaetani: It's the right size of article for an obscure person.

Well, maybe this doesn’t prove much of anything. But none of the above pages listed can beat my personal favorite: List of ship commissionings in 1964.

WARNING: Today’s Golden Sun-centric joke is of a really low-brow nature.


 * One afternoon, Jenna was at home, finishing up a letter that she was sending out to Garet who was over at the town of Kalay down south. As she looked over her letter as her brother Felix passed by while heading out the door, Jenna noted out loud, “Oh, I’m missing my period.” And Felix’s body slumped to the floor.

Team Rocket on Safari

One afternoon, Jessie and James of Team Rocket were out hunting Stantler in the Safari zone. Suddenly, a guy in a Stantler costume popped out from a bush saying “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I’m not a deer!” And James shot him – BANG!!! – dead. Flabbergasted, Jessie yelled, “James, why did you shoot that guy!? He said he wasn’t a deer!” And James, perplexed, defended, “Oh, uh. I thought he said he was a deer.” It was his mistake; he had just misheard the guy.

Later in their expedition, Jessie suddenly collapsed to the ground unconscious from mysterious circumstances. Perplexed, James called their boss Giovanni by cell phone and explained what happened to Jessie, and requested that she be airlifted by TR helicopter. Giovanni retorted, “In Team Rocket we don't airlift someone who isn’t dead. Go and make sure she’s dead before I send one of my choppers.” James agreed and set the cell phone down. A short while later, Giovanni heard a loud musket rifle shot over the phone. Then James picked it up and said: “Okay, now what?”

Now Playing Grand Theft Auto

Currently, I am playing none other than Grand Theft Auto: Vice City for PS2. You probably weren’t expecting that from a Nintendo fan, but in order to have an opinion on this controversial game, I gotta see it for myself. And honestly, it’s quite interesting gameplay-wise, and I don’t mind the theme either, even though the theme in GTA games is what the controversy around them is always based on. For you Nintendo fans wondering how brutal the game can allow for, I’ll try explaining the gist of a typical GTA mission in Golden Sun terms:

As the player, you rendezvous with Felix in the middle of the night at the outskirts of the main town, Vale, and he explains that he’s been cheated of some money by Garet, so he assigns you to first pilfer Garet’s sword, then go over and murder Felix’s own sister Jenna sleeping in Felix’s house with the sword and leave it by her bed, in effect framing Garet for a brutal crime. You must be swift and silent; otherwise, the sleeping Valeans will know that it is an imposter and will decapitate you on sight. Once Garet is convicted and imprisoned the next day, Felix’s grieving family will gain monetary recompense for their tragedy, and he will share some of his rewards with you. Mission accomplished. Now only 99 more gruesome activities under various other mob bosses such as Kraden smoking a cigar, the mayor of Alhafra and his vendetta against rival pirates, and Kalay's secret drug trade with Lunpa, until you have double-crossed and overthrown the last boss Alex himself and rule over what's left of Weyard with the Golden Sun now in your possession!

Makes you want to play GTA right now, eh? Hee hee.

Capitalism 101.5

Under Capitalism, you have two cows. They breed with each other, they multiply, the herd grows, you sell them off, and then you retire on the income.

Under Enron-style capitalism, you have two cows. You sell three of them to your brother-in-law, who then sells you all four cows back with five cows in the annual report, which gives you a tax exemption for eight cows. (But of course, you wouldn't be aware of it at the time.)

Under Erik the Appreciator-style capitalism, you have ten cows but never get credit for more than eight of them.

Bachelors in the Pokémon world

Far in the future, after Jessie and James retired from Team Rocket to live as bachelors in an apartment somewhere in Saffron, old Jessie brought up some nostalgic feelings: "Ohh, do remember when we were young? You used to take my hand and kiss me on the cheek. And then you'd kinda nibble on my ear…" To which James responded, "Ohh, you bet. Let me go get my teeth." Jessie continued, "And remember the last time we had a mutual orgasm?" Confused, James retorted, "Mutual orgasm? No, we always had Allstate!"

