User:FERDNAND1981/sandbox

1 00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:08,020 (Theme music)

2 00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:28,940 (Applause)'Bold text'

3 00:00:29,220 --> 00:00:34,740 Well...hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome to QI,

4 00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:38,540 the show that knows what's what like I know the back of my onions.

5 00:00:38,820 --> 00:00:42,100 So let's meet tonight's men amongst men.

6 00:00:42,420 --> 00:00:44,660 We have Rich Hall... (Applause)

7 00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:46,780 ..Arthur Smith...

8 00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:50,860 ..Dara O'Briain, and Alan Davies. (Applause)

9 00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:54,500 Welcome one, welcome all.

10 00:00:54,780 --> 00:00:57,260 Let's hear your manly sounds, please, gentlemen. Rich goes...

11 00:00:57,540 --> 00:00:59,340 (Handsaw cuts through wood)

12 00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:03,500 ..and Arthur... (Nail is hammered)

13 00:01:03,780 --> 00:01:06,740 ..and Dara... (Fierce Maori war cry)

14 00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:16,580 ..and Alan. (Generic mobile phone ringtone)

15 00:01:16,860 --> 00:01:21,940 So let's begin, with question one, and that's for Rich.

16 00:01:22,220 --> 00:01:23,900 What would you say if I said to you

17 00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:27,500 that the British Empire was built of diarrhoea?

18 00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:30,460 (Laughter)

19 00:01:30,660 --> 00:01:32,660 I'd say you were full of shit.

20 00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:37,940 Any word that ends in '-rea' is just bad news, isn't it?

21 00:01:38,220 --> 00:01:43,220 Diarrhoea...pyorrhea... gonorrhoea...

22 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:45,380 - ..North Korea. - North Korea. (Laughs)

23 00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:48,980 - What about Chris Rea? - Yeah.

24 00:01:49,260 --> 00:01:51,460 To be fair, though, speaking as someone, obviously,

25 00:01:51,780 --> 00:01:54,700 whose antecedents were members of the British Empire themselves -

26 00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:56,420 uh, happily, of course -

27 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,140 diarrhoea was very much the least of our problems.

28 00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:01,860 while the English were in the country.

29 00:02:02,180 --> 00:02:04,900 Really, we'd have been glad of a bit of diarrhoea.

30 00:02:05,180 --> 00:02:07,860 I mean, there's very few recorded conversations

31 00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:09,580 between Irish peasants in the 1840s

32 00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:11,060 that went, 'Paddy, you're looking very thin.'

33 00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,500 'I know. The food is just running through me at the moment.'

34 00:02:17,140 --> 00:02:20,100 'This spicy British food doesn't appeal to me at all.'

35 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:22,300 Well, yeah. Absolutely.

36 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,220 Well, of course, the question is oddly framed,

37 00:02:24,540 --> 00:02:26,420 because, actually, the British Empire came about

38 00:02:26,660 --> 00:02:27,860 because the British

39 00:02:28,140 --> 00:02:31,460 were the first imperial power to overcome the problem of diarrhoea.

40 00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:32,900 Up until the 18th century,

41 00:02:33,180 --> 00:02:35,180 almost every invading army anywhere in the world

42 00:02:35,460 --> 00:02:37,900 was laid low by diarrhoea - particularly the French.

43 00:02:38,220 --> 00:02:42,100 They kept having excrement so close to their food, if not on it,

44 00:02:42,420 --> 00:02:46,420 and it was not understood that this was a bad idea.

45 00:02:46,740 --> 00:02:49,300 - It's not a bad idea, Stephen. - Isn't it?

46 00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:51,020 - No, no, no. - Someone's been leading me up.

47 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,900 I think you'll find more faeces with your food

48 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:56,420 actually improves your health.

49 00:02:56,740 --> 00:03:00,620 - (Silence) - I've overstated it a touch.

50 00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:02,860 I think you might have done. (Laughter)

51 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:07,980 But I do think it's generally agreed that children don't eat enough...

52 00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:10,220 ..you know...bad things, in a way.

53 00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:11,900 Everything's sanitised,

54 00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:13,420 and their bodies aren't used to it

55 00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:16,300 when they have to fight off infections.

56 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:17,780 I think it's absolutely right.

57 00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,300 If everyone lives in a plastic bubble,

58 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:20,740 the moment the bubble is removed,

59 00:03:21,060 --> 00:03:22,340 they die of something or other very fast.

60 00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,940 Particularly if the bubble is underwater, for example.

61 00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:28,540 Exactly!

62 00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:30,260 There's a very sudden pressure change

63 00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:32,060 that you just can't deal with in that situation.

64 00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:34,100 So the notion of an army marching on its stomach

65 00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,660 is more that the army tends to march

66 00:03:35,940 --> 00:03:38,500 on the contents of a preceding soldier's stomach,

67 00:03:38,820 --> 00:03:39,980 - as they were walking along. - Absolutely.

