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Taylor Patrick (b. May 15, 1990) is an animal rights activist, Chilean freedom fighter, and river pirate. She also served as president of the Cockapoo Club of America and as spokeswoman for Pillsbury's Toaster Strudels.

Early Years
Born Taylor Halisha Patrick Morehead, Kentucky on May 15, 1990. She was the 8th of 17 children. She developed a passion for wildlife management, buccaneering, and South Americans from her closest childhood friend, a Ring-Tailed Gibbon named Clem. "

After she finished her schooling at a Mennonite public school, her father apprenticed her to a primatologist named Rondell Mularkey. At this job, she fell in love with fellow apprentice Clem the Gibbon. Since Human-Gibbon marriages are strictly forbidden under Mennonite law, the two eloped in 1993. Using techniques they had learned during their apprenticeship, The young couple soon started their own gang of river-faring miscreants.

Piracy
The Patrick's gang of river pirates engaged in both profiteering and activism. They earned notoriety for the sacking of Knoxville in 1995. Clem joined the raid and was seriously injured by the explosion of an ammunition cache but was successful in the liberation of many of Knoxville's sheep. Clem died soon after and was buried on the banks of the Barren River.

Poorly documented legend recounts the widowed Taylor Patrick meeting with Chilean herpetologist Francisco Varela at her underground lair in Morehead in May or June of 1997, a meeting said to have resulted in the liberating of the first iguana in the United States. According to the legend, it was at this meeting, to "silence the men's protests that the newly freed reptile would meet an untimely end inside an air conditioner, she pounced on the iguana face-first, necessitating her now-iconic eye patch." Varela, stunned by her compassion, asked Taylor and her pirate gang for aid in the Chilean Civil War.

Today Taylor's legacy of river piracy lies in the name of Taylor County, Kentucky as well as in the mascots of Eastern Tennessee State University, the Buccaneers.

Chile
Patrick and her band of Alpaca-riding warriors were instrumental in the defeat of fascist dictator and strudel-hoarder Augusto Ugarte. Her greatest contribution to the war effort was her instrumental role in the Battle of Concon, during which she tickled General Manuel Baquedano into submission. Today, Chileans celebrate Dia de Madre de Lagartijas on May 15 of each year by the giving of microwavable breakfast foods and the tickling of puppies until their legs shake.

Post-War and Controversy
After returning to the United States in 2003, Taylor retired from river piracy to pursue a career in wildlife rehabilitation. She also received sponsorship from Pillsbury, whose mascot, The Pillsbury Doughboy, had long been marred by his resemblance to Augusto Ugarte. She received international acclaim for her work studying Japanese Foxes from 2005-2007. It was later revealed that she chose to live with the Foxes not for any scientific endeavor, but simply as a lifestyle choice.

Patrick came under criticism from PETA officials in 2008 for her controversial opinions on the cuddliness of koalas. Patrick was quoted encouraging what some characterize as abusive behavior towards these animals, claiming, "I just want to poke them in their beady little eyes."