Another time in the future, James thought Jessie was getting deaf, so standing at a table, he said, "Can you hear me, honey?" No response. So James walked a little closer to where Jessie was sitting and watching TV and said a little louder, "Can you hear me now, honey?" Still no response. So he right up to her and spoke right into her ear, "Can you hear me now, honey?"

"FOR THE THIRD TIME, YES!!!"

'''Once again: A dirty Golden Sun joke. You have been warned.'''

So Kyle walks into a bar. He has a drink and almost immediately notifies the bartender: "Hey, this isn't the 18-year-old scotch I ordered. It's only a 16-year-old scotch." The bartender says, "Oh, I am sorry sir." Kyle then orders, "Give me a 15-year-old bourbon." The bartender gives him that, and Kyle drinks that, but he blows it out of his mouth, saying, "What is this? This isn't fifteen year old bourbon! It's twelve year old bourbon. How dare you. Give me a glass of a 30-year-old scotch."

Then the old scholar Kraden walks up to where Kyle is sitting and hands him a cup of his own. "Here! How about a glass of this?" "Oh, what's this?" Kyle asked. With a smile, Kraden said, "It's for you. Go on, taste it." Kyle agreed for the heck of it and took a swig. But he violently blew it out of his mouth just the same, exclaiming, "Wha-what the hell is this!? This is human urine!"

And Kraden replied, "Right. Now tell me how old I am!"

Why Team Rocket won’t get promoted

When Jessie and James applied for membership in Team Rocket organization, among the various entrance exams required for them to take was the locating and pilferage of various treasures hidden below ground level. So they and the various other applicants that day were dispatched to a special Team Rocket training field to undertake the test.

The two decided to go to the wooded area of the field to search for treasure. Soon, they found a peculiar hole in the ground. Thinking they should investigate this hole to see how deep it is, they dropped a little rock into it, but they heard no sound. That was a little odd, so they picked up a bigger rock and heaved it into the hole and listened, but again they heard no sound. Jessie, not the type to give up, agreed with James to find an even heftier object to toss into the hole, so they looked around and found a heavy 3-foot-tall statue made of cement. They hauled it to the hole and pushed it inside where it dropped into the abyss. Still no sound!

And suddenly a Persian came sprinting by at a speed of 60 miles per hour and dove headfirst into the hole. And there was still no sound. Nothing.

Right afterwards, the president of Team Rocket organization, Giovanni, came by and called out to them, "Hey! Have you people seen my Persian around here?" James answered, "Well, there was a Persian that ran by just a moment ago and ran into this hole here."

"No," said Giovanni, "that was not my Persian! My Persian was tied to a cement statue!"

Now for a change of pace: A Castlevania joke.

So Soma Cruz's cell phone rang one day, and it was his business associate, Hammer. Hammer announced in a somewhat exasperated tone, "Hey, Soma! I'm calling you with my new army-loaned cell phone from on the freeway!" Soma said, "Uh, okay, that's nice. But I think you should be careful. I heard on my cell-radio that there's some nuthead over where you are that's driving the wrong way on the freeway."

To which Hammer replied, "One nuthead!? There's hundreds of them!!!"

Why Alex turned Evil (A slightly less perverted attempt at Golden Sun humor)

Shortly before the eruption of the Mt. Aleph volcano over at Vale, Alex of the northern town of Imil, who was quite a people-person at the time, got bored with playing the role of a healer to the town, so he decided to go camping further up north for a short while, near the colony of the Proxeans. Alex was in the wild for a full week, and no one came near him.

But then one day he heard some heavy footsteps outside his tent. Alex looked out and was greeted by the sight of a towering 7-foot-tall Proxean clad in green armor looking down at him. He had pale skin, turquoise scales, pointy ears, and an unsettlingly burly physique. This giant, named Agatio, greeted in his booming voice, "I'm here to welcome ye to the Proxean colony."

Alex replied, "Well, hi. …It's really nice to see you."

"I'm here to invite ye to a party."

"Well, I've been out here for seven days, and I haven't seen a soul. I'd be really delighted to go to a party."

"But I have to warn ye, it'll be a wild Proxean party. There's gonna be drinkin'…"

"Well, I like a little drop of Scotch, now and then… I can hold my own with the rest of them for drinking."

"And there's gonna be wild Proxean dancing."