68 00:03:40,260 --> 00:03:41,860 There were two eminent British figures,

69 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,060 one called Pringle, who did it for the army,

70 00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:46,100 another one called Lind, who did it for the navy...

71 00:03:46,380 --> 00:03:50,020 Presumably, Pringle had a small moustache, just like that.

72 00:03:50,340 --> 00:03:53,260 - Latrines. We invented latrines. - Well, that's right.

73 00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:54,940 But that's a French word.

74 00:03:55,260 --> 00:03:57,620 - I know! - 'Latrine' must have been French for 'kitchen' then.

75 00:03:57,900 --> 00:04:01,660 Well, you're almost right. I mean, the French did extraordinary things.

76 00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:04,300 I mean, instead of burying their bodies at sea,

77 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,940 they buried them actually in the ship...

78 00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,420 - In the ship? - ..in the bilge part.

79 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,340 - The bottom, the ballast part. - Brilliant idea.- Yeah.

80 00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:11,980 - Except imagine the stench! - Probably improved matters, though.

81 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:15,820 I remember reading that on the approach to Moscow,

82 00:04:16,020 --> 00:04:17,620 that the French soldiers

83 00:04:17,940 --> 00:04:22,420 used to sleep inside the dead bodies of horses at night...

84 00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,740 - Wow - ..'cause, obviously, it's warm.

85 00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:26,740 So, I mean, that's not a comfortable night, is it?

86 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:32,420 Even Travelodge is better than that, you know?

87 00:04:32,700 --> 00:04:36,260 Yes - for the wrong reasons, Lind and Pringle thought the right thing.

88 00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:39,140 In other words, they believed that disease was all about smell,

89 00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:41,620 and if something smelt bad, you would be ill.

90 00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:44,980 We had a maths teacher at school who smelt disgusting.

91 00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:47,260 Pringle laid down rules for the army

92 00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:50,620 about how far faeces, and everything to do with it, should be from food.

93 00:04:50,940 --> 00:04:54,260 And, as a result, we had far less diarrhoea, far less enteric fever

94 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:55,780 than any other army around the world.

95 00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:58,540 He also said, for the navy, that they should eat lemons,

96 00:04:58,860 --> 00:05:02,260 because of scurvy - vitamins weren't known about until 1912.

97 00:05:02,540 --> 00:05:05,860 But, because almost every country that grew lemons hated Britain,

98 00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:08,620 the only countries we could get anything close to it

99 00:05:08,940 --> 00:05:10,180 was the Caribbean, where there were limes,

100 00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:11,860 which are actually half as effective.

101 00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:14,020 And hence, British, of course, were called 'limeys',

102 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,760 where we should, really, have been called 'lemonies'.

103 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,240 Yeah.

104 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,800 Because the navy did realise that lemons were twice as effective.

105 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,960 Vitamin C tablets, obviously, seem very effective.

106 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,640 Multi-vitamins. MultiVits. If they'd had a few of them...

107 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,960 I mean, if you'd just gone to Boots, really, at the start of the trip...

108 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:32,200 You know, they say that the wheel is the greatest invention ever.

109 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,880 But I think it's probably the second wheel, because...

110 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,240 (Laughter)

111 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,560 (Applause) Very good.

112 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,040 Have you ever seen a guy on a unicycle?

113 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,880 What an asshole.

114 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,160 In the Battle of El Alamein,

115 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,720 there's a strong historical argument that it was won

116 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,720 because more than 50% of the German Army in North Africa at the time

117 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,200 had diarrhoea,

118 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,840 and Rommel himself was in hospital

119 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,320 on the first day of the Battle of El Alamein, with the squits.

120 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,600 My father, actually, was genuinely at El Alamein,

121 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,560 and he was the only soldier, according to him,

122 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,640 who didn't have the runs.

123 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,160 And he was actually constipated.

124 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:14,920 - That's what he said. - Just bloody-minded, is he?

125 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,480 This was one of his great lines -

126 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,720 'I had to dig it out with a stick.'

127 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,680 (Laughter)

128 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,760 And it is to such great men that we owe our freedom,

129 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,440 and we thank them. There you are.

130 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,600 That's really put me off going to war.

131 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,120 I was alright with the killing, and the mayhem,

132 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,320 - but the shits... - Exactly.

133 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:38,960 You don't see it in war films,

134 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,240 and yet it is something that absolutely drives humans everywhere.

135 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,640 I mean, it is...it's a thing we do all the time.

136 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,640 Do you know, I feel, though, that in many ways,

137 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,440 - we've pretty well done diarrhoea. - I think we have.

138 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,960 We're ready to move on, in fact.

139 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:51,920 We'll move on to a question for Dara.

