User:Eungjeonglee/VR Systems/Justin.tsubasa Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Eungjeonlee


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Eungjeonglee/VR_Systems?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template

Evaluate the drafted changes
- The information in the intro paragraph and the history paragraph that states, "VR Systems was founded in Florida in 1992", seems a bit redundant especially since they come right after another.

- The format at the beginning would be better improved if the "russian targets" came after the paragraphs that explore the products made by the company. Since you introduce the company, it seems more logical to expand on that with the products paragraph, and then dive into the topic regarding russia afterwards. I do understand why the paragraph is there since the section is title "History", and technically it makes sense, but this was just some food for thought.

- There are references in the first few paragraphs but none for the last paragraphs regarding the products, so a few citations would improve the credibility of your statements.

- The following sentence in the "EViD electronic pollbook" section would be better off split into different sentences, currently its a run on and theres too much to read in one sentence. "The EViD electronic pollbook, short for Electronic Voter Identification, is available as a tablet, an all-in-one station or customized for an existing device, more than 14,000 EViDs were in use during the 2016 elections in eight U.S. states: California, Florida, Illinois, Indiana, North Carolina, New York, Virginia, and West Virginia. " I would instead change it to something like "The EViD electronic pollbook, short for Electronic Voter Identification, is available as a tablet, an all-in-one station or customized for an existing device. More than 14,000 EViDs were in use during the 2016 elections in eight U.S. states: California, Florida, Illinois, Indiana, North Carolina, New York, Virginia, and West Virginia. " I split the sentence into two after you explained what the device was.

- Otherwise the article is solid, I like the concise introductory section and the neutral tone taken throughout the article. The links that I tried out worked as well.