"Well, when I was in dancing school, I was considered very light on my feet."

Visibly getting more excited, Agatio continued, "There's gonna be a fight. There's always a fight."

"Well, when I was under the Mercurian Bishop's tutelage, I was considered the boxing champion, so I can hold my own."

"And then there'll be sex. Wild Proxean sex."

"Well, I've been out here for a full week, and I haven't seen a soul. A little bit of that wouldn't be out of the question either. ...So what should I wear?"

"Just you come as you are, it's just gonna be you and me."

Oh look: A joke about Wikipedians!

Wikipedia was accepting applications for an assassin, and it narrowed its results down to three finalists: Jimbo Wales, A Man In Black, and HighwayCello. In the final test, each candidate was to go into a room containing an individual that gave that user much torment and assassinate that person. The test proctor, Deskana, handed Jimbo a gun and said, "Behind that door is Willy on Wheels: Go in there and kill him." Jimbo lowered his gun and said, "I can't." Then on A Man In Black's turn, Deskana handed him a gun and said, "Behind that door is Guettarda: Go in there and kill him." A Man In Black, out of character for someone who would try to destroy hundreds of Pokémon-related articles, lowered his gun and said, "I couldn't; that would be rogue of me."

On HighwayCello's turn, Deskana handed him a gun and said, "Behind that door is Minun: Go in there and kill him." And Highway flew into the room, slammed the door shut, and BANG! BANG! BANG! was heard. They heard screaming and crashing throughout the room. Soon, everything was quiet. Then Highway opened the door and announced: "Some idiot loaded the guns with blanks, so I had to strangle him."

My Jokes Advance Wars of Laughter.

What do you get when you click a Black Hole officer's ass? A Blue Moon officer.

Very corny, I'm sure. I'll do better below:

So COs from the various countries were headed toward a CO convention in the center of Omega Land and were taking trains over there. In one cabin in particular, the Green Earth COs Eagle and Javier were sitting across from the beautiful COs of Orange Star, Nell and her younger sister Rachel. As the train entered a tunnel, an audible kissing sound was heard in that cabin, followed by an audible slap. When the train exited the tunnel, this was what was on each CO’s mind:


 * Nell: “Javier tried to steal a kiss from my sister!”
 * Rachel: “Javier tried to kiss me but kissed Nell by mistake!”
 * Eagle: “Javier stole a kiss and I was the one who got slapped for it!”
 * Javier: “Not bad! I just kiss the back of my hand, and then I get to hit Eagle! And oh, look, here comes another tunnel!”

Another Golden Sun bar joke.

So Kyle walks into the same bar again, many weeks after his distasteful encounter with Kraden, and after he has his drink he looks in his pocket and then orders another drink. He drinks that, then looks into his pocket again, and then has another drink, then looks into his pocket again, then has another drink, then looks into his pocket yet again.

Curious, the bartender asks, "So what do you have in your pocket?"

Kyle responds, "Well, it's a picture of my wife, Dora, and when she starts looking good to me I know it's time to go home."

Gender-issue jokes.

I see a lot of jokes which people believe to be of questionable taste, but are not questionable to me at all. ...Yeah, well. A sampler:


 * Did you know there there are female hormones in beer? Seems impossible but it makes sense! After all, you drink a lot of beer and you get fat, you talk a lot, you don't make much sense, you cry, and you can't drive a car.


 * Why do men pass gas more often than women? Because women never close their mouths long enough for the pressure to build up!


 * "I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. God says, "Very well, I will create for you a perfect companion. She's beautiful, gracious, polite, and will never say a harsh word." "Sounds great, God! What's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg." "That's pretty steep, what can I get for a rib?"

WoW, Seanbaby

Those of you who read EGM doubtless know how each issue has a Seanbaby-written section near the end, and it's supposed to be humorous and satirical about games and developers. And indeed it is, though I can't say I particularly enjoy it; most of it is either slandering everything MAD Magazine-style or just trying to be plain outrageous and obnoxious in place of being more subtly amusing and entertaining IMO. I bring the 'Baby up because here is an opportunity for me to demonstrate how I'd rather he wrote his material.