140 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,440 Now, what begins with B...

141 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:57,080 I thought we were done with diarrhoea.

142 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,120 You...(Chuckles). Alright.

143 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,920 It is nearly an anagram, your name, isn't it?

144 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:04,520 Well, it's quite possibly an anagram,

145 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,760 - but what anagram...? - For diarrhoea.

146 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,400 No, it's not. There's only four letters in my name.

147 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,960 (Laughter)

148 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,040 It's an anagram of the great drama school, RADA.

149 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,040 That's what it's an anagram of.

150 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,680 No, no. With all the rest of it, there's an O, isn't there?

151 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,640 There's an O, yeah. There's a B, there's an N.

152 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,480 As if my name is, roughly, 'NB Diarrhoea.'

153 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,000 - Yes. 'Da-ra'. - Da-ra!- Da-ra!

154 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:32,720 So, Dara, what begins with a B, and is illegal in Turkmenistan?

155 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,720 Begins with a B, and is illegal in Turkmenistan?

156 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,760 - Um... - Begins with a B, yes.

157 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,240 Well, presumably a plague of bees would be...

158 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,360 Would begin with one bee.

159 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:44,960 There is a town in Turkmenistan called Mary.

160 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,360 - Mary's an odd name for a town. - Is there a Mary there?

161 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:48,880 - There is a Mary, yeah. - Yeah.

162 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,320 Oh, my God. You're absolutely right.

163 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,240 There's also a large region called Mary, as well,

164 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:53,800 - in Turkmenistan. - Mary, Mary.

165 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,120 And there's a little town called Quite Contrary.

166 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,200 - Buggery? Is it buggery? - It's not.

167 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,800 Well, actually, as far as I know, it may be illegal, buggery, in...

168 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,200 - Bestiality? - No. It's something weird. I mean...

169 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,400 - Bear-baiting? Ballet? - Ballet is the right answer.

170 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:08,840 - Is it?! - Ballet is illegal.

171 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:11,480 - Illegal?! - In a country that used to be part of the Soviet Union.

172 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,040 - 'Arrest that man. That man...' - Exactly, exactly.

173 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,320 - Is that a man? - It could be a man.

174 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,880 There is a very, very odd man indeed, called Saparmurat Niyazov,

175 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,120 who is the head of this country, Turkmenistan.

176 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,080 - And there he is. - Is he from Mary?

177 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,120 - He doesn't look like he is. - No, he's not.

178 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,040 He's actually from Ashgabat, which is the capital.

179 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,600 (Guttural) Ashgabad!

180 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,840 And he is one of the oddest world leaders there is.

181 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,760 - 'You! Ballerina!' - Yeah, exactly.

182 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,640 - In 2001... - 'No, no!'

183 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,480 Not only that, he's named January after himself, so...

184 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,360 His face appears on millions of yoghurt pots.

185 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,040 If you buy yoghurt pots in Turkmenistan,

186 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,320 his face will be on it.

187 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,080 - What's the point of that? - Well, exactly.

188 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,960 I mean, power has gone to his head.

189 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,120 He looks like a face that would curdle milk.

190 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,480 He does! That's probably right.

191 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,880 Is it on the inside of the yoghurt pot, his face?

192 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,760 - At the bottom... - Scoop, scoop.

193 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:09,800 What happens if you are caught performing ballet? You're arrested?

194 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:11,240 Presumably, you would be arrested.

195 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,120 Even for a small plie?

196 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,560 Are there signs, like, with tutus, and big Xs through them?

197 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,680 (Laughs) 'No ballet here.'

198 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:25,160 There must be some kind of underground ballet-dancing clubs.

199 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,240 - Absolutely. - Yeah - Ballet Club, with Brad Pitt.

200 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,040 Yeah. (Laughs)

201 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:34,160 Well, he also fired 15,000 nurses in Turkmenistan, Niyazov,

202 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,600 and replaced them with army conscripts.

203 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,120 There's something odd about him.

204 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,920 This sounds like a place where Bush needs to go in,

205 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,960 and kick some more arse.

206 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,360 (Laughter)

207 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,120 Now it's time for a question for Arthur.

208 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,640 What's quite interesting about digestive biscuits?

209 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:53,360 Well, it's a hardworking biscuit, the digestive, you know.

210 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,320 You put cheese on it, and, as it goes, chocolate on it.

211 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:59,880 It's a base for cheesecake.

212 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:03,560 It really is a sort of Renaissance biscuit.

213 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,960 - It is! - It's a great dunker.

214 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,080 - Yeah. - It's a very, very hardworking biscuit.

215 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,040 But have you ever noticed

216 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,880 that there is a slightly fishy taste about a digestive?

217 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,120 Is there? What have you been dunking them in?

218 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,280 - Good heavens. - Or who have you been dunking them in?

