User:Ernest Kutesa/sandbox

SECRECY.

Researchers Slepian, Halevy, and Galinsky from Columbia and Stanford Universities, who have been intensively studying the many facets of secrets, there are quite a number of reasons why keeping charged information to ourselves is draining, or worse. First of all, the goal of secrecy is concealment, concealment of information from one or more other people. There is a difference between information which must be kept secret and personal information which we may not have shared, but we would if it came up without fear of consequences. So, researchers write, secrets necessarily create "motivational conflict"—"The goal to avoid the social costs of the information coming out conflicts with the goal to connect with others and maintain intimacy in close relationships by sharing the secret information." Because keeping secrets can undermine social relationships, secrecy can lead to feelings of loneliness and lead to isolation, in extreme cases. And holding secrets takes energy. It’s tiring to keep a secret, sometimes impossible.

It requires an exercise of will, vigilance over what one says, and overall using emotional and cognitive resources, leaving one with a residue of potentially negative feelings, including guilt along with how prudent it can be to keep one’s own council and hold one’s tongue. No matter how you slice it, the theory says, keeping secrets is fatiguing, using up limited resources.

Could keeping secrets even affect our well-being?

We keep secrets when we are with people, and to varying extents, we have secrets on our minds when we are not with people. It’s complicated and not well studied.What are the implications for keeping or disclosing secrets?

Keeping secrets takes work and is fatiguing. It seems obvious, but it's easy to downplay... at our peril. People with higher levels of conflict about secrets give up more easily and perform more poorly on a cognitive task. One of the main reasons for the negative effect on energy level and performance is because secrets make us feel lonely and sad. They also can make us feel more fearful, hostile, and guilty, but sadness and isolation make us more tired.

Keeping secrets undermines our sense of well-being, of general life satisfaction, and opening up (under the right conditions) can lead us to feel happier, more authentic, more satisfied, and closer to others. As Slepian and colleagues note, “Secrecy creates a conflict between the goal to connect with others and the goal to keep the secret information unknown, which manifests in feelings of social isolation and motivational conflict.”

Opening up?

Unfortunately, it isn’t so easy as to go around telling everyone all our difficult secrets, nor is it always clear when and how it might be constructive to do. Nor does everyone want to hear it. As the theory of motivational conflict tells us, there are consequences to revealing sensitive information which on balance induce us to keep whatever it is under wraps. This can lead to inner torment, fatigue, and, famously, inadvertent slips when we reveal secret information, often with comedic and sometimes sadly tragic results.

The pressure to tell a secret can be so great, we impulsively blurt it out, rapidly reducing inner conflict and often setting in motion a series of momentous events, which are at the heart of many a great story and film. We can be pressured into telling secrets, and if it looks like we might crack, the pressure rises. Folks like to make trouble, often for their own gain, and exposing another's damaging secrets can be a Machiallivian way to get ahead. On the other hand, revealing secrets is often the key to justice.

Secrets can range from more benign to more insidious and shameful. The worse the secret, the greater the isolation and the greater the fatigue. While for many secrets, there is a real conflict between the cost of keeping the secret and the consequences of letting it out, there are many secrets which are kept under coercion and duress, out of dysfunctional family dynamics or societal norms to deny and suppress inconvenient truths.

The dilemma.

This leaves us with frequent dilemmas. We know something, but do we tell? Is it better to share your concerns with a best friend about their partner’s fidelity and risk harming your relationship in the near-term, or keep it quiet, preserving the friendship while enduring guilt and the fear that your friend may realize you let it go on longer than necessary? Are you upfront with your boss that you are thinking of a career change, or do you keep it under wraps, risking burning bridges?

Because we are social creatures, we can come to depend on others not rejecting us. Rejection causes social pain, a kin to physical pain, and from an evolutionary point of view, being cast out of the group is an existential, survival threat.

People confronted with secrets can use this research to self-examine more effectively.

What are the specific motivational conflicts I’m facing with this one?

What are the consequences of keeping versus disclosing the secret, for myself and other stakeholders?


 * 1) Losing reputation and diginity from the general public after disclosing the secret.
 * 2) Lose of life. Some secrets can cost ur life e.g sensitive government secrets have costed people their lives like Late AIGP Kirumira.
 * 3) Some people are rewarded as a result of keeping secrets.
 * 4) Favours to those good at keeping secrets

How isolated do I feel with this secret, how much does it intrude when I’m not with other people, and how tiring is it?

How much is keeping this secret affecting my well-being and ability to function, both socially and with unrelated tasks?

What other emotions are keeping this secret stirred up?

How have I learned to deal with secrets from my past experiences?

What are some good ways, and appropriate times and settings, to open up about difficult secrets?