Recently, I bought Blizzard's Warcraft 3 Battle Chest which includes the game and its, shall I say, cold-seated expansion, and it's really great stuff, I tell you. Also included in the package, however, is the 14-day trial edition of World of Warcraft normally found separately in stores, either for free or sold for about $4.00. Thing is, the computer I use for gaming does not have an Internet connection (I have been editing Wikipedia through a laptop with a dial-up connection), so I was a bit taken aback when I went through the trouble of installing the game from that DVD and found that I couldn't do anything with the disc other than view the introductory FMV. The game does not have any sort of offline mode.

So anyway, if I was a freelance game reviewer who bought the DVD game disc for $4.00 unaware of what World of Warcraft actually was and was asked to write a review for the product, this is probably what I'd come up with:


 * Nice little World of Warcraft by Erik Jensen "the Appreciator"
 * Overall score: 9.0/10


 * Blizzard Entertainment sure loves its game worlds. WarCraft 2, Diablo, StarCraft, Diablo 2, Warcraft 3... That's five undisputed classics of the PC gaming world, and almost all of them have equally sensational expansion packs. That's not to mention the many Blizzard novels and other properties that Blizzard forges to deepen the mythologies and sate the fanbases of these megafranchises. So it is my honor to review a nice little product Blizzard crafted to remind the populace that it cares about keeping its mythologies fresh in the public mind's eye: A disc titled World of Warcraft, distributed in stores for only a few bucks, so everyone should get it.


 * What World of Warcraft pretty much is is a movie, made in the visual style of the FMV sequences found in Blizzard's recent games. After installing and running WoW, you are treated right away to the main feature. First, the words "Ten Years ...of Warcraft" appear onscreen, then a map of Warcraft's world of Azeroth appears as a female voice provides exposition of what has generally happened between the races of the world four years after the finale of The Frozen Throne. To be frank, this is a real nice touch, as there were many loose ends left open at the end of that expansion, so now we know that the various alliances forcefully forged at the end of Warcraft 3 do not last. Then the good stuff starts.


 * We first see a dwarf and its bear companion on a snowy mountaintop look upon some amazing architectural scenery embedded in a nearby peak; this reveals that the dwarves seen in the WarCraft games have tamed bears just like they did with gryphons. Then a strikingly beautiful Night Elf woman (who has blue skin) dashes through a forest and leaps off a cliff, transforming herself into a black panther. While the Night Elf race of Warcraft 3 had males transform into crows and bears, WoW reveals that the females could do that too. Then the scene shifts to a zombie-like undead man whose very step seems to scorch the ground black, and an Infernal, a fiery rock demon seen in WC3, emerges behind him to let out an impressive roar. Then the scene shifts to a Tauren - a member of a race of minotaurs from WC3 - standing on a cliff and sprinking a sort of pink powder over the landscape, then we see a classic orc brutishly flailing about among flames, and then a tower where an Infernal is climbing up to battle a human mage wielding fire powers. Then the dwarf and bear battle the tauren on the snow mountain and the orc and night elf are seen battling in close combat, and it all ends with the World of WarCraft logo on screen.


 * Throughout the presentation, the visuals proceed with superb fluidity and grace. And the audio? Fantastic! The epic chorus heard throughout rivals the sense of excitement you experienced when you first heard the musical theme of Super Smash Bros. Brawl (a similar product from Nintendo that was also treated almost with the respect of a full game by the media, but turned out to be a pair of short movies). After the presentation, you are brought to a screen showing a portal-like gate with boxes to insert information about an account and a password; this is ostensibly to access extra online content on Blizzard's site, as is typical of most PC discs nowadays. You can rewatch the movie at anytime by clicking on the cinematics button.


 * So why no 10 for World of Warcraft? Well, to be frank, even though it is extremely cheap, the feature is awfully short; Blizzard should have created a movie twice as long. And it also takes up roughly 6 gigabytes of storage space, oddly enough, which equals a very long installation process. One gets the impression that Blizzard should have instead used all that storage space to focus on creating an actual game of the classic prestige of the company's previous games. But these are trifling details on a whole; if you loved Warcraft 3 and its expansion, World of Warcraft is definitely worth the four bucks to get the general idea of what the world of Azeroth will be like four years afterward.


 * }
 * }