User:Eskimo.the/Wikipedia: Wikipedia is not Batman

THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS
Feel free to help out :)

Wait, what?
The purpose of this essay is to provide a humerous look at a common occurence, often arising in controversial articles, when editors (usually anonymous IPs, new users, or editors with a conflict of interest) claim to have knowledge of "inside information" regarding the subject of an article. Though the information may be true, finding reliable sources for such information is often a difficult, if not impossible, task. In such cases, it should be remembered that Wikipedia articles are based on reliable sources, and that the average Wikipedian is not a super detective with access to unlimited wealth and resources. In short, Wikipedia is not Batman.

Who is this "Batman" you speak of?
Batman is a fictional comic book character created by the artist Bob Kane and writer Bill Finger, appearing in DC Comics’ publications. Batman's secret identity is Bruce Wayne, an American billionaire playboy, industrialist, and philanthropist. Unlike most superheroes, he does not possess any superpowers; he makes use of intellect, detective skills, science and technology, wealth, physical prowess, an indomitable will and intimidation in his continuous war on crime. The Batman character relies on "his own scientific knowledge, detective skills, and athletic prowess." In the stories Batman is regarded as one of the world's greatest detectives.

Entirely made-up example #1:

 * Steve Gates is a notable and powerful CEO in the technological field. He has a detailed and well sourced Wikipedia article written about him.  One day, out of nowhere, and anonymous IP includes a few unsourced statements about how, when Steve Gates was a young man, he was employed for a short time by one of his present day competitors.  It is heavily implied that Steve Gates stole trade secrets from his previous employer, and used the information to start his own company.  Upon the reversion of the unsourced informations, the anonymous IP comes to the talk board and claims, "It's true.  He was discovered making copies of classified papers, and was terminated.  I personally filed the termination report, so I know documentation must exist."

What Batman Would Do
 * Using his influence as a Bruce Wayne, wealthy entreprenuer, Batman would arrange for an internship in the company for his innappropriately young live-in ward, who would sneak into the company archives, locate the files in question, and hide them some place(preferably near a skylight) where Batman could retrieve them by dramatically crashing through the roof.

WP:NOTBATMAN:
 * After checking the first two Google page results of "Steve Gates + thief" and not finding anything relevant, an administrator would admonish the anonymous IP with a fourth level warning, and a vandalism tag would be placed on the article. A random editor, who just happened to be patrolling the COIN boards at the time, would open an WP:ANI against the administrator for being uncivil and biting newbies.  Pages of heated discussion containing speculative and libelous comments about Steve Gates would ensur, and ultimately archived forever in Wikipedia.  The end result being an indefinite block of the IP range, causing an entire junior high class in Eerie, OH to fail their school assigned project: "Write a wikipedia article about your favorite teacher."  Once again, the project is protected.

Entirely made-up example #2:

 * Barry Bamboo is an up and coming politician. As with most politicians, his Wikipedia article is highly contested, and is in a state of flux.  One day, Mr. Bamboo runs for a very prestigious office...a position well beyond his level of experience...and somehow manages to goodforhim wins. Following the election, an editor in good standing starts a disucssion regarding Mr. Bamboo's nationality.  You see, Mr. Bamboo was supposedly born in Detroit, but the editor in question claims to be the brother of the ambulance driver who actually took Mr. Bamboo's pregnant mother to a hospital in Essex, ON while she was in labor.  Therefore, the editor concludes, Mr. Bamboo is technically a damn Kanook, and not legally able to hold the political office which requires U.S. citizenship.  Even though any record of this happening was surely detroyed by Mr. Bamboo's minion, the editor points out that since healthcare in Canada is nationalized, the incompetent hospital staff surely must have misplaced some sort of evidence verifying this...perhaps in the basement with all the euthanized elderly people.  If only someone would look for it.

What Batman Would Do:
 * Having already used the skylight entrance from the previous example, instead Batman, again using his influence as Bruce Wayne, would get an invitation to Mr. Bamboo's inaguaration party. During the course of the party, Bruce Wayne would slip a vial of truth serum into Mr. Bamboo's Fresca, and then casually lead the conversation toward Mr. Bamboo's nationality, at which time Mr. Bamboo would, in front of a throng of reporters (and probably on national TV), unwittingly admit that he was indeed born in Canada.  During Mr. Bamboo public admission, Bruce Wayne would slip out and change into Batman, who would return later to tie Mr. Bamboo to a post and attach a little note with a bat symbol that reads "For commisioner Gordon."

WP:NOTBATMAN:
 * A single purpose account (probably an ANON) would take the issue straight to ARBCOM demanding that severe action be taken against the goddamn bible beating racists who refuse to assume good faith, and won't quit with the fucking POV fringe theories on the talk page. The article is protected, and the now-uneditable page is left with a sentence that claims Mr. Bamboo was "born on Venus, and has no penis."

Entirely made-up example #3:

 * A completely NPOV and COI-free article tells the rags-to-riches story of how an Alabama boy, and his friend who created employee who helped create a completely free and open source website, which blossomed into an incredibly popular and thriving foundation working toward the good of all mankind. But when the friend employee gets shit-canned from the foundation and writes a scathing open-letter making accusations that the foundation promotes child pornography- as well as linking the foundation to adult web service- well, things get a little heated.  Editors are unsure what to do.  He was the co-founder of the worked for the foundation after all.

What Batman Would Do
 * No more Bruce Wayne shit this time. Batman would go straight to his super computer in the Batcave and create a "GammaControl Bot" (or Γ for short) that would meticuously comb through all of the foundations archives at near the spped of light, definitively tying the foundation to child pornography and adult web services.  Before the foundation could mount any sort of defense to Γ Bot's assault, millions of bloggers with nothing else to do would post screenshots of the uncovered archives for the world to see.  Batman strikes a pose ontop of a church steeple somewhere.

WP:NOTBATMAN:
 * REVDEL

Things to look out for in the talk pages (And how you'd like to respond, but probably shouldn't)

 * "Surely some sources must exist..."
 * (If it is so easy to find these sources, why don't you provide one like we've all been asking you to do for 2 weeks now!? And don't call me Shirley!)


 * "You're telling me that out of all the resources on Wikipedia, no one can find a reliable source to verify this...?"
 * (YES! That is what we have been telling you for two fucking weeks! This was YOUR stupid idea to begin with, so please shut the fuck up and die!)


 * "I find it strange that the cabal of editors is trying so hard to keep out this sourced information..."
 * (The "source" you provided is obviously a photo-shopped picture of Barak Obama with Lindsay Lohan. There is NO WAY his entire hand would fit in there.)


 * "Sometimes common sense out weighs the rules of Wikipedia..."
 * (Have you ever read an ANI board?)