219 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,040 Good Lord!

220 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:30,040 We're in the world of misnomers - things that are wrongly called.

221 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:31,720 Do they give you wind?

222 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,480 They were called 'digestives'

223 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,160 because they were supposed to be an anti-flatulent biscuit,

224 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:37,720 when they were designed in the 19th century.

225 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,960 - You're joking! - No! That's right.

226 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,840 'You'd better have one of these.' 'Sorry.'

227 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,240 Maybe you stuffed it up, I don't know.

228 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:52,680 I'd like to see an advert for this flatulence biscuit.

229 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,840 (Mimics fart) 'Hey, try a digestive!'

230 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:01,200 We're heading right back down the diarrhoea highway here.

231 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,240 Welcome to the United Kingdom, Mr Hall.

232 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,760 The fact is, they are not aids to digestion.

233 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,560 In America, it is illegal to call them 'digestives'.

234 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,760 Of course, in America...do you know what we're talking about?

235 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:16,840 - Cookies. - Yeah, yeah.- Yes.

236 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,920 That's quite right...which is from the Dutch - 'koek', meaning a cake,

237 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:22,560 - which is why you call them 'cookies'. - Right.

238 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,040 'Cause what you call a biscuit,

239 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,080 it's more like what we would call a scone-y thing.

240 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:27,520 You have biscuits and gravy.

241 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,600 Explain to the ladies and gentlemen what that is.

242 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:33,840 Oh, traveller from an arcane land.

243 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,760 (Laughter) Yes!

244 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,680 What...do...your people...eat?!

245 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,720 (Laughter, applause)

246 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,880 Everything!

247 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:52,160 No, biscuits...biscuits are made from self-rising flour,

248 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,960 and then they just slop gravy over it,

249 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,080 and it just takes up room on the plate.

250 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,720 Right. And it's a breakfast-y thing, or a lunch-y thing, or...?

251 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,560 Uh, depends on what trailer park you live in.

252 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,000 Sometimes it's three meals a day.

253 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,600 Fair enough, fair enough.

254 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:07,400 Well, 450 digestive biscuits are baked every second

255 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,400 - in the United Kingdom. - Really?

256 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,360 - They are truly the mule of biscuits. - They certainly are.

257 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,760 - And, Alan, it brings me onto a question for you. - For me?

258 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:17,760 What is the difference between a cake and a biscuit?

259 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,640 - Oh, that's easy! - Tell.

260 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,920 Well, a cake is soft, and a biscuit's hard.

261 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,760 Cakes are soft, and squidgy, and spongy,

262 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,520 and biscuits, you can snap them.

263 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,160 ARTHUR: What's a Jaffa cake, then?

264 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,000 Very interesting you should say that.

265 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,720 Well...quite interesting, I think.

266 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,520 Well, quite interesting. Exactly, exactly.

267 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,040 Let's stick to our brief.

268 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:44,040 Jaffa cake is the exception that proves the rule.

269 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,840 Well, no, it isn't an exception.

270 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,320 See, what happens on this show, Dara,

271 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,640 is that he thinks I'm an idiot.

272 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,680 Well, you think my name is an anagram of 'diarrhoea', so...

273 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,480 Yes, exactly. (Laughter)

274 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,040 I'm really on their side at the moment.

275 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,280 Well, actually, I mean, you use the right words.

276 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,760 Technically, the difference is that when they go stale,

277 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:08,840 a cake goes hard and a biscuit goes soft.

278 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,840 And a biscuit goes soft. Does it?

279 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:12,640 In 1991, the British government, and Customs and Excise,

280 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:17,120 decided they wanted to reclassify the Jaffa cake as a biscuit.

281 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:22,520 The weird thing is, there is 0 VAT on cake and biscuit,

282 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,480 but there is VAT on chocolate biscuits, as a luxury item.

283 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,000 So McVitie's went out of their way

284 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,160 to try and prove that Jaffa cakes are not chocolate biscuits,

285 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,640 they are cakes.

286 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:33,400 And they did so by demonstrating,

287 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,080 in front of the VAT review board,

288 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,520 that they went hard when they were stale.

289 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,640 And they also cooked a great, big 12-inch one

290 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,400 to show that it really was a cake that they had baked.

291 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,640 I always think, King Alfred... you know, he was a great man, who...

292 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,120 Is that a cock-ring?

293 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,840 - (Laughter) - No, that's a really early cock-ring.

294 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,120 Made of stone.

295 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,200 Oh, they had big knobs, they did. Yeah.

296 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:02,600 But King Alfred, who, I believe, invented...

297 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,080 - (Laughs) - (Laughs)

298 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,640 - I'm determined to carry on. - Yes. No, please do. Absolutely.

299 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,040 Carry on. I've got a big, stone cock-ring in my head.

300 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,040 He invented the navy. He made all sorts of differences.

301 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,120 He was an important political figure.

302 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,520 But all we remember him for is some business involving cakes.

303 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,040 Yeah.

304 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:22,960 You, for example, may yet, Stephen,

305 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,760 be remembered for something pathetically insignificant.

306 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,320 Absolutely. I once dropped a pack of Abbey Crunch.

307 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,720 - You're so posh. - They're not posh!

308 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,560 You really...they are posh biscuits!

309 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,040 Oh, stop it.

310 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,240 Posh biscuits are ones that are cooked for you by your pastry chef.

311 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,960 Actually, there's a true story

312 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,240 about...I think it was the Duke of Devonshire, but it may not have been.

313 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,720 Oh...I can't believe you.

314 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,200 In the Second World War,

315 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,000 they would have people from the Ministry of Labour

316 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,480 going round, checking on everybody,

317 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:55,960 and particularly on the big estates,

318 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,160 to see if some all these people...some could be released

319 00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,640 for essential war work.

320 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,040 And they went to Chatsworth, one of the Duke of Devonshire's estates.

321 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,280 They had a stopwatch, and clipboard, and they checked everybody.

322 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,440 And, eventually, they had an interview with the Duke.

323 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,880 And they said, 'Well, Your Grace,

324 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,360 we can understand that you need 47 gardeners,

325 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:14,080 and 13 other gardeners. And you need grooms, and you need chauffeurs,

326 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,360 and you need upstairs maids, and downstairs maids,

327 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,000 and in between maids, and laundry room maids, and stillroom maids,

328 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,640 and kitchen maids, and nurse maids, and house maids.

329 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:23,120 And we can understand

330 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,280 that you need the boy to scrape the knives and boots,

331 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,680 and you need the butler, and the four footmen, and the under-butler.

332 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,720 But we wonder if a man economy might be made.

333 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,480 Does Your Grace necessarily need two pastry cooks?'

334 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,600 To which he apparently replied, 'Oh, damn it.

335 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,280 Can't a man have a biscuit?'

336 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,920 (Laughter) Which is...I mean, you know,

337 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,440 we're all prepared to make sacrifices to beat the Hun,

338 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:48,520 but, I mean, really! That's going a bit far, isn't it?

339 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:52,600 Peter Ustinov had rather a good story about...

340 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,640 ..he said he was at school, it was so posh

341 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,400 that on school sports day, they had a chauffeurs' race.

342 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,960 Of course, we call posh cake 'gateur', don't we?

343 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,360 And the French call posh cake 'le cake'.

344 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,480 Yes, that's true.

345 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,760 Do you know what 'biscuit' means? What its derivation is?

346 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,880 - 'Bis-' meaning... - Chew, Eat. Bit.

347 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:18,800 - ..twice... - Sweet, hard, coffee cup.

348 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,120 'Sweet, hard coffee cup'?!

349 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,720 Sweet, hard coffee cup accompaniment.

350 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:29,440 No, it is 'twice-cooked'. 'Biscotti', in Italian...

351 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,480 Oh, biscotti's a biscuit. They're horrible, though.

352 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,320 - They're like bits of shrapnel. - Yes.

353 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,640 But it's fun to do that game with the wrapper,

354 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,200 that it flies up in the air.

355 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:39,760 Here's a quite interesting fact.

356 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,920 (Laughter)

357 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,120 As we know, at the end of a marvellous performance,

358 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,800 when we see a live show,

359 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,280 when you think it's fabulous, and you want more, you shout, 'Encore!'

360 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,080 - Yes. - But do you know what the French shout?

361 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,880 - 'Bis'? - Oh, yeah. You do know.- Yes, yes.

362 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,520 (Laughter) Sorry.

363 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,920 It means 'twice'. Yeah.

364 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:01,480 So they're asking to see the whole damn thing again?

365 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,400 Well, on from biscuits. Fingers on buzzers now, for our next question.

366 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,600 Who invented straight roads?

367 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:10,600 (Generic mobile phone ringtone)

368 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:13,840 - Alan. - The Romans.

369 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,080 (Siren sounds, alarm bells ring) Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

370 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:17,880 - I knew it! - Yeah, I'm afraid not.

371 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,640 You haven't caught me, or anything, 'cause I knew that was gonna happen.

372 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,400 Did you, did you? Yes.

373 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,000 And I'll have you know that they did.

374 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,680 No, they didn't.

375 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,240 They did!

376 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,800 They rebuilt a lot of straight roads that were already there.

377 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:35,680 The Romans would make a road that would go 50, 100 miles.

378 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,080 - Yes. - Stane Street, that goes from Chichester to London

379 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,200 is 60 or 70 miles long.

380 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,880 No-one thought to go that far in a straight line until they did.

381 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,080 I think, in terms of distance, you may well be right -

382 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,680 that they probably built the longest straight roads...

383 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,680 People would come across a Roman road, and go, 'Blimey!

384 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,160 This must be a Roman road.

385 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,960 They invented going really, really far in a straight line.

386 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,720 Yes. Which wasn't the question, sadly.

387 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,440 (Laughter)

388 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,760 Oh, would that it had been.

389 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,040 But the Romans, presumably, never, in the end, really got anywhere.

390 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,920 because all roads lead to Rome.

391 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,720 - Indeed. - (Mock laughs)

392 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,600 No. There was a dense network of roads in the pre-Roman Iron Age,

393 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,720 of very straight roads. But you're quite right - they weren't as vast.

394 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,200 Do you know that in America,

395 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,440 some of the roads in the Midwest are so straight,

396 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,000 and go on straight for so long

397 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,200 that then, they have to make a right turn,

398 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,720 - and then go straight again. - Really?

399 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,280 Because people go loopy, is it?

400 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,640 No, no - to account for the curvature of the earth,

401 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,920 so that it conforms to the map.

402 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,680 Good God.

403 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,480 That's fantastic. Well, there you are.

404 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,160 And do you know that in Montana,

405 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,720 a policeman will pull you over because he's lonely?

406 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,320 (Laughter) Oh!

407 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,200 It's happened to me all the time.

408 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,920 Why do the Americans drive on the right?

409 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,400 Well, I guess because we invented the (BLEEP) car.

410 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,840 (Laughter)

411 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,440 I'm awfully sorry to put you right on that,

412 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,480 but you didn't even come close to inventing the car.

413 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:04,960 We invented the first...

414 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,200 There were at least two Germans who got there way before you!

415 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,800 Another proof, of course,

416 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:13,280 is that in Ireland, there were many, many straight roads,

417 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,480 and the Irish were never invaded by the Romans, were you?

418 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,640 No. They never got as far as us. Absolutely not.

419 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,560 Which we actually do regret to this day,

420 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,080 'cause we have no great architecture that dates back to then.

421 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:24,520 We have a lack of...

422 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,320 You've got Cromlix.

423 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,520 Well, we have our own little, you know, mounds, and stuff,

424 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,040 that we're quite happy with,

425 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,800 that I had to drag my sorry arse around at school trips

426 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,680 - for a few years. - 'Boys, we're off to see a mound today.'

427 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,480 Yeah. And our imagination ran riot -

428 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:39,920 but it was never what we expected.

429 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,080 And do you know why the grass is greener in Ireland than over here?

430 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,760 Is it because of limestone in the ground?

431 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,240 No - it's 'cause you're all over here, walking on ours.

432 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,200 (Laughter, applause)

433 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,280 Which brings us, neatly, to the point where fools rush in,

434 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,160 and Alans fear to tread,

435 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,480 which is our dose of General Ignorance round, now.

436 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,720 So fingers on buzzers again, if you would, please.

437 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,840 What is the collective noun for a group of baboons?

438 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,760 (Saw cuts through wood)

439 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,760 - Yay. - The Pentagon.

440 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,440 Fantastic! (Laughs)

441 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,440 Funnily enough, American politics has a lot to do with it.

442 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,880 And not only is the Pentagon an organ of American power,

443 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:29,800 - but so is their house... - Capitol Hill. The White House.

444 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,600 - The House of Representatives. - The House of Baboons?

445 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,040 - It's the Congress. - The Congress.

446 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,200 - It's 'a congress of baboons'? - Yeah.

447 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,440 But the reason we ask the question... (Mobile phone ringtone)

448 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,400 - Congress of baboons. - Very good.

449 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:44,000 But there is a quite interesting fact about a new word

450 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,520 that is beginning to replace 'congress'.

451 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,320 And it has a very odd history, this word.

452 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,360 It comes from a comedy sketch on BBC Television,

453 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,840 in a series called Not the Nine O'Clock News.

454 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,640 There was a sketch called Gerald the Gorilla...

455 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,560 - Oh, yeah. - ..in which Rowan Atkinson played...

456 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,800 - 'Wild?' - He makes mention... that's right.

457 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,440 'Wild? I was furious.' Exactly. 'The production on that album...'

458 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,880 But there's a point

459 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,440 where he talks about a group,

460 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,600 'or "flange", as we call them, of gorillas'.

461 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:12,280 And this was just made up by Richard Curtis, or whoever wrote the sketch,

462 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,320 for that particular sketch. But it's now on the Net.

463 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:16,960 And there is...I can quote you here,

464 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,120 from a book called Sex and Friendship in Baboons, by Barbara B Smuts.

465 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,280 This is a review... (Laughter)

466 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,520 - He's read every book in the world. - Yeah. (Laughs)

467 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,760 This is a review on amazon.com, and it's a serious academic study.

468 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,520 And it says, 'In this marvellous book,

469 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,440 Smuts draws from years of painstaking field research,

470 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,280 in which she followed around a flange of Chacma baboons

471 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,800 in the Matetsi Game Reserve, in Zimbabwe.

472 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,520 And there, a word has migrated from a comedy sketch into the internet

473 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,880 is now being used by academics as the official word.

474 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,600 And, while on the subject of animals,

475 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,680 who can tell me which mammals have the most bones in their noses?

476 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,160 (Mobile phone ringtone) Yep, Alan.

477 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,680 - Crocodiles. - It isn't crocodiles, as it happens.

478 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,920 I was gonna say elephants, but I think that's really stupid.

479 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,280 (Siren sounds, alarm bells ring, laughter)

480 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,200 - Thank you. Oh, bless you. Most obliged. - Anteaters.

481 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:07,880 Yes, I did it to please the researcher.

482 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,280 - Did you say 'anteaters'? - Yes.

483 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,320 Well, the answer is an anteater, so you should have some points.

484 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,560 A particular kind. Probably the most famous kind of anteater,

485 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,120 - in some ways. - Aardvark.

486 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:20,360 Aardvark is the right answer. It has nine or ten.

487 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:21,920 Do you know, I can say, in Danish,

488 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,000 'I have spilt coffee on the anteater'?

489 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,560 (Laughter)

490 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,600 I would like you to do that for us now.

491 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,040 Jeg har spildt kaffe pa Myresluger!

492 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,320 (Applause)

493 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,960 Elephants, of course, have no bones in their noses whatsoever.

494 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:46,280 So our next question is, according to the inventor of Centigrade,

495 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:50,600 - what's the boiling point of water? - I'm not gonna fall for that.

496 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,040 - (Hammer strikes nail) Yes? - Oh, dear, no.

497 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,560 I'm gonna say something stupid, aren't I?

498 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,400 100 degrees.

499 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:56,960 - (Siren sounds, alarm bells ring) Oh, dear. - (Cheers)

500 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:58,640 Yeah...it's so obvious.

501 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,880 It's obvious, and you'd think it's a reasonable thing to say.

502 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,920 The inventor Centigrade was a man called Anders...

503 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,240 - Celcius. - Celcius is quite right.

504 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,280 From 1701 to 1744, he lived. A short but fruitful life.

505 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,360 He spent all that time going, 'Ooh, that's hot.'

506 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:14,760 'That's hot, that's cold, and that's hot.'

507 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,240 'But that's quite chilly.'

508 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,280 'I should call that "one"'.

509 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,360 He decided that water should boil at zero degrees,

510 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,400 and that ice would melt at 100.

511 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,040 Of course, nought is actually, now - of course, it's the other way round.

512 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,280 Nought is not the point at which water freezes, in Centigrade.

513 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:37,360 It's the point at which ice melts. Yeah.

514 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:38,840 Zero is actually more than that.

515 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:40,280 And I'm giving you a scientific fact,

516 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,080 because I don't wish to be associated with diarrhoea

517 00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:43,600 for the rest of the show.

518 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,520 Zero's actually the triple point of water.

519 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,760 It's the first temperature at which water can exist in all three states,

520 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:51,400 because you can actually get water vapour, which is at zero, as well.

521 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,440 Oh, very good. You must have some points for that.

522 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,600 - and this round of applause. - Thank you very much.

523 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,280 (Applause) You'll like that.

524 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:02,840 That was a consolation point.

525 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,240 And, in particular, because it's for the private moment I had there,

526 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,640 where I remembered when I was told that, in school, at 16,

527 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:09,160 and went, 'When the (BLEEP)

528 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,960 am I ever gonna use that piece of information?'

529 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,600 Oh! Hooray! It happened. You see?

530 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,280 But here's one - which is colder, minus 40 Centigrade,

531 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:17,920 or minus 40 Fahrenheit?

532 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:19,840 Minus 40 Centigrade.

533 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,000 - No, they're both actually exactly the same. - They're both the same.

534 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:23,600 The one point at which they're the same.

535 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:25,120 It's where they meet.

536 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,600 So which came first, Celcius, or Fahrenheit?

537 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,040 Fahrenheit came first.

538 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:29,520 The interesting thing about the British

539 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,760 is, what we do is, we use Centigrade when it's cold,

540 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,680 - and we use Fahrenheit when it's hot. - Yes.

541 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,560 So we go, 'Ooh!' when it's hot in summer,

542 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,040 and goes to the 90s, it's '92'.

543 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,120 But when it's really cold, we go, 'God, it's minus three! Minus five!'

544 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,720 You don't say, 'It's 28,' which is what it would be in Fahrenheit.

545 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,760 We do. We're very consistent, aren't we?

546 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,520 Well, from that, to, what did Mussolini do?

547 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,040 (Generic mobile phone ringtone)

548 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:53,600 - Made the trains run on time. - (Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)

549 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,520 (Laughter)

550 00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,840 No, he didn't.

551 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:03,080 You could argue he made one particular train run on time.

552 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:06,160 In 1922, there was a general strike in Italy,

553 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:07,880 much to the annoyance of many Italian people,

554 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,960 and certainly to the annoyance of the king, Umberto.

555 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:13,080 And the Fascists, who were led by Mussolini,

556 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,080 were gathered in Naples,

557 00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:16,840 and Mussolini made this ferocious speech,

558 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,360 saying, 'We shall march on Rome, and we shall sort this out.

559 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,360 We shall seize power if we are not offered it,

560 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:23,880 and we shall end this strike.'

561 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:26,480 And 'Roma, Roma, Roma, we shouted.' And the famous march on Rome began.

562 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,520 Mussolini himself went to Milan. (Chuckles)

563 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,560 Didn't go on the march, 'cause he was rather scared.

564 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,720 He was quaking in his jackboots.

565 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:36,520 But it turned out to be a great success.

566 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,000 And the king offered him power,

567 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,080 and said he must get on the train from Milan, where he was, to Rome.

568 00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,720 and I will offer you the prime ministership.

569 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,920 So he rang up the stationmaster at Milan,

570 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,400 and said, 'This train has to run on time.'

571 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,800 And it was the one train he definitely made run on time.

572 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,000 But all the other improvements in the Italian transport system

573 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:54,680 were actually made before he came to power.

574 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,400 Garibaldi - that's a type of biscuit.

575 00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,440 It certainly is a type of biscuit.

576 00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,000 And it cracks. That's the difference.

577 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,920 - You can't crack a cake. - (Laughs) No.

578 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,400 Good. Well, that's all very exciting. That's Mussolini for you.

579 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,960 No evidence that he made the Italian trains run on time at all.

580 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,480 Let's have another question.

581 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,920 Which eye did Nelson wear his eye-patch on?

582 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:21,520 Anybody have a thought? (Generic mobile phone ringtone)

583 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:22,960 - Yes? - The right eye.

584 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,720 (Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)

585 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,400 - It was a little unfair... - He didn't wear one.

586 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:29,880 - He didn't wear one, ever. - Oh.

587 00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:31,400 He never wore an eye-patch.

588 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:33,160 Never wore an eye-patch - he just went like that.

589 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,280 Yes. Only in Ladybird books did he wear an eye-patch.

590 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,160 He was a very strange man, Nelson.

591 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:43,280 He bought, for about 25 shillings, these silver stars.

592 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:46,720 He was given all kinds of titles by the King of Naples,

593 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,920 and he bought them all, and put them on a sash,

594 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,480 and stood on the quarterdeck of the Victory like this,

595 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:54,880 covered in shining stars.

596 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:58,000 And, from 50 feet away, the French shot him,

597 00:26:58,320 --> 00:26:59,840 not surprisingly. (Laughter)

598 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:03,920 He never actually lost an eye. He just lost the sight of his eye.

599 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,920 Did you know that Lady Hamilton was vastly overweight,

600 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:08,600 and had a Lancashire accent?

601 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:10,640 I thought you were gonna say 'overrated' then.

602 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,400 I'll give her a six, or, you know...

603 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,360 It seems a bit unfair on anyone watching from Lancashire

604 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:22,200 that you seem to yoke together fat with 'and a Lancashire accent'.

605 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,480 I'm only trying to make the point that it's surprising.

606 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:25,960 It's not what you think.

607 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,160 If you watch Vivian Leigh play her opposite Laurence Olivier,

608 00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:30,640 in the film...

609 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,360 She doesn't talk like Liam Gallagher.

610 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:33,840 She doesn't say,

611 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,480 'Ooh, I wouldn't 'ave him if he came in a nest of tables.'

612 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:37,960 (Laughter)

613 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,040 You know, it's not that kind of thing.

614 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:43,680 So that's all from us. Let's look at the scores.

615 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:47,200 In last place, we have Alan, with minus 20, I'm sorry to say.

616 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,800 (Applause)

617 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,240 Just ahead is Arthur Smith, with minus 18.

618 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,760 (Applause)

619 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:03,480 On plus two points, it's Rich Hall, on 2,

620 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,200 and our runaway winner, on 4 points, is Dara O'Briain.

621 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,400 (Cheers, applause)

622 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:16,360 Well, there you are. So that's all from Rich, Arthur, Dara, Alan and me.

623 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:17,880 As they say in Ireland,

624 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,680 may you get to heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead.

625 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,200 Goodnight.

626 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,360 (Applause)

627 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:57,440 Closed Captions by CSI

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